A Few Closing Thoughts For Tonight

There were a lot of signs mother subconsciously knew this was coming. I'm become a believer in such things. I get nightmares when I'm sick and no other time. She suddenly had an interest in estate planning although we didn't get everything done; I am hoping this won't be a horrible situation in the outcome. I'm trying to steel myself for major pain. So long as I can keep the cat, some place to live and afford to put food in us, I'm doing OK. For now. The rest is ancillary at this moment.

Mother had said years ago she knew "you'll never leave me." The thought, from the late 90's I'd say (I probably have a record somewhere) scared me. I had images of being "stuck" with another ailing parent. Now that she's passed away, I wish I had a bit more time. I wouldn't be greedy. I'd take a day, a full week is probably pushing it. I feel like I squandered a lot of time. So much time on avoiding things, on dealing with my own issues on maybe not taking enough time with her in these last days. I had hoped to begin having more substantial conversations this year. I waited too long. We're fantastic procrastinators in this family.

I'm distressed by the things she didn't get to do like the travel. She could've traveled but didn't. I should've forced the issue ages ago but I'd become more involved in trying to get her desire into concrete plans. But in the past several weeks she's talked instead about sending me to travel in her place; I could come back and tell her stories of what I'd seen and done. Alas, that'll never be either. Well, we can't *talk* about the travels but I can "tell" her in a way.

My faith has been screwed up. I was perhaps a bit hypocritical and did offer a prayer and I wanted Last Rights for her since her heart was Catholic if her practice was not. She hadn't been a church goer since quitting the Episcopals in the 1970s after voting to ordain women. I've just been having a difficult time sorting out the role of homosexuals in a Christian faith. It seems to run from celibacy-and-no-relationships on one end to entering a reeducation program to purge yourself or something.

I need to nap. I'm getting drowsy. Wish'd Duckie'd been online when I was there.