One Week? It Cannot Be. It Is.

Yes, it's been one week. I want to lie down. I feel tired; I am eating although not excessively. Stress is toxic.

My brother took me to pick up a prescription. I paid cash. I don't recall the last one I paid physical cash for instead of swiping a card. He got one script filled for the newborn to take care of his thrush problem.

Anyway I was dreading going to the clinic. Both Father and Mother had been seen there over two dozen years. I remember how much Mother and I avoided the place when Father passed. I think she only kept it because it was familiar and paid by his retirement benefit. Otherwise I think she'd have gone some where else for peace of mind.

I quickly got my order and just slumped in the waiting area for my brother to do his business. Someone was stuck in an elevator so we took the stairs when he hoped to be able to get the formula today. Coming back down in an elevator, I slumped and had to close my eyes. I didn't want to see the floors and feel the memories.

I'd just been to the clinic with mother a couple times this month. Those visits seem to have lead to meds which masked the peritonitis that appears to have taken her. It's anguishing and painful to consider. Back to the pharmacy (chemist) to see if the baby's meds were ready. I slumped some more. Lots of time with eyes closed today, just resting quietly.

I did sleep last night. Seriously. It was mostly ok. No bad dreams. I saw mother in a queue of people and she was in a pleasant mood. The context wasn't spiritual. I'm trying to eat a snack before bed and had a quick meal during the nap time before my brother arrived. The cat just spit up. Poor thing.

My brother stayed an hour today. I didn't know what to do with him so we went to the garage and he did a bit of cleaning. I just didn't want to be in the house with him when we could be almost outdoors. Maybe I did it more for me. I needed the air and sunshine. The neighbor came over and jawed a bit which distracted from the cleaning. I admit to being anxious; I'm having lunch though. Should help some.

I called again after the one policy, wondering after the claim form. Supposedly it's in the works and I should get an email copy by week's end. Of course we heard something similar a week ago. Gah! It's pushing to the edge of madness "handling affairs" and dealing with various customer services. Another newspaper arrived today.

My brother took an extra day from work yesterday; I didn't know. I called to push back mother's tax prep. There's no rush and I don't want to try to figure where I'll fetch the fee right now when I'm avoiding as many lights and water use as I can.

I'm using only a night light in the evening and flashlights for now. I still need to cancel cable TV. I don't need TV on my plate. TV only reminds me of what evening routine we did have with CSI, Housewives and so forth. I almost got something at the pharmacy to help me sleep but saved my money. I don't like chemical solutions if I can avoid them. Might've been too tempting.

Lunch is ok. Too much pepper; Mother'd have liked that I think. I don't know if my stomach will. I'll feel so very much better when I'm not feverish and fearful of money issues. Then I'll be able to begin to really grieve. The rest is so much autopilot right now. I was thinking about that on the way to the clinic today: I need to get away and grieve. I can feel the need, but life is a heartless beast. Always pressing. No concern for your needs. The drowning man hasn't yet gone under.

I've got some business to attend to. I'll perhaps blog in awhile. I don't know if I feel productive for this afternoon. Maybe I'll rest. Maybe try to go off and grieve. I've got to get a debris bin / dumpster bin. But that needs money. Always demands for money.

I told my brother, if I didn't *know* it was the wrong thing to do, I'd just walk away completely and leave everything to be sold, thrown away, etc. But I can't take that easy route.

It's now hours later and I've had soup again because I think I might've been on the verge of hunger. Did some laundry. Reset ipod and laptop to factory and took some photos for ebay. The radio is talking about a trip to Italy. Mother always wanted to go. Never did. We talked about going on this trip coming in Sept.

I feel blah.