Weekends May Be Worst

Brother didn't come over today. That's postponed until tomorrow afternoon. We talked on the phone a bit. I told him I wanted to sell, he seemed glad for that. I did not sleep well last night, if I slept at all last night that is. I did pass out a bit this morning and had a 'hospital dream' which did nothing to help me rest. I hate this situation. It seems so overwhelming. Last night my mind ran on and on about talking to my brother about settling the estate. He doesn't want to sell the car but agrees it needs doing to allow us / the estate financial breathing room until the house is sold. We have to maintain the estate's debts. No way do we want a lien on a home being sold. That could be disastrous.

Today I'm feeling signs of a panic attack in my chest and back (update: I forced myself to relax and it went away). He's heard nothing about Mother's ashes or anything. He says it could be over $25,000 if we use someone else to handle affairs. I want out of this situation or at least to feel like there isn't a rope around my neck; if there was an eject button I could push I'd be smacking it with all energy I could muster. The birth parents of the three-week old nephew have finally signed the papers to cede their parental rights. Brother, et al. will be visiting with them tonight.

eBay doesn't look like it's going well with about five hours to go. Right now the ipod and laptop are not really close to reserve. Looks like money wasted on fees but it's not ever and I know bidding can get tough at the end. There's still hope even if the light is fading.

It's Later: I talked to Vegas. It helped me calm down and focus. He offered to drive over and stay until Friday but I think it would be a waste except for whatever mental health it would save me. I'd appreciate his company but things need a bit more stability: Where are the ashes? Where are the death certificates? I realize it hasn't been a full two weeks but it feels like an eternity. He's offered to ebay things since I have only 2 feedback after eight years on ebay since we agree that might be the drag on my auctions. As long as I covered the fees, he wouldn't ask for a cut. I think he was almost surprised I assumed he'd ask for one. At this point, everyone wants their pound of flesh, almost no one wants to offer a life preserver. In terms of high-stress moments, I joked that all I need is to turn up a dead spouse since I'm not working right now, anticipating a big move, and am putting my last parent to rest. The evening is coming. I'm feeling a bit less restless but I wish I were not eating alone so much.