Torment

I hate feeling tormented. I know it's all in my head but it's hard to wrestle. I had two naps yesterday, then went to bed late and just couldn't get myself out of bed until late morning. I didn't want to move although I felt like all nerves. The cat had taken up residence next to me which was nice I guess. I feel bad for her. I feel bad for myself too.

Now I've been up awhile, finally have food prepared. I know a lot of my mood is tied to not eating enough. I'm letting the food cool a bit. I'm having a larger meal than usual in hopes my mood will be better throughout the day.

Since the tax fiasco I've felt like Mother just passed away all over again. I should've followed my instincts and not delegated that task but I didn't see the harm. It seemed an easy way for a bit of stress relief.

I'm back to the trouble sleeping, poor appetite, oppressive loneliness, difficulty concentrating and self-motivating. I want to go outside and scream--to wail with grief like those Mid-Eastern widows you see on TV. I'd like to morn but I can't seem to get myself to "let go" and do some.

I feel very empty and directionless. Sure, things are moving ahead with the house and I know the coming probate process and so forth but that's only part of the story. That's the estate, and has nothing to do with me being able to take care of myself and the cat.

When I talked to the SIL she seemed so pushy about the house. I always seem to feel worse talking err... well listening to her. Of course, my real fear is what happens once I've moved and don't have the house to work on. I'll need a new place to live and need to find work.

Money is a prime concern. I need to have money at hand to navigate this trouble. I've been trying to be myself plus the estate. Do I slash my expenses further? Drop medical coverage? I'm fortunate that I don't have much ongoing debt but once I have to move out I'll be carrying either my own mortgage or rent and someone will need to maintain the estate's mortgage payments as well. It's obnoxious that local rent is higher than the mortgage!

If there were a way to avoid moving until I'm really prepared to get on my feet again things would be easier but this isn't going to be easy, is it? Unexpected death rarely is.

And advance seems a rational course. It's not a debt I'll have and maintain but it'll give me some means to get on my feet. Life is truly aggravating. I may have erred in paying Mother's taxes from my pocket. It wasn't my own obligation to pay. I find myself battling between my desire to honor Mother's obligations and (nearly) forgetting about my own needs. This circumstance is alien and repulsive. I'm beginning to struggle with how I seem to be going it alone with responsibility.