Update? Yeah, I Guess It Is...

Life has been difficult. Sleep virtually impossible. Eating is a chore. I'm still in shock. I feel like my head has been hooked up to electrodes and given shock therapy. I'm having a difficult time in the house alone. My brother returns to work and his regular schedule on Tues. Maybe I should've stayed at his place a night but with all the kids I thought it would just make it worse on me. I had an offer to go with them to church tonight but I know I'd be a basket case. I am planning to put together my ebay auctions to avoid a major cash flow problem until the insurance is paid out.

Half the time I want to vomit. I want to just hide and make my brother handle this. It isn't that I can't do the business affairs it's all the alone time in the house. Yes I've got the cat who has barely left me alone but I've just had such a difficult time unplugging my mind so I can rest. And today when I finally did doze off my brother rang. Then I dozed off and my mother's accountant was returning my call. Then I doze off again and the doorbell rings with two women asking for lemons from the tree.

I'm not meant to rest. They say there's no rest for the weary and I'm beginning to believe it.

I just wish someone was here, even just a little time. I know I can step next door and say hello but my neighbor's a caregiver like I was. His wife is a huge task. It's good for both of us to chat but I'm just not feeling up to it tonight.

I keep thinking of how events played. Where mistakes were made or might've been. It really seems this was going to happen no matter what. Mother had faith in me that I could handle this. She wanted me to sort her affairs and so on but the emotional strain is just indescribable.

I told my brother and his wife that I now have a good understanding of why people build relationships, why there are marriages. It's for support in times like these. It might've been an intellectual understood thing before but not comprehended on a gut level. I've never really been alone for long, always a flatmate at uni or here with mother helping her through father's illness. As my brother said this past Christmas it seemed like she and I were hitting a stride, getting beyond those past events and looking to the future. We'd way overspent on his kids and mother and I planned to cut back this year. In retrospect, it was good.

The SIL won't live in this house. She won't even consider it. It's not rational at all and perhaps not even practical depending on what is needed to settle mother's estate. Still, I'm yearning to be around family. I don't have friends locally. Everyone's out of state or out of the country. But I've got my brother's family. They were planning to buy a house this year but appear to be signing another lease. I'm trying to eat a frozen spaghetti meal. Sigh.

She did ask if I was mad she kept bringing mother cigarettes. I told her it bothered me but it's water under the bridge. They were not a factor in this drama and I don't need the stress of holding that as a grudge. She is at least going to try again to quit once and for all herself.

I don't know if this is already in the blog but the autopsy is done, the tissue harvesting was done. She was in the mortuary's care when we made arrangements. At my brother's desire we'll be picking up mother's ashes for transport to the cemetery instead of having them delivered. In the moment, it seemed the least we could do for her. That will be this week. There's very little more I can do without death certificates which will hopefully be available this week as well. Even the most bare bones cremation is thousands of dollars. Mother'd told me she wanted to come this week (when she was feeling better) and pre-pay. That was a tough memory.

I don't really need this house. I don't need to live here. In fact I'd go out of my mind if I stay here for very long alone. I'll be content to sell to settle her estate. Last year we were planning to move ourselves anyway this spring but plans had slowed considerably. Partly with her brother's decision to move out of state for his wife's job.

I hate change. Despise it. I'll most definitely need a steady source of income but I might travel a bit before taking that on. As it is I don't know where I'll want to live. I used to think Vegas because of my uni friend but that seems very questionable now. I'd like to move closer to my brother's family in the short term. But then what? That's enough rambling. My food is nearly back to frozen. I better eat.