Began The Sorting...

Well, I started going through mother's things. She had stunning little left in her bedroom. I know much was given away or shredded after father passed but I just hadn't realized the scope of it. She had a single drawer (of nine) with clothes. Another with papers. Very little else has turned up. I did find an audio tape father'd made for (presumably) their anniversary while he was away at sea. It's from 1972. I'll probably give it to my brother unheard. I just can't take that right now I think.

I got a bit more sleep than other nights but I definitely tossed and turned. My stomach is still a nervous beast which caused me to leap from bed at least once earlier than I'd planned. I finally got up because I was on the verge of going out of my mind. I heated a can of soup. Stepped outside awhile. Eventually I went next door, soup in hand, because I needed to get out. The walls were closing in.

I came back probably an hour later when it was time for him to get his wife up, I began sorting papers and things in the dining room. I found some papers that I figure might be important and set those aside. I cleaned up the table some and around mother's chair. My God there's a lot of junk. She used to complain we had too much junk but I didn't realize the junk ratio was so enormous. I boxed the books she'd read and hadn't gotten around to, including most of those she got for Christmas. There was some jewelry in her bedroom but not as much as I anticipated. Some pieces I know she'd bought (a pair of earrings) were not there. I haven't opened her chest, however I don't expect a lot of findings. I think she told me it was basically empty. I wish I'd gotten things wrapped up here at the house so she could see it and we could move on our own terms. I haven't found any indication of obscene hidden debts other than the initial surprises. Nothing the house's value can't cover with room to spare.

Part of me just wants to lay down. My chicken and noodles are getting cold. I think I might go to sleep early tonight so I can get more work done. Work with my hands. I probably could use a debris bin. The shame is how much of the junk is my own. I've been much too much of a pack rat.

I haven't heard from my brother all day; I called twice to no answer. I left a message about the audio tape I found.

I don't really want to keep a lot. The more I see how simply my neighbor has made his home, the more I appreciate the value of having a paired down life. For a long time I kept things because I thought without them I lost meaning. By things I mean books, papers and so forth. I'm far older now, been through so much living. I think I can let go of so much that I clung too. I'm more confident that I can get by with people where I was a nervous wreck in my uni years and post. I've dragged out the health rider contraption father had bought to use. I never liked it but it might be good for me, not that all the cleaning isn't getting me exercise because it definitely is. What I had really wanted was a stationery bike. Maybe I'll get one a bit down the road. If I can locate a job I can walk to, I'll definitely improve my overall health.

I shaved off my beard. As soon as I had, I regretted not trimming it. There's a reason essentially everyone says I look better in a beard. It helps even out my face. Even my mother, not a shy critic of them actually liked me in a beard. I did this for me. And for right now. Maybe I did it for mother because the couple of times over the years I have gone clean shaven she's made a smart remark about having her son back or some such. She always thought I looked like my uncle with a beard. As my neighbor said, I can always let it grow back.

My feet are exhausted. In-and-out to the bins. I was trying to work a bit in the garage but one of the neighbor kids came over wanted to borrow a lawn mower. I told him it didn't work. Well, it does require electricity. And it's not actually my mower. I think it's my brother's. Then he wanted to borrow a shovel. I don't know why. I said no. The kids are a bit of a pest to their immediate neighbors. They were asking for "a dollar" last week just before mother passed. Wasn't the first time.

I haven't ebay-ed anything yet. It's very difficult to sit in here and do that kind of prep. Also I don't know about getting to post to the winning bidders with no car for another few weeks. I could ask my neighbor for a ride but that'll get very old. I'd hoped to get my sister-in-law to help but I'm not feeling a lot of logistics support. Very little was accomplished when my brother took those days off from work. Sure, little can be done until the death certificates are available but I think he doesn't want to really come into the house. Can't blame him. It's tough.

Mother did have a good idea about who to delegate this task to. He's got his own life but just seems still so numb. I'm now and then frantic but at least I'm making some headway. I'm sure mother (if she's able to know) is kicking herself for leaving me in this situation. I don't blame her; I was partially at fault for not being more motivated and for being too much of a pack rat. I see, in retrospect, how desirous she was becoming to move out of this house. I wish we'd talked more and I'd fully understood. Yes she pulled back on visiting homes and so forth so it was unlikely we'd sell this spring but that hit the hitch when my uncle announced he'd be moving to Tennessee. I wish we'd talked more.

I'm not sorry we didn't talk about the slights she'd tossed out implying I was gay. I'm not sorry I didn't tell her what had happened with me during the uni years. There was no good in that, only spite. She'd already pressed me when I was at uni whether I was gay when I was talking about being on the GLBT-and-friends board. It was off-hand when I was saying most of the board was not gay or lesbian and went though the list and skipped myself. I had no agenda in skipping me I just didn't think to include me.

I wish I'd taken up drinking; I won't because my liver doesn't need it. About all I've got is wanking and I don't remember how long it's been. It wouldn't be an exaggeration to say it's probably not been once this month. I'm not a voracious person when it comes to libido. Probably a bit about depression, maybe medication influenced. I really really wanted a hug or cuddle last night. It was almost painful. It was like my skin had been split down the middle front and back. Some people would seek out casual sex but there'd be no point for me. That's not my nature. I don't think I've been seen even partially naked outside a doctor's office in 10 years.

They say losing a spouse is worse than a parent but I posited that giving how my life was structured, I was almost a platonic surrogate. She was my life, out schedules and finances and purchases and shopping and entertainment habits were tightly coupled. I kept her company, saw to her meal preparation, medications, helped with her laundry, the cleaning, etc. I've been blind-sided. I'm not not a believer but I'm definitely a struggler. Not a doubting-Thomas as much as flummoxed. Like I wrote earlier about that which is called for of those wrestling with homosexual feelings or urges by various Christian sects: it seems hopeless and disconnected.

The cat spent some time sleeping in mother's room and has spent some time there today. Yes, I did remember the tuna. I don't remember hearing any rain last night. Neither did the neighbor. He needs to get more sleep at his age. He went to bed after midnight and was up at 5:30 with at least one break during the night. At least the swelling in his hands appears gone.

I need to decide if I'll stop over at the neighbor's tonight. I know he invited me back but I don't want to be too much of a proverbial guest. I realize it's not been a week and he probably appreciates having someone to talk to. I know he'll be out tomorrow for his doctor's appointment.

I better get that food in me. It's probably ice cold.