My uncle stopped in, as I mentioned. He told me about one of my cousin's mother-in-laws estate battles. Seven years to took because there was no agreement. I told my brother that; he was spastic. We can avoid that. We're on the same page for now. I hope to stay that way. My uncle told me, "If you're smart, and I think you are, get out of this state," and he's not wrong. The costs are fantastic. He told me where he wouldn't suggest I move: Oregon because an exodus from California has pushed prices high there, Washington (state) because of weather, Arizona because of weather and being a retirement state, NY unless I lived in the upper part of the state, ditto for Pennsylvania. Texas is bad if only for the stigma of living there. The upper mid-west and so forth are too cold. I already don't want to move into the deep South. He talked of Tennessee's cost of living, how it's between the upper and lower storm belts so protected from hurricanes and tornados and the city he's moving to is on the border with Kentucky which has no sales tax. It would have the benefit, if there is any, of relatives there too. It's something I'm of an open mind toward. I'm also considering Nevada; no income taxes there. He suggested I pick some states and call telling I'm considering relocation and asking for a package on their state. Good advice. He's lived all over from Hawaii to the Northeast to the Northwest to Southern California. He's done much travel besides.
Mother's been picked up. We waited for her ashes and the death certificates in the chapel lobby. It was depressing. We'd been there to pay her bill two weeks ago, and more than a dozen years ago we had a service for my grandmother there. More recently we'd had a viewing of Father. When the box came out I thought it looked cheap but it was what Mother wanted; what she'd picked for Father too. I guess I'd have liked to given her more but this was exactly what she asked for. I carried the box out to the minivan. The rain had let up. It was heavier than I expected and my eyes got moist. She was placed on the floor between the front seats for the ride. We went to the bank.
It was lucky brother'd canceled the face-to-face with the lawyer. He took care of that basic stuff over the phone and we have another appointment. The bank took awhile. I've discovered that personal bankers have to sit through the same phone messages that customers do. There's no secret number for them to call. Since Mother's due another deposit from her retirement, we left the account alone for now. Brother has agreed to assume payments of the mortgage on the estate's behalf. His name, being the elder, was on the death certificate so he's got that burden until such time as one of us is appointed by a court. I've handled most of the leg work on the phone: we know we're down to effectively the mortgage and maybe one irritating debt. It's irritating since it was insured until December and because I found the costumer service woman to be rude. Even the banker never got through that toll-free number and cancelled the call after 40 minutes. I don't believe for a second anyone is there waiting to talk a call. It's just a recording telling you your call is important. Duh! If it wasn't important, would I be calling? No! So the bank doesn't care about anything except that payments get made on the mortgage. I had hoped that was their view. It's cheaper than rent, I keep thinking to myself.
We don't know why we have a lawyer now except we need someone to get a court ruling to allow us to settle the estate. Everything is so 'simple' (in theory) but she'll shuffle papers and take her big check. It's a bitch but totally understandable if things went sideways which happens when folks die. Not everyone can be as practical as we are being. Tomorrow I will rest. And eat. And pet the cat.
Left the bank after more than an hour, and passed time we'd have had the lawyer appointment, and went to the post office so I could ship the ebay stuff, the insurance claim forms and pay some bills. I was a bit off on the ebay shipping. One person got undercharged a bit when I combined the items. And I went with next-day tracked for the insurance claims. Almost $15 each--insane! I'm tired. I should eat. I had breakfast but that was a long time ago. I should strike while I've got an appetite and go fetch today's mail.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Early Start
Been raining all night. I've stolen an hour here, minutes there of sleep. Not restful but it was something. Should sleep better tonight. My uncle has bought a house in TN for just over $200K and it's enough for eight people! It'd cost three times that here. He didn't leave it to snail mail and arrived in person to help out and chat before driving back for work. I'm very tired. Much to accomplish in the next few hours. Just waiting on brother to arrive. I had breakfast, a sausage pastry thing. So very tired.
Monday, February 27, 2006
Yes. Another Entry.
Talked to my brother this evening. We're set to meet the lawyer tomorrow afternoon. The car should be ready on Thursday and we're to meet the realtor on Monday.
I asked my brother if he knew why the small insurance policy claim form cover letter thinks it's been assigned to a funeral home. He has no clue and there's not a letter of hint in the policy or later papers I have when beneficiaries were changed from Father and Mother's mother. I'll phone in the morning and enquire how to proceed since costs have been paid already. Weird. And they're cheap bastards: no postage paid envelope! It's worse since these companies want you to send back the claim forms and original policies. If you've seen one, you know insurance policies can run a dozen and many more pages!
I'm scanning in the claim forms and policies now so I have copies. So much for an early night but I had a bit of a nap earlier in the evening when I was in the dumps. I finally got that soup finished. I'll be glad to have a regular appetite again. I've been taking vitamins; I'll want to get some in March. What I want and what will happen may not be on the same page. Tomorrow could be a monumental day. I only hope it goes well.
Later: Almost 11pm local. Got ebay stuff packed up; copies of insurance stuff are scanned. Rain is going good. Kitty is on Mother's bed again tonight. Later still: Headache. Pondering money affairs and poor mail service. Is it worse to have no monetary hope or resources that can't be tapped? The first is almost comforting in its inevitability while the last is utter frustration. Guess which camp I'm in?
I asked my brother if he knew why the small insurance policy claim form cover letter thinks it's been assigned to a funeral home. He has no clue and there's not a letter of hint in the policy or later papers I have when beneficiaries were changed from Father and Mother's mother. I'll phone in the morning and enquire how to proceed since costs have been paid already. Weird. And they're cheap bastards: no postage paid envelope! It's worse since these companies want you to send back the claim forms and original policies. If you've seen one, you know insurance policies can run a dozen and many more pages!
I'm scanning in the claim forms and policies now so I have copies. So much for an early night but I had a bit of a nap earlier in the evening when I was in the dumps. I finally got that soup finished. I'll be glad to have a regular appetite again. I've been taking vitamins; I'll want to get some in March. What I want and what will happen may not be on the same page. Tomorrow could be a monumental day. I only hope it goes well.
Later: Almost 11pm local. Got ebay stuff packed up; copies of insurance stuff are scanned. Rain is going good. Kitty is on Mother's bed again tonight. Later still: Headache. Pondering money affairs and poor mail service. Is it worse to have no monetary hope or resources that can't be tapped? The first is almost comforting in its inevitability while the last is utter frustration. Guess which camp I'm in?
No Joy. Neither Solace.
There was nothing from my uncle in today's mail delivery. I called, spoke with my cousin who seemed stern and snide; he's unavailable all evening. I wanted my fears to cry out but couldn't expel them, couldn't give them voice. I'm trying to choke down my last can of sirloin veggie soup. The rain has begun. Night falls. There is nothing on my mind but terror.
If I'd been able to sell the laptop, I'd be ok with wiggle room to pay the upcoming bills on time. Laptop's on offer. I'm getting "late" on my student loan payment although the deferment form arrived today. I planned to pay it tomorrow; I may still. Or I'll just defer and pay it off when insurance is available. I want to rid myself of outstanding debts for piece* of mind.
It depends what tomorrow brings. My health insurance premium is due the 1st and they're very exacting on promptness. I don't want to lose that safety net. If I could get the bank account verified by Paypal I could move the eBay wins over and pay the bill. I recognized a sense of depression today. This concerns me. A moment ago I felt a sense of a panic attack and shooed it away. I've had some darker thoughts but I recognize they're just reaction to the immediate crush of my situation and just not eating sufficiently.
I've done all I knew: I told the cat. Told the fish. Told the house. I asked Mother why this happened. She abandoned this pet. I'm not comforted knowing this is a temporary situation; I don't understand why there's no relief in that knowledge. Maybe I don't see it as knowledge but as belief. My cynicism fears the insurance won't pay. The house will linger on the market. I'll need to be moved into a lock-down unit with other unable to cope with this "gift" of life. I think some of this is from growing up in an environment where trials were treated as crisis.
I plan an early evening in an effort to get restful sleep. Some folks self medicate at these times; I understand that kind of avoidance. Hiring a lawyer is a kind of avoidance. Hiring a realtor is another. It's wise to get professional services. However it's an admission there's too much uncertainty and emotional involvement to grind through the processes of probate and home selling. It is weakness or is it strength? I think of those who aren't left with an estate sufficient to meet obligations and the pain they must endure. Most, however, aren't as socially isolated as I've been. That's a bonus in moving to another city: it'll be a fresh start; there won't be questions about how you can grow up in a city and not have built a local social network.
I've noticed a lot of bitterness in the voice of women. If I move away it'll because I believe it best not to become entwined with the SIL. I sensed she felt threatened or burdened with me when we've talked in the past week. I understand it because she'd had an emotionally abusive relationship with her parents. She seems to automatically put me in that block which has include problematic friends, trouble relatives and her parents. It isn't fair to me but I intellectually get it. It's always been a struggle with Mother and I feeling shunned or unwanted and not wanting to get too involved to avoid being sucked in. I'm no better than the SIL since I chase fanciful things and have wasted money but I feel OK in that I'm only burdening myself, not a relationship or family unit. I'm concerned what my brother does come away with from this situation no matter or large or small may be frittered away. Mother didn't want that; perhaps I'll tell him. That influenced why she didn't plan to leave a big pay out.
The SIL has wanted to be a nurse, paralegal, bridal consultant, possibly a realtor, a mechanic, many things I can't recall, and now believes she is destined to be involved in the Christian music ministry. It's been HELL on that marriage. Might be a reason I'm not married: I wouldn't want to bring such directional chaos to anyone. I'm going to take some time to focus on a clear direction. I don't care what I end up doing short term, whether it involves schooling or what but if it does I want to be certain I'm not just tossing it away. Nothing has consistently weighed on my mind more than wasted money, primarily on my computing efforts. The best gift I could give myself is clarity of purpose. I want little in my life other than a safe place to live and a bit of social contact--remind me of a priesthood or something which Mother thought I'd be capable at. Maybe Duckie would rent me a room at his castle; I'll cook and clean. I hate 'competitive' rat-race type things; I'd prefer to serve.
Blogging is a bit therapeutic; the demons are at bay. I'll go to bed in about an hour. Cousin called back. My uncle appears to be working! He should retire but I understand his desire to stay occupied. He's almost 65, already has pension, his wife works but had 70% loss of back mobility. That started when he was in Vietnam and his ship was attacked. He fell multiple decks. Definitely need good sleep tonight and avoid AM daylight sleep schedule. We have resolved one thing: there are no mail demigods.
* That should've been peace of mind above but I left the typo.
If I'd been able to sell the laptop, I'd be ok with wiggle room to pay the upcoming bills on time. Laptop's on offer. I'm getting "late" on my student loan payment although the deferment form arrived today. I planned to pay it tomorrow; I may still. Or I'll just defer and pay it off when insurance is available. I want to rid myself of outstanding debts for piece* of mind.
It depends what tomorrow brings. My health insurance premium is due the 1st and they're very exacting on promptness. I don't want to lose that safety net. If I could get the bank account verified by Paypal I could move the eBay wins over and pay the bill. I recognized a sense of depression today. This concerns me. A moment ago I felt a sense of a panic attack and shooed it away. I've had some darker thoughts but I recognize they're just reaction to the immediate crush of my situation and just not eating sufficiently.
I've done all I knew: I told the cat. Told the fish. Told the house. I asked Mother why this happened. She abandoned this pet. I'm not comforted knowing this is a temporary situation; I don't understand why there's no relief in that knowledge. Maybe I don't see it as knowledge but as belief. My cynicism fears the insurance won't pay. The house will linger on the market. I'll need to be moved into a lock-down unit with other unable to cope with this "gift" of life. I think some of this is from growing up in an environment where trials were treated as crisis.
I plan an early evening in an effort to get restful sleep. Some folks self medicate at these times; I understand that kind of avoidance. Hiring a lawyer is a kind of avoidance. Hiring a realtor is another. It's wise to get professional services. However it's an admission there's too much uncertainty and emotional involvement to grind through the processes of probate and home selling. It is weakness or is it strength? I think of those who aren't left with an estate sufficient to meet obligations and the pain they must endure. Most, however, aren't as socially isolated as I've been. That's a bonus in moving to another city: it'll be a fresh start; there won't be questions about how you can grow up in a city and not have built a local social network.
I've noticed a lot of bitterness in the voice of women. If I move away it'll because I believe it best not to become entwined with the SIL. I sensed she felt threatened or burdened with me when we've talked in the past week. I understand it because she'd had an emotionally abusive relationship with her parents. She seems to automatically put me in that block which has include problematic friends, trouble relatives and her parents. It isn't fair to me but I intellectually get it. It's always been a struggle with Mother and I feeling shunned or unwanted and not wanting to get too involved to avoid being sucked in. I'm no better than the SIL since I chase fanciful things and have wasted money but I feel OK in that I'm only burdening myself, not a relationship or family unit. I'm concerned what my brother does come away with from this situation no matter or large or small may be frittered away. Mother didn't want that; perhaps I'll tell him. That influenced why she didn't plan to leave a big pay out.
The SIL has wanted to be a nurse, paralegal, bridal consultant, possibly a realtor, a mechanic, many things I can't recall, and now believes she is destined to be involved in the Christian music ministry. It's been HELL on that marriage. Might be a reason I'm not married: I wouldn't want to bring such directional chaos to anyone. I'm going to take some time to focus on a clear direction. I don't care what I end up doing short term, whether it involves schooling or what but if it does I want to be certain I'm not just tossing it away. Nothing has consistently weighed on my mind more than wasted money, primarily on my computing efforts. The best gift I could give myself is clarity of purpose. I want little in my life other than a safe place to live and a bit of social contact--remind me of a priesthood or something which Mother thought I'd be capable at. Maybe Duckie would rent me a room at his castle; I'll cook and clean. I hate 'competitive' rat-race type things; I'd prefer to serve.
Blogging is a bit therapeutic; the demons are at bay. I'll go to bed in about an hour. Cousin called back. My uncle appears to be working! He should retire but I understand his desire to stay occupied. He's almost 65, already has pension, his wife works but had 70% loss of back mobility. That started when he was in Vietnam and his ship was attacked. He fell multiple decks. Definitely need good sleep tonight and avoid AM daylight sleep schedule. We have resolved one thing: there are no mail demigods.
* That should've been peace of mind above but I left the typo.
Feel Like An Idiot!
So Paypal couldn't verify my bank account. Maybe I got the routing number wrong so I'm trying again. Grrr. I feel like a complete moron. And the fees for ebay/paypal, it's no wonder they've been a success! It's rained just a few drops. Big ones, but nothing serious yet. Heavy rain is due tomorrow.
Brother phoned. His legal services plan is useless and I agreed to let him hire a lawyer on our behalf. I don't care if it's $13,000 or a bit more; I just want things to be smooth and correctly handled. He's more annoyed that it'll cost so much than I am. It'll all come from the estate anyway. This tells me a lot about why estate planning is important. If I knew then what I know now I would have been determined to get this handled with Mother before the inevitable arrived. Oh well, it's hindsight. Learn from this, readers! He called the realtor he wants to use to see if he can come this week to scope out the house.
We can pick up Mother's ashes. The plan is to do that tomorrow and begin handing around the death certificates to the ghouls. I'm pleading with the mail demigods the financial help from my uncle arrives today. If it does, I can ship the ebay stuff, pay my bills tomorrow and hopefully send in the insurance claim forms to get things moving for me.
I slept like crap, all manner of things going in my head but that was also not helped by not eating much yesterday. The catbox is scheduled for a change today but I'm not sure I will do it.
I felt a bit better last night thinking about future things, specifically where I'd like to purchase a home and what might be out there. There seem to be some deals in North Vegas. This area seems priced beyond reason. Apartments for over $1600/month rent here, housing needing $100,000 down payment with maybe $3000/month mortgages. The area has nice weather and pretty good crime stats but holy hell, those prices seem unsustainable. There are brand new homes in Vegas, a bit larger than this, available for half the cost. I don't know if I want a house with all those rooms to feel lonely in, however. Duckie can tell me about that but at least he's got lots of relatives in his area. I've much to consider.
I'd like to have the estate settled in time for Mother's birthday this summer. I need to travel to get my uni stuff from storage. I might wait for the 10 yr reunion in June or I might just go, get it resolved and leave that behind. I'll keep my options open but I don't know that I'd have to say to anyone who might appear at the reunion other than 'Hello, who are you?' I still want to visit with the Sydney folk. I hear a bit of rain outside. Brunch is ready. I'm going whole hog for a Lean Cuisine Lasagna. Over 300 calories! Could calm my nerves which could be ok until the mail arrives and will either hit 'panic' or 'melt' (in relief).
Brother phoned. His legal services plan is useless and I agreed to let him hire a lawyer on our behalf. I don't care if it's $13,000 or a bit more; I just want things to be smooth and correctly handled. He's more annoyed that it'll cost so much than I am. It'll all come from the estate anyway. This tells me a lot about why estate planning is important. If I knew then what I know now I would have been determined to get this handled with Mother before the inevitable arrived. Oh well, it's hindsight. Learn from this, readers! He called the realtor he wants to use to see if he can come this week to scope out the house.
We can pick up Mother's ashes. The plan is to do that tomorrow and begin handing around the death certificates to the ghouls. I'm pleading with the mail demigods the financial help from my uncle arrives today. If it does, I can ship the ebay stuff, pay my bills tomorrow and hopefully send in the insurance claim forms to get things moving for me.
I slept like crap, all manner of things going in my head but that was also not helped by not eating much yesterday. The catbox is scheduled for a change today but I'm not sure I will do it.
I felt a bit better last night thinking about future things, specifically where I'd like to purchase a home and what might be out there. There seem to be some deals in North Vegas. This area seems priced beyond reason. Apartments for over $1600/month rent here, housing needing $100,000 down payment with maybe $3000/month mortgages. The area has nice weather and pretty good crime stats but holy hell, those prices seem unsustainable. There are brand new homes in Vegas, a bit larger than this, available for half the cost. I don't know if I want a house with all those rooms to feel lonely in, however. Duckie can tell me about that but at least he's got lots of relatives in his area. I've much to consider.
I'd like to have the estate settled in time for Mother's birthday this summer. I need to travel to get my uni stuff from storage. I might wait for the 10 yr reunion in June or I might just go, get it resolved and leave that behind. I'll keep my options open but I don't know that I'd have to say to anyone who might appear at the reunion other than 'Hello, who are you?' I still want to visit with the Sydney folk. I hear a bit of rain outside. Brunch is ready. I'm going whole hog for a Lean Cuisine Lasagna. Over 300 calories! Could calm my nerves which could be ok until the mail arrives and will either hit 'panic' or 'melt' (in relief).
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Meatgrinder Of A Day
I slept passably once I got myself calmed down. I hung around in bed until just afternoon. I almost called to have him not come because it was feeling like his coming over made the situation more real. I held on and didn't call. Still very stressed over managing the estate but it's really just about process. As I told my brother, think what you want about how Mother handled finances but she left us an estate. Nothing monumental but she left us something. Not bad for a women who was born into a public assistance situation at the Great Depression. I miss her presence terribly.
I got him to take me to Wendy's for lunch. I'm a bit bonkers eating alone and couldn't face another can of soup. I had my Dr. Pepper and baked potato, saving the Caesar side-salad and chili for later. I nearly choked up thinking of the times Mother and I had dropped into Wendy's with similar orders, often after a difficult day visiting Father on a hospital visit or something. We're in a good place, not battling over anything in the house. There are a few things I thought he might want that he doesn't. All we need to do is sell the car for enough liquidity to continue servicing debts until the house is sold to clear debts and walk away with our shares. A rubbish bin looks like it'll be $400. My brother and I are realizing that such things are estate costs that we can be reimbursed for whichever of us picks it up (if either) on the near term.
I'm trying to involve him more because the burden is great. He's got a young, aggressive realtor he'd like to pitch the house to and the guy sounds OK. We've basically decided I'll move when financially viable--likely a month off. I'd rent with as short a lease a possible and try to stay in walking distance of the house for some continuity. Unfortunately there really aren't many apartments in reasonable walking distance. I don't care what the place looks like, just so long as I can do the basics and keep the cat. A garage would be great for temp storage. We're agreed I shouldn't try to rush off and buy a place. That would be too many things on my plate.
He's more keen in trying to "milk" the house than I am but I understand his motivations and yes I'll benefit financially too. I don't much care. I don't care where I live since effectively I'll be starting from scratch. I'd like to keep cost-of-living down. A lot of that is about buying smart and living frugally.
Duckie is online! Must chat with him. He had flooding!? The world is against us. :/
I got him to take me to Wendy's for lunch. I'm a bit bonkers eating alone and couldn't face another can of soup. I had my Dr. Pepper and baked potato, saving the Caesar side-salad and chili for later. I nearly choked up thinking of the times Mother and I had dropped into Wendy's with similar orders, often after a difficult day visiting Father on a hospital visit or something. We're in a good place, not battling over anything in the house. There are a few things I thought he might want that he doesn't. All we need to do is sell the car for enough liquidity to continue servicing debts until the house is sold to clear debts and walk away with our shares. A rubbish bin looks like it'll be $400. My brother and I are realizing that such things are estate costs that we can be reimbursed for whichever of us picks it up (if either) on the near term.
I'm trying to involve him more because the burden is great. He's got a young, aggressive realtor he'd like to pitch the house to and the guy sounds OK. We've basically decided I'll move when financially viable--likely a month off. I'd rent with as short a lease a possible and try to stay in walking distance of the house for some continuity. Unfortunately there really aren't many apartments in reasonable walking distance. I don't care what the place looks like, just so long as I can do the basics and keep the cat. A garage would be great for temp storage. We're agreed I shouldn't try to rush off and buy a place. That would be too many things on my plate.
He's more keen in trying to "milk" the house than I am but I understand his motivations and yes I'll benefit financially too. I don't much care. I don't care where I live since effectively I'll be starting from scratch. I'd like to keep cost-of-living down. A lot of that is about buying smart and living frugally.
Duckie is online! Must chat with him. He had flooding!? The world is against us. :/
Saturday, February 25, 2006
Modest Success. Pondering Life Ahead.
eBay did OK but the laptop didn't make reserve. It's quite stunning how fast they depreciate in the fierce competition among Wintel. I might check with the high bidder though when I get some advice back from Vegas. I've got a lot of junk I know I'm just outright going to essentially throw away. Mostly ten year old (and older) electronics that wouldn't fetch a dime. It's really informing my purchases and how I see computers especially. They're so much of a commodity today it's daunting to think great '386' or 'Mac II' machines of yore could command luxury car prices.
I want to use this opportunity to savagely edit my life to minimum baggage. I have papers and magazines going back into the 1980's and computer ware too. I have hobby items I've outgrown, even toys I don't need or want.
Of what's in this house right now I want a few personal items like Mother's diary from 2002 chronicling Father's care, the crochet blankets my grandmother made for me, the photos of our great grandparents (mostly because I can identify them), Father's flag, some cards and letters. We never used them but I don't know that I want the dishes I bought via Amazon for Mother and I. Two sets of China. One is more me than her. It's an off-white with a platinum band. The other is fanciful ("Butterfly Meadow") and was going to be our 'everyday' dishes when she finally moved back into the kitchen.
I'd like a couple of the pots and pans. Really just two: my grand mother's spaghetti pot and a handle-less one I use for soup. As much as Mother might "like" the idea of me keeping grand mother's cast iron pans, I'm just not a cast iron cook. I'll ask my brother if he thinks we should keep them. Probably they'd just end up being stored. I want at least some of the recipes in the so-called "blue cookbook." Father's lumpia (Filipino eggrolls) recipe, for example. Maybe I'll make them for my brother's family since Mother and I did a fantastic job that one Father's Day. I'd like Mother's wedding ring. Mother gave my brother her crucifix the morning she passed. He asked if he could have it and I told him: "She gave it to you." I also told him the origin: it was the first thing she got after Father passed away. She never took it off except when required for x-rays or similar tests.
There's an air of morbidity settling in. I need to get to bed. The cat's probably annoyed I haven't come in yet or else she's taken over the whole bed.
I want to use this opportunity to savagely edit my life to minimum baggage. I have papers and magazines going back into the 1980's and computer ware too. I have hobby items I've outgrown, even toys I don't need or want.
Of what's in this house right now I want a few personal items like Mother's diary from 2002 chronicling Father's care, the crochet blankets my grandmother made for me, the photos of our great grandparents (mostly because I can identify them), Father's flag, some cards and letters. We never used them but I don't know that I want the dishes I bought via Amazon for Mother and I. Two sets of China. One is more me than her. It's an off-white with a platinum band. The other is fanciful ("Butterfly Meadow") and was going to be our 'everyday' dishes when she finally moved back into the kitchen.
I'd like a couple of the pots and pans. Really just two: my grand mother's spaghetti pot and a handle-less one I use for soup. As much as Mother might "like" the idea of me keeping grand mother's cast iron pans, I'm just not a cast iron cook. I'll ask my brother if he thinks we should keep them. Probably they'd just end up being stored. I want at least some of the recipes in the so-called "blue cookbook." Father's lumpia (Filipino eggrolls) recipe, for example. Maybe I'll make them for my brother's family since Mother and I did a fantastic job that one Father's Day. I'd like Mother's wedding ring. Mother gave my brother her crucifix the morning she passed. He asked if he could have it and I told him: "She gave it to you." I also told him the origin: it was the first thing she got after Father passed away. She never took it off except when required for x-rays or similar tests.
There's an air of morbidity settling in. I need to get to bed. The cat's probably annoyed I haven't come in yet or else she's taken over the whole bed.
Weekends May Be Worst
Brother didn't come over today. That's postponed until tomorrow afternoon. We talked on the phone a bit. I told him I wanted to sell, he seemed glad for that. I did not sleep well last night, if I slept at all last night that is. I did pass out a bit this morning and had a 'hospital dream' which did nothing to help me rest. I hate this situation. It seems so overwhelming. Last night my mind ran on and on about talking to my brother about settling the estate. He doesn't want to sell the car but agrees it needs doing to allow us / the estate financial breathing room until the house is sold. We have to maintain the estate's debts. No way do we want a lien on a home being sold. That could be disastrous.
Today I'm feeling signs of a panic attack in my chest and back (update: I forced myself to relax and it went away). He's heard nothing about Mother's ashes or anything. He says it could be over $25,000 if we use someone else to handle affairs. I want out of this situation or at least to feel like there isn't a rope around my neck; if there was an eject button I could push I'd be smacking it with all energy I could muster. The birth parents of the three-week old nephew have finally signed the papers to cede their parental rights. Brother, et al. will be visiting with them tonight.
eBay doesn't look like it's going well with about five hours to go. Right now the ipod and laptop are not really close to reserve. Looks like money wasted on fees but it's not ever and I know bidding can get tough at the end. There's still hope even if the light is fading.
It's Later: I talked to Vegas. It helped me calm down and focus. He offered to drive over and stay until Friday but I think it would be a waste except for whatever mental health it would save me. I'd appreciate his company but things need a bit more stability: Where are the ashes? Where are the death certificates? I realize it hasn't been a full two weeks but it feels like an eternity. He's offered to ebay things since I have only 2 feedback after eight years on ebay since we agree that might be the drag on my auctions. As long as I covered the fees, he wouldn't ask for a cut. I think he was almost surprised I assumed he'd ask for one. At this point, everyone wants their pound of flesh, almost no one wants to offer a life preserver. In terms of high-stress moments, I joked that all I need is to turn up a dead spouse since I'm not working right now, anticipating a big move, and am putting my last parent to rest. The evening is coming. I'm feeling a bit less restless but I wish I were not eating alone so much.
Today I'm feeling signs of a panic attack in my chest and back (update: I forced myself to relax and it went away). He's heard nothing about Mother's ashes or anything. He says it could be over $25,000 if we use someone else to handle affairs. I want out of this situation or at least to feel like there isn't a rope around my neck; if there was an eject button I could push I'd be smacking it with all energy I could muster. The birth parents of the three-week old nephew have finally signed the papers to cede their parental rights. Brother, et al. will be visiting with them tonight.
eBay doesn't look like it's going well with about five hours to go. Right now the ipod and laptop are not really close to reserve. Looks like money wasted on fees but it's not ever and I know bidding can get tough at the end. There's still hope even if the light is fading.
It's Later: I talked to Vegas. It helped me calm down and focus. He offered to drive over and stay until Friday but I think it would be a waste except for whatever mental health it would save me. I'd appreciate his company but things need a bit more stability: Where are the ashes? Where are the death certificates? I realize it hasn't been a full two weeks but it feels like an eternity. He's offered to ebay things since I have only 2 feedback after eight years on ebay since we agree that might be the drag on my auctions. As long as I covered the fees, he wouldn't ask for a cut. I think he was almost surprised I assumed he'd ask for one. At this point, everyone wants their pound of flesh, almost no one wants to offer a life preserver. In terms of high-stress moments, I joked that all I need is to turn up a dead spouse since I'm not working right now, anticipating a big move, and am putting my last parent to rest. The evening is coming. I'm feeling a bit less restless but I wish I were not eating alone so much.
Friday, February 24, 2006
Back From Next Door
Well that wasn't so bad. I got an ice cream bar and two diet sodas. The neighbor's wife hasn't been feeling well today so she's been in bed. It was just him up alone so it was good I was over this evening.
He got the ice cream bars for his wife but it launches her blood sugar too high and his grandson doesn't like them and he can't stand the little peanut pieces in his teeth. Had soup. I'm running a bit low on soup. Am trying to stick to max one can per day and mix it with frozen dinners.
I feel OK. Not fantastic but not too badly. The (apparent) half-sister had a stroke according to the SIL. She's only 50 but has had all manner of blood pressure and other problems. There's some paralysis but not slurred speech. She and I have not had a relationship. It's just not something I could handle when she found us about 14 years ago. She's a daughter from my father's first marriage. Mother had offered, it seems, to adopt her when his ex-wife died but he felt she was better off with the maternal grandparents and staying across the country. My brother perhaps isn't wrong when he said Father, "blew that situation..."
The SIL also said Mother talked to her about me and why I hadn't pursued relationships. Mother told her I'd need a very special woman to get me to open up. That's not untrue. Folks reading this know I can be a guarded pain in the bum. I see more where that comes from in the protective isolation I had as a kid. I have trouble reading people. However, when I'm comfortable I am a generally easy going guy. I don't like conflict. It isn't that I'll avoid conflict, I just don't want conflict. I'd rather find some manner of compromise or way to minimize potential for conflict such as selling this home, paying the debts of Mother's estate and splitting what's left. I'm not altogether unreasonable. I am going to try being cautious. I will try to listen to my Mother.
I don't know if it would be good for me to be closer in proximity to my brother's family or if we'd be closer by being further apart much as he said he was never closer to Mother than when he lived in another state. I just don't want to be pulled into any dramas. Nor do I want to cause any.
The cat is yowling; I suppose I should get into bed. I hope I rest well.
He got the ice cream bars for his wife but it launches her blood sugar too high and his grandson doesn't like them and he can't stand the little peanut pieces in his teeth. Had soup. I'm running a bit low on soup. Am trying to stick to max one can per day and mix it with frozen dinners.
I feel OK. Not fantastic but not too badly. The (apparent) half-sister had a stroke according to the SIL. She's only 50 but has had all manner of blood pressure and other problems. There's some paralysis but not slurred speech. She and I have not had a relationship. It's just not something I could handle when she found us about 14 years ago. She's a daughter from my father's first marriage. Mother had offered, it seems, to adopt her when his ex-wife died but he felt she was better off with the maternal grandparents and staying across the country. My brother perhaps isn't wrong when he said Father, "blew that situation..."
The SIL also said Mother talked to her about me and why I hadn't pursued relationships. Mother told her I'd need a very special woman to get me to open up. That's not untrue. Folks reading this know I can be a guarded pain in the bum. I see more where that comes from in the protective isolation I had as a kid. I have trouble reading people. However, when I'm comfortable I am a generally easy going guy. I don't like conflict. It isn't that I'll avoid conflict, I just don't want conflict. I'd rather find some manner of compromise or way to minimize potential for conflict such as selling this home, paying the debts of Mother's estate and splitting what's left. I'm not altogether unreasonable. I am going to try being cautious. I will try to listen to my Mother.
I don't know if it would be good for me to be closer in proximity to my brother's family or if we'd be closer by being further apart much as he said he was never closer to Mother than when he lived in another state. I just don't want to be pulled into any dramas. Nor do I want to cause any.
The cat is yowling; I suppose I should get into bed. I hope I rest well.
It's Friday.
Well, it's Friday. I did get that other company's claim form in email by the end of the week as promised. Not a word on Mother's ashes or death certificates. I talked with the SIL a lot on the phone today. Emotions ran a bit high. My brother is clearly hurt that he wasn't specifically left anything. I'd already been thinking it would be back to do a rental property agreement with him if things went sideways it would be excessively stressful. At this point, the house is surely going on the market. I'm ok with that so long as I've got somewhere to hang my hat and place the cat's box.
Where to go, though? A bit further from my brother's family in the neighboring city over the hill or move right into the same area? Try another state? Perhaps Vegas? I wonder if Australia would accept me? This is an incredible number of things to sort and decide.
If I'm welcome, I'm going next door for Olympics after I get another meal in me. eBay isn't looking that great but there's still one day to go. Must be more positive. I cannot wait until I'm able to relax.
Where to go, though? A bit further from my brother's family in the neighboring city over the hill or move right into the same area? Try another state? Perhaps Vegas? I wonder if Australia would accept me? This is an incredible number of things to sort and decide.
If I'm welcome, I'm going next door for Olympics after I get another meal in me. eBay isn't looking that great but there's still one day to go. Must be more positive. I cannot wait until I'm able to relax.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Uncertain Feeling...
I'm not sure what to make of how I've felt today. I didn't get next door for Olympics tonight, I napped a bit. I feel uncertain and cautious right now. We're still waiting on the ashes and certificates. I guess it feels like a proverbial calm before the big storm. I got a very welcome sympathy card today. The only one. A mass card did come from my Mother's cousin and that's appreciated too. However there was something extra about someone remembering me specifically at this time. You'll probably read this so thank you. The card is at my bedside.
I think I'll finish my food and go hide in bed for tonight. It's almost 11pm local time. Never a fan of it, I'm afraid of the daylight these days.
I think I'll finish my food and go hide in bed for tonight. It's almost 11pm local time. Never a fan of it, I'm afraid of the daylight these days.
Took Some Me Time Today
I took some extra time to sleep today. I phoned my uncle. He's going to help me with the cash flow problem these next couple of weeks. When I hung up, I balled my eyes out. Partly in relief, partly in grief, partly to take the edge off my fear and anxiety. I'm not given to crying. I've never cried so much as these past eight days.
I can't believe he's so non-plussed. Maybe that's his way to deal with things. Of course he's seen many folks pass away in his life including his own parents, been through a couple divorces and so forth. However, he's not (to my knowledge) handled affairs. Mother did that for their mother and he was 16 when his dad passed.
For me, this is a truly herculean task. He asked when she'll be interred which I still can't tell him and what the autopsy says which, again, I still can't tell. It feels like such a long, drawn-out process. Autopsy results can take four-six weeks, for example. And her ashes are waiting on the hospital to issue its death certificates. Checked on the insurances. Those are paid up until at least Sept. which is a major break.
I'm just now trying to eat breakfast at 3pm. It's gone ice cold. Dreams were odd. Except feeling like I was being pursued, I couldn't draw any parallel to my waking situation. The cat hogged too much of the bed last night. I gave her more hair ball gel. She's ok. When did the fish get so big? Right this second I want to wrap myself in a blanket and curl up in a corner to hide from reality. I'll feel less edgy when I'm fed. I do know why some folks go through inconsolable grief.
We were through so many things together, Mother and I. I can't yet accept she's gone.
I can't believe he's so non-plussed. Maybe that's his way to deal with things. Of course he's seen many folks pass away in his life including his own parents, been through a couple divorces and so forth. However, he's not (to my knowledge) handled affairs. Mother did that for their mother and he was 16 when his dad passed.
For me, this is a truly herculean task. He asked when she'll be interred which I still can't tell him and what the autopsy says which, again, I still can't tell. It feels like such a long, drawn-out process. Autopsy results can take four-six weeks, for example. And her ashes are waiting on the hospital to issue its death certificates. Checked on the insurances. Those are paid up until at least Sept. which is a major break.
I'm just now trying to eat breakfast at 3pm. It's gone ice cold. Dreams were odd. Except feeling like I was being pursued, I couldn't draw any parallel to my waking situation. The cat hogged too much of the bed last night. I gave her more hair ball gel. She's ok. When did the fish get so big? Right this second I want to wrap myself in a blanket and curl up in a corner to hide from reality. I'll feel less edgy when I'm fed. I do know why some folks go through inconsolable grief.
We were through so many things together, Mother and I. I can't yet accept she's gone.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Crisis Manglement
So I finally got crap on eBay. I panicked a bit and called Vegas which helped me accept anything sold on eBay is cash which is worth more than an item hanging around. I was so locked into trying to make this or that amount that I was annoyed at all the fees and hoops eBay has going. Wish me well on my sales. Zilla needs dough until insurance and things shake out.
Note to any reading: keep a few months worth of bill payments around in savings just in case. Problem with Americans is we live "paycheck-to-paycheck." That is we eschew savings. I won't being doing that. I plan to live frugally. My debt to asset ratio will be changing for the positive. I know it'll hurt my credit rating but I want to effectively eliminate my debts. For most Americans of my age, they're almost negligible. Of course I don't have a wife and kids, for example.
It's my intent to be servicing the debts Mother has left behind until such time as "we" decide what to do with her home. I'll have decent means, yes, but not sufficient to pay off the mortgage immediately.
Note to any reading: keep a few months worth of bill payments around in savings just in case. Problem with Americans is we live "paycheck-to-paycheck." That is we eschew savings. I won't being doing that. I plan to live frugally. My debt to asset ratio will be changing for the positive. I know it'll hurt my credit rating but I want to effectively eliminate my debts. For most Americans of my age, they're almost negligible. Of course I don't have a wife and kids, for example.
It's my intent to be servicing the debts Mother has left behind until such time as "we" decide what to do with her home. I'll have decent means, yes, but not sufficient to pay off the mortgage immediately.
One Week? It Cannot Be. It Is.
Yes, it's been one week. I want to lie down. I feel tired; I am eating although not excessively. Stress is toxic.
My brother took me to pick up a prescription. I paid cash. I don't recall the last one I paid physical cash for instead of swiping a card. He got one script filled for the newborn to take care of his thrush problem.
Anyway I was dreading going to the clinic. Both Father and Mother had been seen there over two dozen years. I remember how much Mother and I avoided the place when Father passed. I think she only kept it because it was familiar and paid by his retirement benefit. Otherwise I think she'd have gone some where else for peace of mind.
I quickly got my order and just slumped in the waiting area for my brother to do his business. Someone was stuck in an elevator so we took the stairs when he hoped to be able to get the formula today. Coming back down in an elevator, I slumped and had to close my eyes. I didn't want to see the floors and feel the memories.
I'd just been to the clinic with mother a couple times this month. Those visits seem to have lead to meds which masked the peritonitis that appears to have taken her. It's anguishing and painful to consider. Back to the pharmacy (chemist) to see if the baby's meds were ready. I slumped some more. Lots of time with eyes closed today, just resting quietly.
I did sleep last night. Seriously. It was mostly ok. No bad dreams. I saw mother in a queue of people and she was in a pleasant mood. The context wasn't spiritual. I'm trying to eat a snack before bed and had a quick meal during the nap time before my brother arrived. The cat just spit up. Poor thing.
My brother stayed an hour today. I didn't know what to do with him so we went to the garage and he did a bit of cleaning. I just didn't want to be in the house with him when we could be almost outdoors. Maybe I did it more for me. I needed the air and sunshine. The neighbor came over and jawed a bit which distracted from the cleaning. I admit to being anxious; I'm having lunch though. Should help some.
I called again after the one policy, wondering after the claim form. Supposedly it's in the works and I should get an email copy by week's end. Of course we heard something similar a week ago. Gah! It's pushing to the edge of madness "handling affairs" and dealing with various customer services. Another newspaper arrived today.
My brother took an extra day from work yesterday; I didn't know. I called to push back mother's tax prep. There's no rush and I don't want to try to figure where I'll fetch the fee right now when I'm avoiding as many lights and water use as I can.
I'm using only a night light in the evening and flashlights for now. I still need to cancel cable TV. I don't need TV on my plate. TV only reminds me of what evening routine we did have with CSI, Housewives and so forth. I almost got something at the pharmacy to help me sleep but saved my money. I don't like chemical solutions if I can avoid them. Might've been too tempting.
Lunch is ok. Too much pepper; Mother'd have liked that I think. I don't know if my stomach will. I'll feel so very much better when I'm not feverish and fearful of money issues. Then I'll be able to begin to really grieve. The rest is so much autopilot right now. I was thinking about that on the way to the clinic today: I need to get away and grieve. I can feel the need, but life is a heartless beast. Always pressing. No concern for your needs. The drowning man hasn't yet gone under.
I've got some business to attend to. I'll perhaps blog in awhile. I don't know if I feel productive for this afternoon. Maybe I'll rest. Maybe try to go off and grieve. I've got to get a debris bin / dumpster bin. But that needs money. Always demands for money.
I told my brother, if I didn't *know* it was the wrong thing to do, I'd just walk away completely and leave everything to be sold, thrown away, etc. But I can't take that easy route.
It's now hours later and I've had soup again because I think I might've been on the verge of hunger. Did some laundry. Reset ipod and laptop to factory and took some photos for ebay. The radio is talking about a trip to Italy. Mother always wanted to go. Never did. We talked about going on this trip coming in Sept.
I feel blah.
My brother took me to pick up a prescription. I paid cash. I don't recall the last one I paid physical cash for instead of swiping a card. He got one script filled for the newborn to take care of his thrush problem.
Anyway I was dreading going to the clinic. Both Father and Mother had been seen there over two dozen years. I remember how much Mother and I avoided the place when Father passed. I think she only kept it because it was familiar and paid by his retirement benefit. Otherwise I think she'd have gone some where else for peace of mind.
I quickly got my order and just slumped in the waiting area for my brother to do his business. Someone was stuck in an elevator so we took the stairs when he hoped to be able to get the formula today. Coming back down in an elevator, I slumped and had to close my eyes. I didn't want to see the floors and feel the memories.
I'd just been to the clinic with mother a couple times this month. Those visits seem to have lead to meds which masked the peritonitis that appears to have taken her. It's anguishing and painful to consider. Back to the pharmacy (chemist) to see if the baby's meds were ready. I slumped some more. Lots of time with eyes closed today, just resting quietly.
I did sleep last night. Seriously. It was mostly ok. No bad dreams. I saw mother in a queue of people and she was in a pleasant mood. The context wasn't spiritual. I'm trying to eat a snack before bed and had a quick meal during the nap time before my brother arrived. The cat just spit up. Poor thing.
My brother stayed an hour today. I didn't know what to do with him so we went to the garage and he did a bit of cleaning. I just didn't want to be in the house with him when we could be almost outdoors. Maybe I did it more for me. I needed the air and sunshine. The neighbor came over and jawed a bit which distracted from the cleaning. I admit to being anxious; I'm having lunch though. Should help some.
I called again after the one policy, wondering after the claim form. Supposedly it's in the works and I should get an email copy by week's end. Of course we heard something similar a week ago. Gah! It's pushing to the edge of madness "handling affairs" and dealing with various customer services. Another newspaper arrived today.
My brother took an extra day from work yesterday; I didn't know. I called to push back mother's tax prep. There's no rush and I don't want to try to figure where I'll fetch the fee right now when I'm avoiding as many lights and water use as I can.
I'm using only a night light in the evening and flashlights for now. I still need to cancel cable TV. I don't need TV on my plate. TV only reminds me of what evening routine we did have with CSI, Housewives and so forth. I almost got something at the pharmacy to help me sleep but saved my money. I don't like chemical solutions if I can avoid them. Might've been too tempting.
Lunch is ok. Too much pepper; Mother'd have liked that I think. I don't know if my stomach will. I'll feel so very much better when I'm not feverish and fearful of money issues. Then I'll be able to begin to really grieve. The rest is so much autopilot right now. I was thinking about that on the way to the clinic today: I need to get away and grieve. I can feel the need, but life is a heartless beast. Always pressing. No concern for your needs. The drowning man hasn't yet gone under.
I've got some business to attend to. I'll perhaps blog in awhile. I don't know if I feel productive for this afternoon. Maybe I'll rest. Maybe try to go off and grieve. I've got to get a debris bin / dumpster bin. But that needs money. Always demands for money.
I told my brother, if I didn't *know* it was the wrong thing to do, I'd just walk away completely and leave everything to be sold, thrown away, etc. But I can't take that easy route.
It's now hours later and I've had soup again because I think I might've been on the verge of hunger. Did some laundry. Reset ipod and laptop to factory and took some photos for ebay. The radio is talking about a trip to Italy. Mother always wanted to go. Never did. We talked about going on this trip coming in Sept.
I feel blah.
Monday, February 20, 2006
Began The Sorting...
Well, I started going through mother's things. She had stunning little left in her bedroom. I know much was given away or shredded after father passed but I just hadn't realized the scope of it. She had a single drawer (of nine) with clothes. Another with papers. Very little else has turned up. I did find an audio tape father'd made for (presumably) their anniversary while he was away at sea. It's from 1972. I'll probably give it to my brother unheard. I just can't take that right now I think.
I got a bit more sleep than other nights but I definitely tossed and turned. My stomach is still a nervous beast which caused me to leap from bed at least once earlier than I'd planned. I finally got up because I was on the verge of going out of my mind. I heated a can of soup. Stepped outside awhile. Eventually I went next door, soup in hand, because I needed to get out. The walls were closing in.
I came back probably an hour later when it was time for him to get his wife up, I began sorting papers and things in the dining room. I found some papers that I figure might be important and set those aside. I cleaned up the table some and around mother's chair. My God there's a lot of junk. She used to complain we had too much junk but I didn't realize the junk ratio was so enormous. I boxed the books she'd read and hadn't gotten around to, including most of those she got for Christmas. There was some jewelry in her bedroom but not as much as I anticipated. Some pieces I know she'd bought (a pair of earrings) were not there. I haven't opened her chest, however I don't expect a lot of findings. I think she told me it was basically empty. I wish I'd gotten things wrapped up here at the house so she could see it and we could move on our own terms. I haven't found any indication of obscene hidden debts other than the initial surprises. Nothing the house's value can't cover with room to spare.
Part of me just wants to lay down. My chicken and noodles are getting cold. I think I might go to sleep early tonight so I can get more work done. Work with my hands. I probably could use a debris bin. The shame is how much of the junk is my own. I've been much too much of a pack rat.
I haven't heard from my brother all day; I called twice to no answer. I left a message about the audio tape I found.
I don't really want to keep a lot. The more I see how simply my neighbor has made his home, the more I appreciate the value of having a paired down life. For a long time I kept things because I thought without them I lost meaning. By things I mean books, papers and so forth. I'm far older now, been through so much living. I think I can let go of so much that I clung too. I'm more confident that I can get by with people where I was a nervous wreck in my uni years and post. I've dragged out the health rider contraption father had bought to use. I never liked it but it might be good for me, not that all the cleaning isn't getting me exercise because it definitely is. What I had really wanted was a stationery bike. Maybe I'll get one a bit down the road. If I can locate a job I can walk to, I'll definitely improve my overall health.
I shaved off my beard. As soon as I had, I regretted not trimming it. There's a reason essentially everyone says I look better in a beard. It helps even out my face. Even my mother, not a shy critic of them actually liked me in a beard. I did this for me. And for right now. Maybe I did it for mother because the couple of times over the years I have gone clean shaven she's made a smart remark about having her son back or some such. She always thought I looked like my uncle with a beard. As my neighbor said, I can always let it grow back.
My feet are exhausted. In-and-out to the bins. I was trying to work a bit in the garage but one of the neighbor kids came over wanted to borrow a lawn mower. I told him it didn't work. Well, it does require electricity. And it's not actually my mower. I think it's my brother's. Then he wanted to borrow a shovel. I don't know why. I said no. The kids are a bit of a pest to their immediate neighbors. They were asking for "a dollar" last week just before mother passed. Wasn't the first time.
I haven't ebay-ed anything yet. It's very difficult to sit in here and do that kind of prep. Also I don't know about getting to post to the winning bidders with no car for another few weeks. I could ask my neighbor for a ride but that'll get very old. I'd hoped to get my sister-in-law to help but I'm not feeling a lot of logistics support. Very little was accomplished when my brother took those days off from work. Sure, little can be done until the death certificates are available but I think he doesn't want to really come into the house. Can't blame him. It's tough.
Mother did have a good idea about who to delegate this task to. He's got his own life but just seems still so numb. I'm now and then frantic but at least I'm making some headway. I'm sure mother (if she's able to know) is kicking herself for leaving me in this situation. I don't blame her; I was partially at fault for not being more motivated and for being too much of a pack rat. I see, in retrospect, how desirous she was becoming to move out of this house. I wish we'd talked more and I'd fully understood. Yes she pulled back on visiting homes and so forth so it was unlikely we'd sell this spring but that hit the hitch when my uncle announced he'd be moving to Tennessee. I wish we'd talked more.
I'm not sorry we didn't talk about the slights she'd tossed out implying I was gay. I'm not sorry I didn't tell her what had happened with me during the uni years. There was no good in that, only spite. She'd already pressed me when I was at uni whether I was gay when I was talking about being on the GLBT-and-friends board. It was off-hand when I was saying most of the board was not gay or lesbian and went though the list and skipped myself. I had no agenda in skipping me I just didn't think to include me.
I wish I'd taken up drinking; I won't because my liver doesn't need it. About all I've got is wanking and I don't remember how long it's been. It wouldn't be an exaggeration to say it's probably not been once this month. I'm not a voracious person when it comes to libido. Probably a bit about depression, maybe medication influenced. I really really wanted a hug or cuddle last night. It was almost painful. It was like my skin had been split down the middle front and back. Some people would seek out casual sex but there'd be no point for me. That's not my nature. I don't think I've been seen even partially naked outside a doctor's office in 10 years.
They say losing a spouse is worse than a parent but I posited that giving how my life was structured, I was almost a platonic surrogate. She was my life, out schedules and finances and purchases and shopping and entertainment habits were tightly coupled. I kept her company, saw to her meal preparation, medications, helped with her laundry, the cleaning, etc. I've been blind-sided. I'm not not a believer but I'm definitely a struggler. Not a doubting-Thomas as much as flummoxed. Like I wrote earlier about that which is called for of those wrestling with homosexual feelings or urges by various Christian sects: it seems hopeless and disconnected.
The cat spent some time sleeping in mother's room and has spent some time there today. Yes, I did remember the tuna. I don't remember hearing any rain last night. Neither did the neighbor. He needs to get more sleep at his age. He went to bed after midnight and was up at 5:30 with at least one break during the night. At least the swelling in his hands appears gone.
I need to decide if I'll stop over at the neighbor's tonight. I know he invited me back but I don't want to be too much of a proverbial guest. I realize it's not been a week and he probably appreciates having someone to talk to. I know he'll be out tomorrow for his doctor's appointment.
I better get that food in me. It's probably ice cold.
I got a bit more sleep than other nights but I definitely tossed and turned. My stomach is still a nervous beast which caused me to leap from bed at least once earlier than I'd planned. I finally got up because I was on the verge of going out of my mind. I heated a can of soup. Stepped outside awhile. Eventually I went next door, soup in hand, because I needed to get out. The walls were closing in.
I came back probably an hour later when it was time for him to get his wife up, I began sorting papers and things in the dining room. I found some papers that I figure might be important and set those aside. I cleaned up the table some and around mother's chair. My God there's a lot of junk. She used to complain we had too much junk but I didn't realize the junk ratio was so enormous. I boxed the books she'd read and hadn't gotten around to, including most of those she got for Christmas. There was some jewelry in her bedroom but not as much as I anticipated. Some pieces I know she'd bought (a pair of earrings) were not there. I haven't opened her chest, however I don't expect a lot of findings. I think she told me it was basically empty. I wish I'd gotten things wrapped up here at the house so she could see it and we could move on our own terms. I haven't found any indication of obscene hidden debts other than the initial surprises. Nothing the house's value can't cover with room to spare.
Part of me just wants to lay down. My chicken and noodles are getting cold. I think I might go to sleep early tonight so I can get more work done. Work with my hands. I probably could use a debris bin. The shame is how much of the junk is my own. I've been much too much of a pack rat.
I haven't heard from my brother all day; I called twice to no answer. I left a message about the audio tape I found.
I don't really want to keep a lot. The more I see how simply my neighbor has made his home, the more I appreciate the value of having a paired down life. For a long time I kept things because I thought without them I lost meaning. By things I mean books, papers and so forth. I'm far older now, been through so much living. I think I can let go of so much that I clung too. I'm more confident that I can get by with people where I was a nervous wreck in my uni years and post. I've dragged out the health rider contraption father had bought to use. I never liked it but it might be good for me, not that all the cleaning isn't getting me exercise because it definitely is. What I had really wanted was a stationery bike. Maybe I'll get one a bit down the road. If I can locate a job I can walk to, I'll definitely improve my overall health.
I shaved off my beard. As soon as I had, I regretted not trimming it. There's a reason essentially everyone says I look better in a beard. It helps even out my face. Even my mother, not a shy critic of them actually liked me in a beard. I did this for me. And for right now. Maybe I did it for mother because the couple of times over the years I have gone clean shaven she's made a smart remark about having her son back or some such. She always thought I looked like my uncle with a beard. As my neighbor said, I can always let it grow back.
My feet are exhausted. In-and-out to the bins. I was trying to work a bit in the garage but one of the neighbor kids came over wanted to borrow a lawn mower. I told him it didn't work. Well, it does require electricity. And it's not actually my mower. I think it's my brother's. Then he wanted to borrow a shovel. I don't know why. I said no. The kids are a bit of a pest to their immediate neighbors. They were asking for "a dollar" last week just before mother passed. Wasn't the first time.
I haven't ebay-ed anything yet. It's very difficult to sit in here and do that kind of prep. Also I don't know about getting to post to the winning bidders with no car for another few weeks. I could ask my neighbor for a ride but that'll get very old. I'd hoped to get my sister-in-law to help but I'm not feeling a lot of logistics support. Very little was accomplished when my brother took those days off from work. Sure, little can be done until the death certificates are available but I think he doesn't want to really come into the house. Can't blame him. It's tough.
Mother did have a good idea about who to delegate this task to. He's got his own life but just seems still so numb. I'm now and then frantic but at least I'm making some headway. I'm sure mother (if she's able to know) is kicking herself for leaving me in this situation. I don't blame her; I was partially at fault for not being more motivated and for being too much of a pack rat. I see, in retrospect, how desirous she was becoming to move out of this house. I wish we'd talked more and I'd fully understood. Yes she pulled back on visiting homes and so forth so it was unlikely we'd sell this spring but that hit the hitch when my uncle announced he'd be moving to Tennessee. I wish we'd talked more.
I'm not sorry we didn't talk about the slights she'd tossed out implying I was gay. I'm not sorry I didn't tell her what had happened with me during the uni years. There was no good in that, only spite. She'd already pressed me when I was at uni whether I was gay when I was talking about being on the GLBT-and-friends board. It was off-hand when I was saying most of the board was not gay or lesbian and went though the list and skipped myself. I had no agenda in skipping me I just didn't think to include me.
I wish I'd taken up drinking; I won't because my liver doesn't need it. About all I've got is wanking and I don't remember how long it's been. It wouldn't be an exaggeration to say it's probably not been once this month. I'm not a voracious person when it comes to libido. Probably a bit about depression, maybe medication influenced. I really really wanted a hug or cuddle last night. It was almost painful. It was like my skin had been split down the middle front and back. Some people would seek out casual sex but there'd be no point for me. That's not my nature. I don't think I've been seen even partially naked outside a doctor's office in 10 years.
They say losing a spouse is worse than a parent but I posited that giving how my life was structured, I was almost a platonic surrogate. She was my life, out schedules and finances and purchases and shopping and entertainment habits were tightly coupled. I kept her company, saw to her meal preparation, medications, helped with her laundry, the cleaning, etc. I've been blind-sided. I'm not not a believer but I'm definitely a struggler. Not a doubting-Thomas as much as flummoxed. Like I wrote earlier about that which is called for of those wrestling with homosexual feelings or urges by various Christian sects: it seems hopeless and disconnected.
The cat spent some time sleeping in mother's room and has spent some time there today. Yes, I did remember the tuna. I don't remember hearing any rain last night. Neither did the neighbor. He needs to get more sleep at his age. He went to bed after midnight and was up at 5:30 with at least one break during the night. At least the swelling in his hands appears gone.
I need to decide if I'll stop over at the neighbor's tonight. I know he invited me back but I don't want to be too much of a proverbial guest. I realize it's not been a week and he probably appreciates having someone to talk to. I know he'll be out tomorrow for his doctor's appointment.
I better get that food in me. It's probably ice cold.
Sunday, February 19, 2006
Watch Out For Sleeping Cats
I almost sat on the cat. I feel like an ass. Now she's hiding under mother's bed. To my knowledge she's never slept in this chair. She blended so well with the black-and-white furry blanket that I just didn't notice her. I must be more careful. Tomorrow she definitely gets tuna.
I'm still unsure I'll cover the bills as the come rolling in but my feeling is less of fear now that I think it's at least possible and have a fairly good diagram of when what is due and what the obligation will be. I'm still going to ask my uncle for help. I'll sign a note, pay interest, if he likes. That's not a problem. For me, this isn't a means but a flow issue. I hope he's able and willing to assist.
I'm mentally anguished thinking that the pain my mother described in her lower back as worse than labor pain had to be the damage and infection which took her too early.
Went out with my brother a while this afternoon so he could get the birthday gift his wife had been meaning for him to have. He'd forgotten both his money and his card so we only window-shopped. We ended up at a Sears and he found what he wanted but had to go home for his card. We then went to his nearby Sears to find out the floor jack (lifts cars so you can work under them more easily) was on sale. He saved $10 bucks. Given fuel prices and the relative inefficiency of the new mini-van, he might've spent that on fuel driving around! OK, it's not that bad but bad enough. He ended up with a KIA Sedona. It has a nice ride and the seats, for being foam-filled, are comfortable.
Gah! I feel bad for the kitty. Poor traumatized kitty. She got hair ball gel earlier and we spend some time on the bed while I had a snack. She doesn't understand why things are different. The schedule is all off. The TV hasn't been on, mother's not around, I'm not sleeping on my usual time clock, etc. I did get her cat box changed a day early though. Now I wonder if I should've waited that extra day. Maybe I've confused her more. At least I'm talking to her and offering as much petting as probably either of us can stand.
I finally caught up with Duckie a moment during his lunch hour. He chastised me about spending unwisely. I'll keep that in mind. It's important that I do second guess how and where I put my money in the coming months and weeks. He might be demented but this was sage advice. I still need a holiday when things are stable.
The neighbor's wife is in horrible shape. She's just a bit above my four year old niece in some ways. All grins, little talk. She does know how to put together actual words, though, which the niece is not really able yet. My brother expects she'll be held back from Kindergarten.
Why is John Tesh now the local "love song" host? Damn it. He's annoying! Well, I actually liked the woman we used to have for about 100 years. He's probably cheaper and syndicated. I hate corporate radio. It's gotten so cheap and cheesy.
I'm still unsure I'll cover the bills as the come rolling in but my feeling is less of fear now that I think it's at least possible and have a fairly good diagram of when what is due and what the obligation will be. I'm still going to ask my uncle for help. I'll sign a note, pay interest, if he likes. That's not a problem. For me, this isn't a means but a flow issue. I hope he's able and willing to assist.
I'm mentally anguished thinking that the pain my mother described in her lower back as worse than labor pain had to be the damage and infection which took her too early.
Went out with my brother a while this afternoon so he could get the birthday gift his wife had been meaning for him to have. He'd forgotten both his money and his card so we only window-shopped. We ended up at a Sears and he found what he wanted but had to go home for his card. We then went to his nearby Sears to find out the floor jack (lifts cars so you can work under them more easily) was on sale. He saved $10 bucks. Given fuel prices and the relative inefficiency of the new mini-van, he might've spent that on fuel driving around! OK, it's not that bad but bad enough. He ended up with a KIA Sedona. It has a nice ride and the seats, for being foam-filled, are comfortable.
Gah! I feel bad for the kitty. Poor traumatized kitty. She got hair ball gel earlier and we spend some time on the bed while I had a snack. She doesn't understand why things are different. The schedule is all off. The TV hasn't been on, mother's not around, I'm not sleeping on my usual time clock, etc. I did get her cat box changed a day early though. Now I wonder if I should've waited that extra day. Maybe I've confused her more. At least I'm talking to her and offering as much petting as probably either of us can stand.
I finally caught up with Duckie a moment during his lunch hour. He chastised me about spending unwisely. I'll keep that in mind. It's important that I do second guess how and where I put my money in the coming months and weeks. He might be demented but this was sage advice. I still need a holiday when things are stable.
The neighbor's wife is in horrible shape. She's just a bit above my four year old niece in some ways. All grins, little talk. She does know how to put together actual words, though, which the niece is not really able yet. My brother expects she'll be held back from Kindergarten.
Why is John Tesh now the local "love song" host? Damn it. He's annoying! Well, I actually liked the woman we used to have for about 100 years. He's probably cheaper and syndicated. I hate corporate radio. It's gotten so cheap and cheesy.
Couple More Things...
So the car won't be ready for at least two more weeks. Once it was apart there was more damage than originally estimated. I tried to talk my brother into taking title and then my sister-in-law is trying to talk me into keeping it. My brother seems to be having a harder time processing things than I am. That's just my impression. He tells me the same stories and still expresses being dumbfounded and numb. I can hear it in his voice.
I think I know why mother insisted I leave. I offered to stay with her when my brother decided he needed to go home, take his son to school and get cleaned up. She's always protected me. When I was young and a severe asthmatic, doctors had told her to protect me from stress triggers. She always did. When my father slipped off a building at work and fell four stories, when she came down with breast cancer, when my grandmother was terminal... and even later. I just found out the other day my brother had been down with mono last year. Maybe it had to do with my hospitalization at 2 yrs where I spent time in an oxygen tent. That had to scare her. I'm tough intellectually and have learned a bit about coping. I've learned to talk more. I've learned not to bottle things up so much. I've learned a bit about mitigation and distraction. I'm potentially better off than I've ever been as a person, if not in these circumstances. And make no mistake, these circumstances suck.
I think I can live in the house alone if possible, even if just short term. I'm puzzled why my brother expects this could drag out a year. I would be shocked if it even takes six months to have things settled and plans in place to pay off any outstanding debts of the estate. Perhaps I'm too optimistic or just ignorance is bliss in this case.
I found out some things about credit--don't take this as advice, this was just an observation shared with me. It seems if you have old debts, delinquent debts, you're better off letting them go than going back and paying them off. It seems that will reset the virtual clock and it'll take another 7 yrs for those things to fall off your report. I've been fortunate not to have delinquent debts (knock wood). I also learned it's bad to pay off credit cards, they want you to carry a balance so I'll probably just pay down my one card with a balance and keep something on it just for the credit barons.
We're due for rain tonight perhaps and Monday as well. We had a little rain last night and it's been relatively cold. I don't mind. I've got good blankets, a cat and I survived sub-zero wind-chill temperatures during my uni days. That was some trial by freezer my very first winter and we had an Arctic storm! I learned the truth of bone-chilling cold where the very marrow hurt, where the warmth of my eyes causes my glasses to fog up. Where entering a heated room made you feel on fire as you thawed out. It was cool (both ways) but I don't think I'd want to make a habit out of it. I never did find out who pulled the fire alarm when I was in the shower and had to venture into the snow in a bathrobe and bare feet. Drunken idiot most likely.
OK, no duckie on line right now so I've still not talked to him all(?) week; we'll catch up one of these days. I'm off to bed and hopefully Genuine™ sleep!
I think I know why mother insisted I leave. I offered to stay with her when my brother decided he needed to go home, take his son to school and get cleaned up. She's always protected me. When I was young and a severe asthmatic, doctors had told her to protect me from stress triggers. She always did. When my father slipped off a building at work and fell four stories, when she came down with breast cancer, when my grandmother was terminal... and even later. I just found out the other day my brother had been down with mono last year. Maybe it had to do with my hospitalization at 2 yrs where I spent time in an oxygen tent. That had to scare her. I'm tough intellectually and have learned a bit about coping. I've learned to talk more. I've learned not to bottle things up so much. I've learned a bit about mitigation and distraction. I'm potentially better off than I've ever been as a person, if not in these circumstances. And make no mistake, these circumstances suck.
I think I can live in the house alone if possible, even if just short term. I'm puzzled why my brother expects this could drag out a year. I would be shocked if it even takes six months to have things settled and plans in place to pay off any outstanding debts of the estate. Perhaps I'm too optimistic or just ignorance is bliss in this case.
I found out some things about credit--don't take this as advice, this was just an observation shared with me. It seems if you have old debts, delinquent debts, you're better off letting them go than going back and paying them off. It seems that will reset the virtual clock and it'll take another 7 yrs for those things to fall off your report. I've been fortunate not to have delinquent debts (knock wood). I also learned it's bad to pay off credit cards, they want you to carry a balance so I'll probably just pay down my one card with a balance and keep something on it just for the credit barons.
We're due for rain tonight perhaps and Monday as well. We had a little rain last night and it's been relatively cold. I don't mind. I've got good blankets, a cat and I survived sub-zero wind-chill temperatures during my uni days. That was some trial by freezer my very first winter and we had an Arctic storm! I learned the truth of bone-chilling cold where the very marrow hurt, where the warmth of my eyes causes my glasses to fog up. Where entering a heated room made you feel on fire as you thawed out. It was cool (both ways) but I don't think I'd want to make a habit out of it. I never did find out who pulled the fire alarm when I was in the shower and had to venture into the snow in a bathrobe and bare feet. Drunken idiot most likely.
OK, no duckie on line right now so I've still not talked to him all(?) week; we'll catch up one of these days. I'm off to bed and hopefully Genuine™ sleep!
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Update? Yeah, I Guess It Is...
Life has been difficult. Sleep virtually impossible. Eating is a chore. I'm still in shock. I feel like my head has been hooked up to electrodes and given shock therapy. I'm having a difficult time in the house alone. My brother returns to work and his regular schedule on Tues. Maybe I should've stayed at his place a night but with all the kids I thought it would just make it worse on me. I had an offer to go with them to church tonight but I know I'd be a basket case. I am planning to put together my ebay auctions to avoid a major cash flow problem until the insurance is paid out.
Half the time I want to vomit. I want to just hide and make my brother handle this. It isn't that I can't do the business affairs it's all the alone time in the house. Yes I've got the cat who has barely left me alone but I've just had such a difficult time unplugging my mind so I can rest. And today when I finally did doze off my brother rang. Then I dozed off and my mother's accountant was returning my call. Then I doze off again and the doorbell rings with two women asking for lemons from the tree.
I'm not meant to rest. They say there's no rest for the weary and I'm beginning to believe it.
I just wish someone was here, even just a little time. I know I can step next door and say hello but my neighbor's a caregiver like I was. His wife is a huge task. It's good for both of us to chat but I'm just not feeling up to it tonight.
I keep thinking of how events played. Where mistakes were made or might've been. It really seems this was going to happen no matter what. Mother had faith in me that I could handle this. She wanted me to sort her affairs and so on but the emotional strain is just indescribable.
I told my brother and his wife that I now have a good understanding of why people build relationships, why there are marriages. It's for support in times like these. It might've been an intellectual understood thing before but not comprehended on a gut level. I've never really been alone for long, always a flatmate at uni or here with mother helping her through father's illness. As my brother said this past Christmas it seemed like she and I were hitting a stride, getting beyond those past events and looking to the future. We'd way overspent on his kids and mother and I planned to cut back this year. In retrospect, it was good.
The SIL won't live in this house. She won't even consider it. It's not rational at all and perhaps not even practical depending on what is needed to settle mother's estate. Still, I'm yearning to be around family. I don't have friends locally. Everyone's out of state or out of the country. But I've got my brother's family. They were planning to buy a house this year but appear to be signing another lease. I'm trying to eat a frozen spaghetti meal. Sigh.
She did ask if I was mad she kept bringing mother cigarettes. I told her it bothered me but it's water under the bridge. They were not a factor in this drama and I don't need the stress of holding that as a grudge. She is at least going to try again to quit once and for all herself.
I don't know if this is already in the blog but the autopsy is done, the tissue harvesting was done. She was in the mortuary's care when we made arrangements. At my brother's desire we'll be picking up mother's ashes for transport to the cemetery instead of having them delivered. In the moment, it seemed the least we could do for her. That will be this week. There's very little more I can do without death certificates which will hopefully be available this week as well. Even the most bare bones cremation is thousands of dollars. Mother'd told me she wanted to come this week (when she was feeling better) and pre-pay. That was a tough memory.
I don't really need this house. I don't need to live here. In fact I'd go out of my mind if I stay here for very long alone. I'll be content to sell to settle her estate. Last year we were planning to move ourselves anyway this spring but plans had slowed considerably. Partly with her brother's decision to move out of state for his wife's job.
I hate change. Despise it. I'll most definitely need a steady source of income but I might travel a bit before taking that on. As it is I don't know where I'll want to live. I used to think Vegas because of my uni friend but that seems very questionable now. I'd like to move closer to my brother's family in the short term. But then what? That's enough rambling. My food is nearly back to frozen. I better eat.
Half the time I want to vomit. I want to just hide and make my brother handle this. It isn't that I can't do the business affairs it's all the alone time in the house. Yes I've got the cat who has barely left me alone but I've just had such a difficult time unplugging my mind so I can rest. And today when I finally did doze off my brother rang. Then I dozed off and my mother's accountant was returning my call. Then I doze off again and the doorbell rings with two women asking for lemons from the tree.
I'm not meant to rest. They say there's no rest for the weary and I'm beginning to believe it.
I just wish someone was here, even just a little time. I know I can step next door and say hello but my neighbor's a caregiver like I was. His wife is a huge task. It's good for both of us to chat but I'm just not feeling up to it tonight.
I keep thinking of how events played. Where mistakes were made or might've been. It really seems this was going to happen no matter what. Mother had faith in me that I could handle this. She wanted me to sort her affairs and so on but the emotional strain is just indescribable.
I told my brother and his wife that I now have a good understanding of why people build relationships, why there are marriages. It's for support in times like these. It might've been an intellectual understood thing before but not comprehended on a gut level. I've never really been alone for long, always a flatmate at uni or here with mother helping her through father's illness. As my brother said this past Christmas it seemed like she and I were hitting a stride, getting beyond those past events and looking to the future. We'd way overspent on his kids and mother and I planned to cut back this year. In retrospect, it was good.
The SIL won't live in this house. She won't even consider it. It's not rational at all and perhaps not even practical depending on what is needed to settle mother's estate. Still, I'm yearning to be around family. I don't have friends locally. Everyone's out of state or out of the country. But I've got my brother's family. They were planning to buy a house this year but appear to be signing another lease. I'm trying to eat a frozen spaghetti meal. Sigh.
She did ask if I was mad she kept bringing mother cigarettes. I told her it bothered me but it's water under the bridge. They were not a factor in this drama and I don't need the stress of holding that as a grudge. She is at least going to try again to quit once and for all herself.
I don't know if this is already in the blog but the autopsy is done, the tissue harvesting was done. She was in the mortuary's care when we made arrangements. At my brother's desire we'll be picking up mother's ashes for transport to the cemetery instead of having them delivered. In the moment, it seemed the least we could do for her. That will be this week. There's very little more I can do without death certificates which will hopefully be available this week as well. Even the most bare bones cremation is thousands of dollars. Mother'd told me she wanted to come this week (when she was feeling better) and pre-pay. That was a tough memory.
I don't really need this house. I don't need to live here. In fact I'd go out of my mind if I stay here for very long alone. I'll be content to sell to settle her estate. Last year we were planning to move ourselves anyway this spring but plans had slowed considerably. Partly with her brother's decision to move out of state for his wife's job.
I hate change. Despise it. I'll most definitely need a steady source of income but I might travel a bit before taking that on. As it is I don't know where I'll want to live. I used to think Vegas because of my uni friend but that seems very questionable now. I'd like to move closer to my brother's family in the short term. But then what? That's enough rambling. My food is nearly back to frozen. I better eat.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
A Few Closing Thoughts For Tonight
There were a lot of signs mother subconsciously knew this was coming. I'm become a believer in such things. I get nightmares when I'm sick and no other time. She suddenly had an interest in estate planning although we didn't get everything done; I am hoping this won't be a horrible situation in the outcome. I'm trying to steel myself for major pain. So long as I can keep the cat, some place to live and afford to put food in us, I'm doing OK. For now. The rest is ancillary at this moment.
Mother had said years ago she knew "you'll never leave me." The thought, from the late 90's I'd say (I probably have a record somewhere) scared me. I had images of being "stuck" with another ailing parent. Now that she's passed away, I wish I had a bit more time. I wouldn't be greedy. I'd take a day, a full week is probably pushing it. I feel like I squandered a lot of time. So much time on avoiding things, on dealing with my own issues on maybe not taking enough time with her in these last days. I had hoped to begin having more substantial conversations this year. I waited too long. We're fantastic procrastinators in this family.
I'm distressed by the things she didn't get to do like the travel. She could've traveled but didn't. I should've forced the issue ages ago but I'd become more involved in trying to get her desire into concrete plans. But in the past several weeks she's talked instead about sending me to travel in her place; I could come back and tell her stories of what I'd seen and done. Alas, that'll never be either. Well, we can't *talk* about the travels but I can "tell" her in a way.
My faith has been screwed up. I was perhaps a bit hypocritical and did offer a prayer and I wanted Last Rights for her since her heart was Catholic if her practice was not. She hadn't been a church goer since quitting the Episcopals in the 1970s after voting to ordain women. I've just been having a difficult time sorting out the role of homosexuals in a Christian faith. It seems to run from celibacy-and-no-relationships on one end to entering a reeducation program to purge yourself or something.
I need to nap. I'm getting drowsy. Wish'd Duckie'd been online when I was there.
Mother had said years ago she knew "you'll never leave me." The thought, from the late 90's I'd say (I probably have a record somewhere) scared me. I had images of being "stuck" with another ailing parent. Now that she's passed away, I wish I had a bit more time. I wouldn't be greedy. I'd take a day, a full week is probably pushing it. I feel like I squandered a lot of time. So much time on avoiding things, on dealing with my own issues on maybe not taking enough time with her in these last days. I had hoped to begin having more substantial conversations this year. I waited too long. We're fantastic procrastinators in this family.
I'm distressed by the things she didn't get to do like the travel. She could've traveled but didn't. I should've forced the issue ages ago but I'd become more involved in trying to get her desire into concrete plans. But in the past several weeks she's talked instead about sending me to travel in her place; I could come back and tell her stories of what I'd seen and done. Alas, that'll never be either. Well, we can't *talk* about the travels but I can "tell" her in a way.
My faith has been screwed up. I was perhaps a bit hypocritical and did offer a prayer and I wanted Last Rights for her since her heart was Catholic if her practice was not. She hadn't been a church goer since quitting the Episcopals in the 1970s after voting to ordain women. I've just been having a difficult time sorting out the role of homosexuals in a Christian faith. It seems to run from celibacy-and-no-relationships on one end to entering a reeducation program to purge yourself or something.
I need to nap. I'm getting drowsy. Wish'd Duckie'd been online when I was there.
This Is Not Fun. But It Is Interesting.
From my prior post you can imagine, can't you? Wow. The pneumonia was perhaps pneumonia but wasn't the cause. The back pain she suffered wasn't just back pain. It was caused by some kind of clot event which caused part of her intestine to die, causing a systemic infection. Only the CT scan was able to reveal the damage. We were assured this was one of the hardest diagnoses to make. A similar thing happened to waiting-for-death Israel PM Ariel Sharon very recently.
I've been through all manner of emotions. Anger at myself for not seeing the illness for what it was or perhaps not being aggressive enough in her care. Anger for things I thought. Things unsaid. Our last conversation was mundane. She was telling me things she wanted me to buy for her at the grocery, what pajamas and robe she wanted, to wash her slippers and to clean her bathroom. My brother took the time to tell her he loved her, to talk to her about God and Jesus. While the illness was likely terminal, I did not expect her death so quickly. Yes I recognized her labored breathing as being reminiscent of my father's the morning he died. Yes I was cognizant of the nurse's repeated difficulty to record her blood pressure and the inconsistent oxygen levels blipping on the screen. I understood what the nurse was saying when she said her labs were all over the map and her kidney function was out of whack. But it didn't coalesce into a single emotion. I understood the meaning, not the gravity.
My brother said I should've been angry with him because we went back to his place so he could get cleaned up, shower and see his wife and kids. I went with him. I don't know why. Normally I would've stayed. Yes Mother told me to go to the house. She was a bit adamant. She had gotten very angry with me because I was insisting she finish drinking her CT dye. I'd had an abdominal CT scan before to look for inflammation (none found) so I knew what she should expect. I knew she was in and out of the CT very quickly. Perhaps it wasn't a quirk of my exhausted brain losing time. I was too quickly since even the ER guy who takes and brings patients for tests as needed told me outright, "She can't be done, it's too soon." It took a few extra minutes but she was finished already. I took that as a bad sign.
Somehow my uncle made it from near Los Angeles. My brother's wife had called to tell him about the surgery. After we saw her, and were being ushered away so she could take her trip to the morgue. My brother wanted to take the near elevators and I suggested we go back the way we came. It was fortunate our uncle had sought refuge in the cooler hall seats than the warm waiting room and we went as I directed. Because of that confluence of events, we were able to get him in to see her before she was taken away. I saw a nurse bring him a small box of tissue but don't know what was said. From there I went to Admitting to pay the bill. I remember mother getting hospital bills up to a year after father passed away. She was going to be paid in full. It was $250. I had already had one forgetful moment when I thought I'll have to tell Mother that her brother had come to see her.
I hated going back to my brother's place. I needed quiet and not noisy children. My nephew wanted to come back here with his dad and me but I expressed objection. It really wasn't any place for him. The house needed some cleaning, calls had to be made, I had to let our neighbor know. He took it very hard. Since mother and he were both spouses of stroke-victims, they had some things to share. He'd been good to us since father had passed on. I think I'll go see him tomorrow and return the useful papers he gave me filled with phone numbers. His wife reminded me of my four year old niece. When she asked how my mom was doing, I lied. I'm not given to lies. I guess I finally learned the value of a lie when the person is non-competent, could be very upset and unable to cope with her emotions. She was able to catch on that she'd been hurt from the general conversation but her husband only said yes that she'd been hurt. I mourn his struggle: a widower in effect but not in reality. Like mother was told by one of father's doctors.
Mother was lucky, in a way, she didn't face the lengthy dehumanizing condition that father did. One of no bowel control, no real memory, uncontrolled emotions. She would be glad. It seems so inhumane.
She seems fairly peaceful but not as peaceful. She didn't have the slight smile of her mother. That would've been impossible with her false teeth removed and a breathing tube down her throat--it had to stay in by law. She did not have the terrorized face of my father. I don't think they prepared the body because her eyes had not been fully closed. My brother did that for her and yet one eyelid slid up slightly as if to spy on me. I signed off on an autopsy which had been recommended by the surgeon. Mother and I had spent many a conversation wondering what really killed father, what was really wrong when he needed so many transfusions. We regretted not asking for one but I think I was afraid that I might just see blame: something I overlooked, something we could've done more for him. I told her these things since I know she wasn't thrilled with the idea of being opened up.
I'm thankful she did not die at home. She wouldn't have wanted that and she was quite specific about wanting to be kept at the hospital rather than discharged for home.
This evening a call came to ask for permission to harvest eye, bone and skin tissue for transplants. When the caller mentioned cleft palate as a common use for skin tissue donations I knew I had to go with it. I know mother wasn't interested in organ donation (and she was too old anyway) but I think she'd like to know she was helping kids like my nephew. Mother adored him and began donations to charities who helped such kids.
I asked for a callback and phoned my brother to get his read. He was interested as was his wife. I don't know why her opinion was called for but I did not say anything; she's been very accommodating in recent weeks. I just don't need the stress--who does? I got the callback and did the recorded consent. There were a couple spots I might've second guessed with more time but other than keeping her parts in the US and not allowing her unused parts to be used for scientific study, I mostly went for the whole package. The interviewer was excited because of mother's relatively good health (except for the death part, of course) and basic clean living outside of cigarettes. I'm not interested in following her bits so I don't know if I'll read future mailings. I hope she'd not mad. We had assumed with her breast cancer history she couldn't donate at all but it's been nearly 20 years so it's no problem. It seems while I'm not the oldest child because of my co-residence with her I am the legal next of kin. Just as she wanted.
I did a lot of talking to my Vegas pal today. More time on the phone than in maybe forever. But it helped me get out a lot of things that weren't emotionally appropriate for my brother (or his family). He has his own grief right now. I needed someone with a better read on me and he was the nearest person. I appreciate his taking my calls. I did a lot of choking up tonight. The tissue donor call brought a lot things to a head: I felt like I could do one more thing for mother. We had both been disappointed when father had no interest from donors but we had no realistic expectations there would be any.
I'm going to try to sleep soon. I had a quick nap after an exhausting day. The cat is fed and watered. I have to feed the fish tonight and clean their tanks tomorrow. I'd been waiting so mother could help just like I waited to take the Christmas Tree down until she could help. Yes, it's still up but hasn't been lighted since 12th night if not before.
I need a break. More in a while.
I've been through all manner of emotions. Anger at myself for not seeing the illness for what it was or perhaps not being aggressive enough in her care. Anger for things I thought. Things unsaid. Our last conversation was mundane. She was telling me things she wanted me to buy for her at the grocery, what pajamas and robe she wanted, to wash her slippers and to clean her bathroom. My brother took the time to tell her he loved her, to talk to her about God and Jesus. While the illness was likely terminal, I did not expect her death so quickly. Yes I recognized her labored breathing as being reminiscent of my father's the morning he died. Yes I was cognizant of the nurse's repeated difficulty to record her blood pressure and the inconsistent oxygen levels blipping on the screen. I understood what the nurse was saying when she said her labs were all over the map and her kidney function was out of whack. But it didn't coalesce into a single emotion. I understood the meaning, not the gravity.
My brother said I should've been angry with him because we went back to his place so he could get cleaned up, shower and see his wife and kids. I went with him. I don't know why. Normally I would've stayed. Yes Mother told me to go to the house. She was a bit adamant. She had gotten very angry with me because I was insisting she finish drinking her CT dye. I'd had an abdominal CT scan before to look for inflammation (none found) so I knew what she should expect. I knew she was in and out of the CT very quickly. Perhaps it wasn't a quirk of my exhausted brain losing time. I was too quickly since even the ER guy who takes and brings patients for tests as needed told me outright, "She can't be done, it's too soon." It took a few extra minutes but she was finished already. I took that as a bad sign.
Somehow my uncle made it from near Los Angeles. My brother's wife had called to tell him about the surgery. After we saw her, and were being ushered away so she could take her trip to the morgue. My brother wanted to take the near elevators and I suggested we go back the way we came. It was fortunate our uncle had sought refuge in the cooler hall seats than the warm waiting room and we went as I directed. Because of that confluence of events, we were able to get him in to see her before she was taken away. I saw a nurse bring him a small box of tissue but don't know what was said. From there I went to Admitting to pay the bill. I remember mother getting hospital bills up to a year after father passed away. She was going to be paid in full. It was $250. I had already had one forgetful moment when I thought I'll have to tell Mother that her brother had come to see her.
I hated going back to my brother's place. I needed quiet and not noisy children. My nephew wanted to come back here with his dad and me but I expressed objection. It really wasn't any place for him. The house needed some cleaning, calls had to be made, I had to let our neighbor know. He took it very hard. Since mother and he were both spouses of stroke-victims, they had some things to share. He'd been good to us since father had passed on. I think I'll go see him tomorrow and return the useful papers he gave me filled with phone numbers. His wife reminded me of my four year old niece. When she asked how my mom was doing, I lied. I'm not given to lies. I guess I finally learned the value of a lie when the person is non-competent, could be very upset and unable to cope with her emotions. She was able to catch on that she'd been hurt from the general conversation but her husband only said yes that she'd been hurt. I mourn his struggle: a widower in effect but not in reality. Like mother was told by one of father's doctors.
Mother was lucky, in a way, she didn't face the lengthy dehumanizing condition that father did. One of no bowel control, no real memory, uncontrolled emotions. She would be glad. It seems so inhumane.
She seems fairly peaceful but not as peaceful. She didn't have the slight smile of her mother. That would've been impossible with her false teeth removed and a breathing tube down her throat--it had to stay in by law. She did not have the terrorized face of my father. I don't think they prepared the body because her eyes had not been fully closed. My brother did that for her and yet one eyelid slid up slightly as if to spy on me. I signed off on an autopsy which had been recommended by the surgeon. Mother and I had spent many a conversation wondering what really killed father, what was really wrong when he needed so many transfusions. We regretted not asking for one but I think I was afraid that I might just see blame: something I overlooked, something we could've done more for him. I told her these things since I know she wasn't thrilled with the idea of being opened up.
I'm thankful she did not die at home. She wouldn't have wanted that and she was quite specific about wanting to be kept at the hospital rather than discharged for home.
This evening a call came to ask for permission to harvest eye, bone and skin tissue for transplants. When the caller mentioned cleft palate as a common use for skin tissue donations I knew I had to go with it. I know mother wasn't interested in organ donation (and she was too old anyway) but I think she'd like to know she was helping kids like my nephew. Mother adored him and began donations to charities who helped such kids.
I asked for a callback and phoned my brother to get his read. He was interested as was his wife. I don't know why her opinion was called for but I did not say anything; she's been very accommodating in recent weeks. I just don't need the stress--who does? I got the callback and did the recorded consent. There were a couple spots I might've second guessed with more time but other than keeping her parts in the US and not allowing her unused parts to be used for scientific study, I mostly went for the whole package. The interviewer was excited because of mother's relatively good health (except for the death part, of course) and basic clean living outside of cigarettes. I'm not interested in following her bits so I don't know if I'll read future mailings. I hope she'd not mad. We had assumed with her breast cancer history she couldn't donate at all but it's been nearly 20 years so it's no problem. It seems while I'm not the oldest child because of my co-residence with her I am the legal next of kin. Just as she wanted.
I did a lot of talking to my Vegas pal today. More time on the phone than in maybe forever. But it helped me get out a lot of things that weren't emotionally appropriate for my brother (or his family). He has his own grief right now. I needed someone with a better read on me and he was the nearest person. I appreciate his taking my calls. I did a lot of choking up tonight. The tissue donor call brought a lot things to a head: I felt like I could do one more thing for mother. We had both been disappointed when father had no interest from donors but we had no realistic expectations there would be any.
I'm going to try to sleep soon. I had a quick nap after an exhausting day. The cat is fed and watered. I have to feed the fish tonight and clean their tanks tomorrow. I'd been waiting so mother could help just like I waited to take the Christmas Tree down until she could help. Yes, it's still up but hasn't been lighted since 12th night if not before.
I need a break. More in a while.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Times Like These I Wish I Was A Drinking Man
So life's been complicated lately. Mostly up in my brain. The gay-straight alliance I helped found during my uni days was recently featured in a national story. I passed that along to my Vegas pal since we went to uni together. In return he tells me he's got a boyfriend and just came out to his dad. It's official now: I don't know a single straight person I'm not related to.
Bloody hell.
In other more mundane areas mother's being a lousy patient. The antibiotics are done, the SIL brought over more cigarettes and mother's not had much appetite. The car is now in the shop. Didn't bother with a rental. Brother got that minivan he needed since his family has expanded to five. Faithful readers might remember I went to a new car show with him and we looked at minivans.
I mentioned this to Braan before, about Brokeback. I had a problem with the film and my emotions about it evolved. I'd have talked with him about it but he said the film wasn't interesting enough to discuss. Duckie's not been. Anyway, mulling the film almost immediately after I noticed on a level I was Ennis to someone else as Jack. Back at uni, I mean. So I think about how if he'd been a woman how life would've been so very different, how the situation wouldn't have eaten at me like a pack of ravenous wolves in the midst of a sheep herd. It's been nearly 10 years now. It doesn't bite at me with quite the pain it did.
I have a lot of anger about homosexuals. On one hand I think they ought to be allowed to live and let live but on the other hand they make me nervous. There's some reason, not just paranoia, because I was pursued vigorously, assaulted and abused by a family friend. He was driven with jealousy in part over my emotional connection with my own Jack. I'm still angry at the pain I was caused.
I can watch gay theme films, even queer porn and get along with it more or less. There are some things that I have to turn away from but there's no reason to titillate. One, however, is any expectoration as lubrication. Doesn't matter what context, it makes me want to projectile vomit. I know why. That was the lubricating method of choice for the destructive predatory beast in my life. It's like a flashback moment.
Porn has been a part of my life since I was my eldest nephew's age. He's almost 8. It's had a destructive, or at least distorting impact on my life. When having sex with my girlfriend at uni, I was almost acting out porn scenes. There were photos snapped that first time, now long since destroyed (sorry Duckie--no pix for you). The porn started as pictorial magazines but it wasn't long before video porn came into my life. I've suspected it set forth a environment ripe for confusion because it was so-called double-penetration video: two men and a single woman. At times one man per pelvic entry point and even two men in one pelvic orifice. Toss this in with the absent father (work-addicted) and a protective, controlling mother with a contentious relationship with my brother and it's hardly surprising I've been a mess.
I've had people tell me I was straight, say I was gay-in-denial, say I was bisexual. My own girlfriend thought there was something going on between me and my Jack Twist. There wasn't. Well, there wasn't that we were aware of. Honest affection ran deeply, however. As you might guess, I've heard it all. I've had opportunities for gay sex. It just wasn't me. There might be a strong compassion but there's no sex to be had or given. Sorry.
I feel miserable. Sad. Empty. Perfect timing too: it's Valentines Day.
Bloody hell.
In other more mundane areas mother's being a lousy patient. The antibiotics are done, the SIL brought over more cigarettes and mother's not had much appetite. The car is now in the shop. Didn't bother with a rental. Brother got that minivan he needed since his family has expanded to five. Faithful readers might remember I went to a new car show with him and we looked at minivans.
I mentioned this to Braan before, about Brokeback. I had a problem with the film and my emotions about it evolved. I'd have talked with him about it but he said the film wasn't interesting enough to discuss. Duckie's not been. Anyway, mulling the film almost immediately after I noticed on a level I was Ennis to someone else as Jack. Back at uni, I mean. So I think about how if he'd been a woman how life would've been so very different, how the situation wouldn't have eaten at me like a pack of ravenous wolves in the midst of a sheep herd. It's been nearly 10 years now. It doesn't bite at me with quite the pain it did.
I have a lot of anger about homosexuals. On one hand I think they ought to be allowed to live and let live but on the other hand they make me nervous. There's some reason, not just paranoia, because I was pursued vigorously, assaulted and abused by a family friend. He was driven with jealousy in part over my emotional connection with my own Jack. I'm still angry at the pain I was caused.
I can watch gay theme films, even queer porn and get along with it more or less. There are some things that I have to turn away from but there's no reason to titillate. One, however, is any expectoration as lubrication. Doesn't matter what context, it makes me want to projectile vomit. I know why. That was the lubricating method of choice for the destructive predatory beast in my life. It's like a flashback moment.
Porn has been a part of my life since I was my eldest nephew's age. He's almost 8. It's had a destructive, or at least distorting impact on my life. When having sex with my girlfriend at uni, I was almost acting out porn scenes. There were photos snapped that first time, now long since destroyed (sorry Duckie--no pix for you). The porn started as pictorial magazines but it wasn't long before video porn came into my life. I've suspected it set forth a environment ripe for confusion because it was so-called double-penetration video: two men and a single woman. At times one man per pelvic entry point and even two men in one pelvic orifice. Toss this in with the absent father (work-addicted) and a protective, controlling mother with a contentious relationship with my brother and it's hardly surprising I've been a mess.
I've had people tell me I was straight, say I was gay-in-denial, say I was bisexual. My own girlfriend thought there was something going on between me and my Jack Twist. There wasn't. Well, there wasn't that we were aware of. Honest affection ran deeply, however. As you might guess, I've heard it all. I've had opportunities for gay sex. It just wasn't me. There might be a strong compassion but there's no sex to be had or given. Sorry.
I feel miserable. Sad. Empty. Perfect timing too: it's Valentines Day.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Take Me Out Back and Shoot Me. I'd Feel Better.
Had a car accident in the clinic parking lot. Bah. Car will need front bumper and new hood. Maybe grill too. Scraped my knee. All occupants were properly secured. Concrete is hell on paint!
More meds for Mother but prognosis is OK. Cough is aggravated tissue, not fluid at this point.
I need to find the entrance to my fall-out shelter. The cat's already inside, tuna in hand.
No surprise the widow King memorial was turned into a bashing of Bush. Between Fred Phelps' cult protesting funerals and the liberal party turning them into political rallies does no one give a fig about the dead anymore? Bah.
Edit: I think I read last night Phelps' group was going to show too. Sounds like quite a party.
More meds for Mother but prognosis is OK. Cough is aggravated tissue, not fluid at this point.
I need to find the entrance to my fall-out shelter. The cat's already inside, tuna in hand.
No surprise the widow King memorial was turned into a bashing of Bush. Between Fred Phelps' cult protesting funerals and the liberal party turning them into political rallies does no one give a fig about the dead anymore? Bah.
Edit: I think I read last night Phelps' group was going to show too. Sounds like quite a party.
Monday, February 06, 2006
Odd Day.
Cleaned the dining table today and put on a new table cloth. Looks ok but if the leaf is added, it's too short. In fact, I think all the table cloths are too short for the full-length of the table. Seems like poor planning but I haven't investigated in detail.
So I met the newest nephew today. He held one of my fingers. I declined to hold him; I was sweaty and just wasn't in the mood. He got released from the hospital a day early than expect. Not a bad looking kid and much quieter than I had anticipated for a newborn. The niece deliberately wet herself while I was at the grocery store. It's obvious to me she's having issues with no longer being "Miss Thang," center of the universe. Boo-hoo! Get over yourself and learn some words, you're going to be five years old! When her brother was her current age, or a month younger, just about when I met him he was pretty clear spoken. This girl needs schooling badly.
After groceries and a postal run (why is the flag half-staff?), I climbed out of the car at the drug store (the chemists, for the royal subjects reading) and at my foot was a credit card face down. The curious sort, I picked it up. Someone dropped his platinum card. He hadn't even signed it. I was going to turn it in at the store but I sized up the pair of employees and didn't want to trust them so I pocketed the card and took it home. I phoned the toll-free number on the back. I swear I was talking to India. After a couple disconnects while on hold, I left my name and number with some guy speaking clipped English and shredded the card as instructed. That was my good deed for the day I suppose.
At this point I'd eaten three saltine crackers and finally got back home. I settled on one of the pair of chicken caesar salads and fed mother the turkey frozen dinner she wanted.
I feel bad for the fish, their meals are off schedule. The invasion of relatives made the cat unusually nervous for hours after the coast was clear. Always the paranoid type, she's getting too old for that kind of trauma. At least I brought her crab munchies from the store. Maybe I'll share tuna with her.
Mother was coughing more. The SIL (sister-in-law) gave mother at least one cigarette when I was gone and left another with her when everyone left. I didn't bring death sticks from the store. I'd already had that conversation with Mother: won't buy them. The SIL is the ultimate enabler; what else do you call a person who gives f*gs to a pneumonia patient just one point above needing oxygen? Perhaps I don't understand. I'm not a smoker, the SIL is. Anyway, mother finished the oral steroid pill to help her breathing and has five more days of anti-biotics. I'm more serious about Mother's illness than I let on. It's troubling in that I honestly can say I don't know how many more she has in her until the inevitable.
We had blueberry muffins for 'snack'. My muffin was bland. I ate it anyway. I had two coffees today. I draw the line at that number. I'm not a coffee drinker. Not until this past week, anyway.
My brother's doctor has told him he's too old for push-ups. He's 36.
"Cowboys and Angels" is an amusing gay-themed (not really) film from Ireland. I say not really gay-themed because it has a few gay characters but that's not the center piece of the film but does play a part. I like the end voice over. I need to ponder it and myself.
On balance Ang Lee's films are ponderously boring. Each is like pulling teeth without the drama of having your face jerked from side-to-side or the mist spray of blood as the dentist saws a piece of jawbone for more room.
Canada makes a fabulous Wyoming. Beyond that, save your money on Brokeback Mountain. You might need it for some dental work.
So I met the newest nephew today. He held one of my fingers. I declined to hold him; I was sweaty and just wasn't in the mood. He got released from the hospital a day early than expect. Not a bad looking kid and much quieter than I had anticipated for a newborn. The niece deliberately wet herself while I was at the grocery store. It's obvious to me she's having issues with no longer being "Miss Thang," center of the universe. Boo-hoo! Get over yourself and learn some words, you're going to be five years old! When her brother was her current age, or a month younger, just about when I met him he was pretty clear spoken. This girl needs schooling badly.
After groceries and a postal run (why is the flag half-staff?), I climbed out of the car at the drug store (the chemists, for the royal subjects reading) and at my foot was a credit card face down. The curious sort, I picked it up. Someone dropped his platinum card. He hadn't even signed it. I was going to turn it in at the store but I sized up the pair of employees and didn't want to trust them so I pocketed the card and took it home. I phoned the toll-free number on the back. I swear I was talking to India. After a couple disconnects while on hold, I left my name and number with some guy speaking clipped English and shredded the card as instructed. That was my good deed for the day I suppose.
At this point I'd eaten three saltine crackers and finally got back home. I settled on one of the pair of chicken caesar salads and fed mother the turkey frozen dinner she wanted.
I feel bad for the fish, their meals are off schedule. The invasion of relatives made the cat unusually nervous for hours after the coast was clear. Always the paranoid type, she's getting too old for that kind of trauma. At least I brought her crab munchies from the store. Maybe I'll share tuna with her.
Mother was coughing more. The SIL (sister-in-law) gave mother at least one cigarette when I was gone and left another with her when everyone left. I didn't bring death sticks from the store. I'd already had that conversation with Mother: won't buy them. The SIL is the ultimate enabler; what else do you call a person who gives f*gs to a pneumonia patient just one point above needing oxygen? Perhaps I don't understand. I'm not a smoker, the SIL is. Anyway, mother finished the oral steroid pill to help her breathing and has five more days of anti-biotics. I'm more serious about Mother's illness than I let on. It's troubling in that I honestly can say I don't know how many more she has in her until the inevitable.
We had blueberry muffins for 'snack'. My muffin was bland. I ate it anyway. I had two coffees today. I draw the line at that number. I'm not a coffee drinker. Not until this past week, anyway.
My brother's doctor has told him he's too old for push-ups. He's 36.
"Cowboys and Angels" is an amusing gay-themed (not really) film from Ireland. I say not really gay-themed because it has a few gay characters but that's not the center piece of the film but does play a part. I like the end voice over. I need to ponder it and myself.
On balance Ang Lee's films are ponderously boring. Each is like pulling teeth without the drama of having your face jerked from side-to-side or the mist spray of blood as the dentist saws a piece of jawbone for more room.
Canada makes a fabulous Wyoming. Beyond that, save your money on Brokeback Mountain. You might need it for some dental work.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Groundhog's Day 2006
So the beast Phil saw its shadow. That's the groundhog, not Dr. Phil. Easy to get confused.
Yesterday finally got mother to the doctor. She's being treated for pneumonia although it's inconclusive whether she's actually got it or not. Since she's already COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease), such things aren't welcome. She had some lower back spasms too which she described as worse than labor pains. Now let's keep in mind she's been sick almost two full weeks. Let me warn readers that old people, especially parents, make for lousy patients. She got a chest x-ray that was sent off for further analysis and did a breathing treatment. I used to do those as a kid for my asthma. I've even got a photo of me with my mask on, the luggable respirator on the kitchen counter. Those were the days! It's probably surprising I survived at all considering I lived in a house with three chain smokers. So before I get too deep into memory lane, I was talking about the wonders of managed health care. The pharmacy missed one of the prescriptions because it'd been written up on the address line. I had to go back to waiting. I'd already been in the building three hours and my head was pounding. Finally bored with the lumpy jeezer in a "Look Better NAKED" T-shirt's comments to complete strangers, I got back in line and I decided if they didn't have it ready when I got back to the counter I'd need to start taking hostages. It was ready so I didn't make the evening news.
Mother seems no worse today, perhaps a bit more chipper but narcotic pain killers can do that to you.
The cat and fish are fine. I'm a bit screwed up and off schedule. I'll deal.
The pending newborn nephew hasn't been born just yet. Well as of Wednesday anyway. If he doesn't escape by Monday, labor will be induced. Somehow I still don't care. I mean, it's good for him I guess. Duckie won't believe what his name is going to be. His dad has a birthday coming up in the next several days.
I'm having coffee. Me! Coffee! That's a sign of the Apocalypse, surely. What's the world coming to?
Yesterday finally got mother to the doctor. She's being treated for pneumonia although it's inconclusive whether she's actually got it or not. Since she's already COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease), such things aren't welcome. She had some lower back spasms too which she described as worse than labor pains. Now let's keep in mind she's been sick almost two full weeks. Let me warn readers that old people, especially parents, make for lousy patients. She got a chest x-ray that was sent off for further analysis and did a breathing treatment. I used to do those as a kid for my asthma. I've even got a photo of me with my mask on, the luggable respirator on the kitchen counter. Those were the days! It's probably surprising I survived at all considering I lived in a house with three chain smokers. So before I get too deep into memory lane, I was talking about the wonders of managed health care. The pharmacy missed one of the prescriptions because it'd been written up on the address line. I had to go back to waiting. I'd already been in the building three hours and my head was pounding. Finally bored with the lumpy jeezer in a "Look Better NAKED" T-shirt's comments to complete strangers, I got back in line and I decided if they didn't have it ready when I got back to the counter I'd need to start taking hostages. It was ready so I didn't make the evening news.
Mother seems no worse today, perhaps a bit more chipper but narcotic pain killers can do that to you.
The cat and fish are fine. I'm a bit screwed up and off schedule. I'll deal.
The pending newborn nephew hasn't been born just yet. Well as of Wednesday anyway. If he doesn't escape by Monday, labor will be induced. Somehow I still don't care. I mean, it's good for him I guess. Duckie won't believe what his name is going to be. His dad has a birthday coming up in the next several days.
I'm having coffee. Me! Coffee! That's a sign of the Apocalypse, surely. What's the world coming to?
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