No Joy. Neither Solace.

There was nothing from my uncle in today's mail delivery. I called, spoke with my cousin who seemed stern and snide; he's unavailable all evening. I wanted my fears to cry out but couldn't expel them, couldn't give them voice. I'm trying to choke down my last can of sirloin veggie soup. The rain has begun. Night falls. There is nothing on my mind but terror.

If I'd been able to sell the laptop, I'd be ok with wiggle room to pay the upcoming bills on time. Laptop's on offer. I'm getting "late" on my student loan payment although the deferment form arrived today. I planned to pay it tomorrow; I may still. Or I'll just defer and pay it off when insurance is available. I want to rid myself of outstanding debts for piece* of mind.

It depends what tomorrow brings. My health insurance premium is due the 1st and they're very exacting on promptness. I don't want to lose that safety net. If I could get the bank account verified by Paypal I could move the eBay wins over and pay the bill. I recognized a sense of depression today. This concerns me. A moment ago I felt a sense of a panic attack and shooed it away. I've had some darker thoughts but I recognize they're just reaction to the immediate crush of my situation and just not eating sufficiently.

I've done all I knew: I told the cat. Told the fish. Told the house. I asked Mother why this happened. She abandoned this pet. I'm not comforted knowing this is a temporary situation; I don't understand why there's no relief in that knowledge. Maybe I don't see it as knowledge but as belief. My cynicism fears the insurance won't pay. The house will linger on the market. I'll need to be moved into a lock-down unit with other unable to cope with this "gift" of life. I think some of this is from growing up in an environment where trials were treated as crisis.

I plan an early evening in an effort to get restful sleep. Some folks self medicate at these times; I understand that kind of avoidance. Hiring a lawyer is a kind of avoidance. Hiring a realtor is another. It's wise to get professional services. However it's an admission there's too much uncertainty and emotional involvement to grind through the processes of probate and home selling. It is weakness or is it strength? I think of those who aren't left with an estate sufficient to meet obligations and the pain they must endure. Most, however, aren't as socially isolated as I've been. That's a bonus in moving to another city: it'll be a fresh start; there won't be questions about how you can grow up in a city and not have built a local social network.

I've noticed a lot of bitterness in the voice of women. If I move away it'll because I believe it best not to become entwined with the SIL. I sensed she felt threatened or burdened with me when we've talked in the past week. I understand it because she'd had an emotionally abusive relationship with her parents. She seems to automatically put me in that block which has include problematic friends, trouble relatives and her parents. It isn't fair to me but I intellectually get it. It's always been a struggle with Mother and I feeling shunned or unwanted and not wanting to get too involved to avoid being sucked in. I'm no better than the SIL since I chase fanciful things and have wasted money but I feel OK in that I'm only burdening myself, not a relationship or family unit. I'm concerned what my brother does come away with from this situation no matter or large or small may be frittered away. Mother didn't want that; perhaps I'll tell him. That influenced why she didn't plan to leave a big pay out.

The SIL has wanted to be a nurse, paralegal, bridal consultant, possibly a realtor, a mechanic, many things I can't recall, and now believes she is destined to be involved in the Christian music ministry. It's been HELL on that marriage. Might be a reason I'm not married: I wouldn't want to bring such directional chaos to anyone. I'm going to take some time to focus on a clear direction. I don't care what I end up doing short term, whether it involves schooling or what but if it does I want to be certain I'm not just tossing it away. Nothing has consistently weighed on my mind more than wasted money, primarily on my computing efforts. The best gift I could give myself is clarity of purpose. I want little in my life other than a safe place to live and a bit of social contact--remind me of a priesthood or something which Mother thought I'd be capable at. Maybe Duckie would rent me a room at his castle; I'll cook and clean. I hate 'competitive' rat-race type things; I'd prefer to serve.

Blogging is a bit therapeutic; the demons are at bay. I'll go to bed in about an hour. Cousin called back. My uncle appears to be working! He should retire but I understand his desire to stay occupied. He's almost 65, already has pension, his wife works but had 70% loss of back mobility. That started when he was in Vietnam and his ship was attacked. He fell multiple decks. Definitely need good sleep tonight and avoid AM daylight sleep schedule. We have resolved one thing: there are no mail demigods.

* That should've been peace of mind above but I left the typo.