Bah. Another Weekend!

So it's Saturday now around 7:30pm. Brother's supposed to come over tomorrow. We'll see. I had a crazy thought lounging in bed and that was that I wanted to keep this house. I was imagining way I could get a loan to buy out brother's interest and pay off the estate debts. I'm on the verge of losing my grip on reality at times! I think it was probably the lack of food in me but I had all kind of crazy ideas of how to keep the house.

I woke up about every hour again last night. Ridiculous crap! And I had yet another dream involving buses.

Anyway, I got outside probably around noon and got that other flower box sorted and did a bit of painting this afternoon. I'm down to just half of the fence along the far end of the driveway. Right now that's kind of blocked by lemon tree remains but I'll get to work on it and that will take care of the fence painting and leave me with about one full gallon and a half-gallon left. I was going to paint the mail box but I decided to say, "F- it." I decided to leave it silver. Brother doesn't like it? He can get a replacement!

Got a bill for my life insurance and more loan offers for Mother. I paid the phone bill. When I was nearly at a reasonable stopping point on the painting the neighbor's visiting daughter walked over and asked if I could take a look at her dad's computer. So I did that for about an hour or so after I got a little cleaned up. I ended up coming back here and taking a PC over and back again and getting a monitor to take next door. I was just going to take a laptop but couldn't find my adaptor for monitors. Anyway, by process of elimination I figured out his monitor is dead. He's sure it's 5-7 years old. Not great news sure but as he said he can move to a flat panel now. He did help me bring my stuff back which he didn't have to.

I'd love to go next door this evening but his grandson is over and I don't want to be a distraction. I'm feeling a bit caged in this house. I want desert damn it. Something sweet. I don't know why I've had those sweet-tooth cravings since I've not been a bit sweets eater. Must be something lacking in my diet.

I want to lay down for a nap tonight so I'm rested if or when Brother shows up but don't want to squander a perfectly reasonable evening. I think the urge to nap is both my body saying it's tired and my brain saying it needs an escape. Maybe I'll dream about buses. That's probably four or five dreams in a row involving buses. The cat has been quiet today. I need to buy her food and the freezer will probably be empty this week. I have figured out my finances to get me through May OK. I don't know where the money will come from for June but at least I know I have some resources available to utilize.

I hope the insurance pays so I can stop having to think about who to pay, what to sit on, how much to buy, etc. I might even take a quick trip just to recharge my draining self. Not sure where I'd go. Vegas is not in my most gracious light right now but I'd get to see the boyfriend perhaps and see if that's actually a city I could affordably live in. If my uncle does move in June, I could perhaps visit with them when they're settling in Tennessee. If insurance declines to pay, my life will get much more complicated and the opportunity to recover will not come until maybe as far away as next year. I hope it doesn't come to that. I'm already feeling run down but keep doing things to avoid the inevitable mind-games over Mother's passing which come when I have idle hands.

Maybe I should flee to Aus and hide Duckie's basement with the snakes and spiders!

Fatigue Setting In?

I slept with the door open. Kitty put me to bed, went for food and then decided to return and stay all night so we battled for the bed space. I probably woke up every hour. I didn't get out of bed until noon. I was very sore and tired from taking the tree down. I felt exhausted.

The phone rang just after 9am. I answered. It was records department telling me they shipped copies on Wednesday so now I just have to wait for the insurance company to make up a reason to deny claim. Should get word just in time for Mother's Day. :(

The phone rang an hour or so later and it was a recorded message telling me to buy a year phone card for my cell. I don' t need one though and I was annoyed at the phone.

It is after 2pm and I've done nothing except feed the fish, get dressed, eat and listen to the cat meowing at me for no good reason. She has food, water, gotten pettings and hair ball stuff already. She's getting on my very frayed nerves!

I can't remember the last time I felt so tired. I tried call Brother's house but there was no answer. Want to know if he's coming over this weekend. I want to do some more yard work today but because of how tired I feel I'm concerned I should rest. If Brother comes over he'll want to install those french doors which will be a lot of work. I can't afford to be injured. RL has a ball game tomorrow afternoon.

The cat is back to torment me. I will try to write more later.

The cat calmed down when I spent a couple minutes with her sitting on my bed and giving petting. I went outside and did some weeding. I got one flower box cleared totally. It's after 5pm now. For my efforts I'm sneezing. *sigh* Tried calling Brother's house but still no answer. Mail brought a bill. Fun!

It's quarter to 7pm now. I went back outside for awhile and pulled more weeds on the other flower box. I was doing fine until the neighbor across the street started mowing. Then it was sneeze! Sneeze! SNEEZE! Evil! I got those weeds out but didn't turn the dirt or put down weed & feed stuff. I need to eat something.

Evil day?

The insurance company sent a letter. It came today and said they are still waiting for the medical records! I left message with the records office and will probably get a call tomorrow. Even more annoying!!!

I cut down the lemon tree out front of the house. The neighbor helped so I didn't get killed doing it alone. :P

I still ended up with a rope burn and probably some calluses on my hands. There's always something with a project: a scrape, a cut, a nail in the foot...

Half of the car park / driveway has lemon tree branches on it. I wish Brother had Mother's truck working so it could be easily hauled away. Instead I'll have to break it down for garbage. That's basically busy work for me rather than actually productive effort!

I went to shed in backyard and took out various tools so I could have them for the yard at the front of the house. I even brought the rotor tiller out to the garage so maybe I can use that to tear up the dirt. I'll let brother try to get it started. It's petrol-powered and didn't start for me but it hasn't been used in probably five years.

I guess the SIL told Brother she thinks he and I are conspiring and too secretive about estate! LOLOL. She's is crazy?

I want a nap. Just started sneezing. Need to get that stopped. *sigh*

Still no rain! See? Weather people know nothing!

It's coming up on 8pm and Brother emailed to say realtor demand we be on the market for June. I don't know how this is going to happen not that there's much that needs doing and I'm getting as many things in as I can but that's pushing it badly unless I get some help. I hate the realtor. Well, I hate this circumstance more than anything.

It's almost 11pm. No sign of rain yet. I'm tired but also hungry. The cat just showed up to meow at me. She's cute that way. I think I'll find something to eat and perhaps just go to bed. It was a physically busy day and I don't know when I'll get the call back from the medical records department.

Weird Day

I'm sitting here feeling kind of miserable because of allergies.

Brother called and said he was just leaving to come over. I was awake but not really up yet. It was probably 10am. When he got here I was concerned about having the money for all of the bills to be paid. Well, I totaled it up and I didn't if I wanted money for food. I paid four bills and held back on the mortgage and another bill which hasn't come in yet. I might be able to pay just a minimum instead of the balance.

We went to the bank first but it was busy and Brother had to pick up RL early from school because it's Wednesday. I suggested we leave because it would take awhile. It was of to the post office so I could do the bill paying. So we got back to the house and he chatted a bit and left. He had brought the voltage meter I asked for.

I've been taking down the lights that are built into the wall Father built. I used the meter to check the wires and got no result so I cut the wires and did not die. I got more wires, taped, removed some, got the first light down and that was good. I moved to the next light and basically repeated my efforts. At some point I went back and filled in the holes dug yesterday to find the wires.

The last light had a hornet's nest in it. And it was occupied! I used a water spray bottle to chase them away. I got the light removed without incident. After that I started trimming back the lemon tree. I got both trash bins filled and there was still tons more! That's about where I gave up for the day. I left my bedroom door closed so no kitty came in last night. I slept OK.

Mid-week

Well it's Wednesday, just half-passed midnight. Brother is supposed to come over in the morning so I can pay the mortgage. This is depends on the SIL getting him up. He'll have to be gone pretty early since RL is out of school half-passed noon on Wednesdays. Rain could start this evening and is supposed to go through Thursday.

Not sure what I'll tackle indoors if the rain is actually pressing. I had considered painting a bathroom but that might not be a good idea. When has that stopped me before though, right? Must attempt some sleep tonight. No idea where the kitty is, last evening she was hiding in the sun room addition at night. Tonight I more or less vegetated: blogged, scanned a number of old family photos, listened to talk radio and finally ate chili and later I had the last full strawberry preserve sandwich. I tried to find the plans and drawing I know I have for the wall but they didn't turn up. I can't recall where I put them. I'll need to give it some thought. Maybe another quick look will help me sleep?

Damn Blog!

I had a posting yesterday and it's no where to be seen. Damn it. Anyway, it's Tuesday now.

Yesterday I mowed the lawn and got the painting pretty much wrapped up except on the other side of the car park (driveway). Rain is due tomorrow and it's been clouded and cool all day so I didn't want to risk brushing metal all day. I sprayed the mailbox. It's now silver. I'm not sure I like it that way but we'll see. I dug up some weeds and began removing the lights attached to the block wall.

Well, that turned into a bit of a project. I asked the neighbor for advice because I'm going to completely remove the lighting which hasn't worked in years (if it was ever finished). That lead to digging up wires which began more wires, a junction box, and a pipe with still another wire! And then the other flower box ended up with the same setup. Wires, wires, wires! We tried the voltage meter that was in the garage but we couldn't get it to register any voltage anywhere so it's probably junk. Mother didn't make me buy one. :(

I left a message for Brother to call me. He did. I asked him to bring a voltage meter with him when he's next here. He can't remember if the lights ever worked either but wants to say they did and so do I but we agree that was probably in the late 1970's which would explain why the neighbor doesn't remember them ever working. He moved in during the early 1980's. I have many of Father's drawings and things for the project so I'll see if that can give me clues. With Mother and Father gone I don't know what I'm dealing with. Live wires, not live, where do they all run, etc. I doubt Mother would know actually since she was pregnant with me when the wall was built. Brother was just a toddler too. I have to admit that I've grown to like the wall. I've always thought it was very nice when wet but now that it's been painted again, I'm getting an appreciation of what Father was trying to do. I am thinking that if I own a house I'll will do something like it. Being behind a wall is good for my paranoia too!

I have been working and then eating after I am done working out doors. It seems to have been good for me. Today because it's chilly I had... chili! I wanted to have crackers with it but forgot.

The government wasted no time taking the tax payout for Mother. I'll be fine for May but beyond that things fall into an unknown at this point. There are means and alternatives plus maybe the large policy pay out so I'm not going to be sleeping in a ditch with the kitty come June. At least I don't expect to be.

I've been thinking of moving with my uncle to Tennessee mostly because of the family connection. It's something for me to think about and like every other possibility, it all depends on my means. There's nothing left for me here in CA except the kitty and neighbor and kitty can go with me. Neighbor is only neighbor as long as I'm living here or nearby where I might be inclined to visit. I wouldn't mind be around Brother but SIL doesn't like me and if I'm going to see that family I'll almost have to move in next door or drop in at random times. I'm a bit disappointed about Easter but that's life, eh? Mother's Day is coming in a few weeks. I don't know how we'll deal with that. Maybe Brother will want to go visit Mother and see the new marker which should be in place. Mother's Day was never a big deal around here. She and I treated it about like any other day or we'd go shopping ahead of time and get something she wanted. There's a set of crystal dishes and a ring that were Mother's Day gifts which have been upsetting reminders of circumstance. Still Mother's birthday this summer will be much harder for me. The SIL has a birthday too this summer and Vegas.

I already have set aside something for the SIL which Mother'd planned for Christmas but it was on backorder and with Mother gone, I'll wrap Mother's for the SIL and call that a birthday gift. Vegas will get an email or card I guess. I don' t know if he's back from Hawaii or not. I wish the Duckie or someone were here to keep me sane. I stayed up last night but he wasn't online. And even after that sleep was quite difficult. I didn't drift off until probably 6am. I got up around 1am and went immediately to work on chores.

Lost Weekend?

Well I forced myself to stay in bed until noon. That was only an hour or two extra of sleep. It rained last night. And now I see it might rain Thursday. Supposedly the rain is done for today but considering the forecast didn't mention rain which appeared, I wonder why they spend so much money on weather technology. They're pretty good at hurricanes but they don't seem very good about the more subtle weather here. Whatever.

So Brother just emailed. He worked Saturday and is back again today so he won't be over at all. Thus a lost weekend for accomplishing things with the wallboard and french doors. Disappointing and not good for my mental state to be sure.

Had a weird dream. I've had a few of late. I'll write about them later. Maybe. Consider this a "marker" for that. Or not.

Ok, it's after 6pm now. The weather cleared so I spent the afternoon painting wrought iron. It's a fairly Zen thing. I think I'll miss it a bit when I'm finally finished. Give me another day's afternoon, perhaps two and I think I could have it wrapped up. Then maybe I'll attack interior painting to keep myself occupied this week. Chatting with the neighbor kept me sane. I think I'll go over for a bit of TV viewing one night this week.

I've had a bit of a rough time and narrowed it down with regards to Mother's passing. I want to know if I had a hand in her death. She was given an anti-inflammatory for her back pain and I wonder if that medication triggered the blockage which lead to tissue death causing the septic infection that ultimately took her away. Since I was the one who picked up the meds and dished them out as requested I want to know if I had a part. Was I death's unknowing instrument? Still no sign of the autopsy yet which could shed light on things. Since the death certificate only suggests this had happened days prior to her death it's well within the window of when she was taking that anti-inflammatory. That type of drug has been in the news a lot for causing or carrying added cardio risks. It can't bring her back but I'd like my mind set at ease. Was this just "her time" or a terribly confluence of events in which I played a part as a facilitator? If the problem goes back before she was put on those meds I'd feel better. As it is now, her death seems a foul up of modern medicine. As my uncle said, "That's why doctors have a license to practice medicine." The key being practice.

I've been kicking around seeing if I can become part of the exodus to Tennessee from CA along with my uncle's family. I'm familiar with my surroundings now but I think they aren't good for me. It's easy for me to be isolated, not easy to get around and so forth. A whole new scene could be very therapeutic for me. What's in Tennessee? Well, not a lot. Nashville is on the other end of the state and pretty much everything comes from there. It would be a very different circumstance. More down-to-earth. Housing is inexpensive. I'd have relatives there, some or nearly all I don't know so well but it would be a new adventure for everyone. Staying here makes sense only if I'm attached to my home city. My SIL doesn't like me. That's the vibe. I wouldn't mind being around my brother or the nepheices but it's clear I'd basically have to move virtually on top of them or be willing to drop in at random.

I should nap OK tonight. Hopefully no paint cold will strike.

Bah

So Friday I got up late and spent the afternoon outside painting some of the metal portions of the wall out front. I got through the gate which took two hours and some decorative pieces plus one half of the front-most area. Clearly this is going to take longer than I imagined. I've been painting by brush. Mother was going to do this task.

Last night I was completely miserable with a "paint cold" with lots of sneezing. I finally slept after 2am. I woke up feeling good at 4am but that was way too little sleep so I went back to bed and felt pretty sore and tired when I woke. Brother had said he was going to try to come out both days today but it's after 1pm and he hasn't been heard from or seen. It's very cloudy today and the reports had hinted at possible "showers" this evening so I'm not sure painting is a good idea. The neighbor thinks it could take me a week to do all the painting. I had to admit it but that could be reasonable. It's slow going and I didn't like the look of it when I checked it today. I don't care, really. It's painted, right?

Not sure what, if anything, I'll get accomplished today. Maybe I should hide in bed with the kitty. Need to get a meal in me before my mood crumbles into desolate annoyance.

Spent Time Outside

I spent time outside in the sunshine today. I reconditioned the vent covers for one bathroom by cleaning, priming and painting them. Finishing that, I turned to the wall that surrounds the front yard which I had considered painting last week but didn't due to pending rain. I guess rain is not expected this weekend. I had to trim some of the neighbor's vegetation back and also washed up the metal which I primed where I noticed rust. Tomorrow I will try to get it all painted. This was going to be Mother's paint project.

Wanting to mask some of the metal, I came in the house and asked, "Do we have any newspaper," knowing I'd be met with silence. It was a hard day of missing Mother. I cursed a bit. This circumstance is wrong so many levels. Grrr.

I think I'll turn in early for a nap so I can avoid being sullen tonight. I'm not really up for a visit next door; I feel it might be disruptive. I should nab another bit of food. Maybe some yogurt.

Take This Color Quiz!

I found this quick and entertaining. When it says click a color, keep clicking on different colors until you've clicked them all.

I took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Intense, vital, and animated, taking a delight in ..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

Torment

I hate feeling tormented. I know it's all in my head but it's hard to wrestle. I had two naps yesterday, then went to bed late and just couldn't get myself out of bed until late morning. I didn't want to move although I felt like all nerves. The cat had taken up residence next to me which was nice I guess. I feel bad for her. I feel bad for myself too.

Now I've been up awhile, finally have food prepared. I know a lot of my mood is tied to not eating enough. I'm letting the food cool a bit. I'm having a larger meal than usual in hopes my mood will be better throughout the day.

Since the tax fiasco I've felt like Mother just passed away all over again. I should've followed my instincts and not delegated that task but I didn't see the harm. It seemed an easy way for a bit of stress relief.

I'm back to the trouble sleeping, poor appetite, oppressive loneliness, difficulty concentrating and self-motivating. I want to go outside and scream--to wail with grief like those Mid-Eastern widows you see on TV. I'd like to morn but I can't seem to get myself to "let go" and do some.

I feel very empty and directionless. Sure, things are moving ahead with the house and I know the coming probate process and so forth but that's only part of the story. That's the estate, and has nothing to do with me being able to take care of myself and the cat.

When I talked to the SIL she seemed so pushy about the house. I always seem to feel worse talking err... well listening to her. Of course, my real fear is what happens once I've moved and don't have the house to work on. I'll need a new place to live and need to find work.

Money is a prime concern. I need to have money at hand to navigate this trouble. I've been trying to be myself plus the estate. Do I slash my expenses further? Drop medical coverage? I'm fortunate that I don't have much ongoing debt but once I have to move out I'll be carrying either my own mortgage or rent and someone will need to maintain the estate's mortgage payments as well. It's obnoxious that local rent is higher than the mortgage!

If there were a way to avoid moving until I'm really prepared to get on my feet again things would be easier but this isn't going to be easy, is it? Unexpected death rarely is.

And advance seems a rational course. It's not a debt I'll have and maintain but it'll give me some means to get on my feet. Life is truly aggravating. I may have erred in paying Mother's taxes from my pocket. It wasn't my own obligation to pay. I find myself battling between my desire to honor Mother's obligations and (nearly) forgetting about my own needs. This circumstance is alien and repulsive. I'm beginning to struggle with how I seem to be going it alone with responsibility.

Fun!

So the Feds rejected the return for some error that made no sense having to do with date of death. I took that out because their computer was probably confused by the year of death not being the tax year. Today I see they accepted the return. I can't believe the amount due--$1200! I paid on Mother's behalf and now I'm nervous over money because I didn't expect paying that out along with mortgage payments, supplies for house and my own bills. That amount is much higher than last year though her income didn't change much. I think the taxes were screwed up and not just by the "last minute" thing. I'm very seriously considering calling Mother's regular accountant and saying... look at this mess, please! Mother has more than that in a savings account but we don't have access to it. I still think the dead have a better time of it than those left behind!

When Father installed a security door 20 years ago, he built a second threshold for it, making the overall opening smaller. I took some wood down along the top to make more room to move the new french doors inside. I think there's enough space now if we're careful.

Yesterday I called a different place about inheritance advance. That fee was only 50%. I thought the guy was a prick. I should call other places too but I feel ashamed to be in situation to call them. I have always hated borrowing money and even though this is basically borrowing from my future self it requires middle man. Borrowing is admission of failure. I have failed to amass huge amounts of money for unexpected situations. :(

With the tax thing and large policy still an unknown I might have to do that. Duckie convinced me selling car is worse than advance because equivalent car would cost lots more and car will be needed anyway for transportation. At this point I've been walking except when I have Brother here or when I had to call neighbor for a lift from grocery store. Ok, I took bus to court but I'd still be walking if I hadn't! I do still have a free one-way bus pass.

I'm trying to convince myself an advance isn't so bad because fee will more than be "earned" in "fixes" done to house: landscape, carpet, ceiling scraping... It seems we only want "small money" so the option of doing an administrator loan is not worth it. I guess that's like a 2nd mortgage with 30 year term, etc.

Best situation is really to get insurance pay out but Mother meant that for me alone. Maybe advance would still be worth doing since it is really debt of estate authorized by heir. I wish I knew how soon I can begin to be reimbursed by estate on bills I've paid though. Do I have to wait the four months required for soliciting debtors to file against estate? Do I have to file? Lawyer can tell me or it's probably in huge packet I have but I've got headaches and body feels all kinds of stress. Need a big break from stress! Need to relax. Stress is distracting me.

Need to figure exactly what I can afford. I'm nearly finished paying student loan so I hate to go into deferment but it might be needed for "breathing room" and I shouldn't cancel my heath care but I might need to because it's $300 per month. I could drop high speed internet too. The most major thing though is that I'll have to move out sometime and that will cost money for rent (presumed). Right now, obviously, I can't pay mortgage and rent both and if I could that would be stupid waste! Stress is not healthy! I hope for good news soon.

Today's mail was boring. Bank statement, phone bill. I'm feeling very tired. I haven't eaten very much today so that's bound to have contributed but I'm feeling disenchanted with life. I might take a nap early this evening.

Tom Cruise.

Ok, yes he's one of those cult members but I just saw he told a GQ interviewer he plans to eat the placenta of Katie Holmes' baby. Sounds totally unbelievable until you go over to the Straight Dope website and see there's such a practice among vegetarians!

What The F---?!

Nervous Day

Well, I stayed in bed late again. At some point the cat decided to climb in the bed next to me and eventually I was nearly out or room. Just as well. I had a teriyaki bowl for brunch. Need to eat more, probably will help my nervousness. I installed the two new fans for the bathrooms this afternoon. It wasn't as easy as just dropping one in but a bit of cleverness and observation and now they're in place. I wish they were quieter but these aren't for me, but for whoever gets the house next.

Need a break for food. Will write more.

HOLY CRAP. It's after 8pm. Brother called and says SIL need to pay Mother's taxes today! $1200! And I'm like OMG. So I ran next door to borrow the software from the neighbor so I can file and pay it today. I really hope I've got enough money to stretch! Taxes are due by midnight. Jeebus. Waiting for SIL to send me the form stuff. :P

I got it done with a couple hours to spare. What a mess. I have no idea how Mother ended up owing that much. That will have to be very carefully scrutinized. I'll be broke soon at this rate of having to pay for so many things. Gah. I'm feeling tired but wanted to chat with the Duckie. He probably won't appear for another hour or two and I'm already struggling with sleep demands. At least my stomach has unknotted itself. The kitty was sleeping in the patio/sunroom the last I knew. Poor thing seems confused.

Brother called about getting an advance on inherited money. The example he was given was to get $10,000, they will charge the estate $17,000! Yes! Their fee is 70%!! That is mafia-sized numbers! Unbelievable. Might be necessary though. There's a lot of uncertainty right now. The taxes had gone up 33% from the last figure I was told instead of down! I think I will sleep. World will go away while I sleep. Very tired. Money is evil. :(

Easter...?

Ok, so I already made a posting today but it vanished somehow. Not even a draft was saved. Whatever.

So today I slept in... no I stayed in bed is more like it. I couldn't decide if I should do any work on Easter Sunday or not. I gave in to temptation. I finished cutting the supports for the wallboard that will cover the old window opening. I got them put in place too. I did battle with a screw here and there that didn't want to sink its teeth into the board but eventually I won out.

It's good that I got that done because I've been a lonesome and depressive today. First major holiday without Mother. No visit with Brother's family either. I ended up calling this evening. The SIL was less than enthused. *sigh* Ok, see I call, she answers I say, "Happy Easter. How are things there?" And she goes, "Anything but happy." So I'm thinking something major happened and then she says it was "Same old thing, different holiday." And I'm thinking "Uhh... holidays mean dead people and ER visits" and she said it was RL problems again. Then I talked at Brother a bit about basically nothing. He gave the phone to the niece a moment and I don't know what she was saying. The call ended soon as the infant barfed on Brother. At least the call got done. Didn't talk to RL because he was in unspecified trouble today. No one said what had happened but the niece wasn't aloud to give him the phone. Anyway the lack of interest in my call was palpable. I had a thought earlier that I now have no family. Wonder where I'd get that idea?

Anyway... I also called neighbor. He seemed glad to get the "Happy Easter" call. His wife was just getting up. It was after 7pm. I know how that goes with stroke patients. It's a dreary situation. He said the hip is feeling better and was going to try forgoing the crutches. He might come over to see how things are coming along tomorrow if he feels up to it. We'll see.

I didn't eat enough yesterday which is probably why my mood was aggressively cynical and depressive. I took some photos today of the work being done and things. I just want to go to bed but it's only 9pm. Now I feel like I ate too much. Whatever. I wasn't really sore today, just a bit stuff. Kitty helped with a massage last night. She's treated me well. She did hide when I got the drill out. Poor thing.

I called Paypal to see if I could stop from paying ebay twice for seller fees but I have to ask ebay to refund instead. They really do force you to use that online chat thing to get ebay help. It's strange and the "t" key wasn't working in their chat window so I sent email instead because they were experiencing a large volume of help requests. Whatever. I have a slight headache tonight. Wonder if I can sneak a nap without the cat sitting on my chest. I wish Mother had been here today. Even a short time. Oh well. Tomorrow a new work week begins, I need to figure what I'll do with myself. The wallboard project will probably be on hold until Brother can appear again because I only got the standard equipment of two arms!

Happy Easter

Subject says it all.

How Sore?

That's the question. Just how sore will I be tomorrow. Today was very busy. Brother was late. He arrived probably around 1pm. We went to the home improvement store and bought wood, drywall... wait. No. I bought those things. So where was I? Ok, got boards, drywall, joint compound (to put where the drywall board meet)... we then got crazy. We went ahead and picked up the 6ft x 8ft (1.8m x 2.4m) french-style doors for the sunroom addition entrance. Well, picked up became literal but first there was a forklift in the way and we needed someone to do that. And we knew we had to rent their truck because the minivan doesn't have that kind of cargo space.

First we went to get the truck. Brother had his license and proof of insurance but his credit card was declined. He knew it was maxed out. Anyway, I provided a card and he got the key and we went back to the doors & windows department. It took awhile but we got someone who could move the forklift to do so. Well, it got moved about a meter and they scattered like mad. These doors, with frame, hinges, etc. already made of wood, aluminum, glass and brass. They are heavy. It was quickly clear we needed another cart so I went out to the parking lot for one because that style, where you can stand up large items, always seem to collect outdoors and never anywhere convenient. There are little plastic handles to help people move these doors already attached to the frame. So how were we going to get the door onto the cart with the forklift just barely moved? So I decided, I'd take point on this and ended up "skateboarding" on the cart. There were moments where I expected life to flash before my eyes.

I'm very less than impressed with the help we got. Anyway, when you rent their truck they're supposed to load your items for you! Oh, anyway, we managed to get our way to checkout. It was after 3pm. So I had hardly eaten at all today, perhaps a good thing considering. I had the last of my blueberry cake. So when it came time to check out I was slide the wrong card so I asked if that could be undone since I knew that account didn't have enough funds. Fine, so I slid a credit card through. And them I'm like... why am I doing that, I have the money in the bank. And since somehow that couldn't be undone--I don't know why--I just put it on the card so she didn't have to void the transaction and start over. It doesn't matter, there's no interest on the card but I have to pay the balance in full so it's almost like doing the debit route. But not. So when that bill comes I'll have to take a deep breath. Should see it next week or so. Anyway we got out of there and headed for the truck. Brother had left the rental paperwork back in the windows & doors area where we got the french doors and went back to get it. Anyway I stood at the truck and looked puzzled when two of the store workers happened by and asked if I needed help loading. I said, "Sure if I can get it." Anyway they loaded the door and dry wall. So in the end they did what as supposed to be part of the truck rental. So finally we got on the road.

Brother backed the truck into the driveway. So we offloaded the materials and got down to just the wallboard and doors. The wallboard wasn't hard to move. It ended up in the house. So what about getting the door set off the truck? I'm thinking, let's grab something and use a ramp. Anyway, brother wanted to try just doing it by hand. We tried but he quickly realized that wasn't going to happen. So then it was time to try my plan. He moved the truck a bit to give us more room and we put two old, unused closet doors along the back as ramps. We then moved the door enough so it would tip and catch the ramps and then guided it down. Piece of cake. Well then we had to put it in the garage for the time being. So we carry it in and then I notice we went backwards, the foot plate was going to be on the side we wanted to lean against. Back out of the garage, turn around and I go in first with the door this time. We put it down and we're good. I only needed one break of a few seconds to give my arm a rest.

Fine. That stuff is inside. Oh, and then I find out Brother is taking a dresser out to the nephew infants birth parents! So I'm like... oh. But first we take the truck back and pick up the minivan. Instead of saying something to me about not having the cash to pay the truck rental he just has it put on my card. Not a problem but I'd have liked to have had a choice since I had the cash on hand. Anyway, I had gone so I could take back the tape measure we didn't need. Brother had grabbed a tape measure in case we needed one while shopping and I didn't even take notice as I was unloading the stuff at checkout. So that was $5 saved. Still, it was some $400 something. Over $500 with the truck rental. There was a moment brother wanted to load up on 'big items' since "we" were renting their truck. I thought about it and I'm like uh... no... I don't want to spend too much out of my pocket right now since I have the mortgage and my bills to keep up and so forth. Besides, we can get those other things any time and if we can't use the van, there's always rental. It would've been $65 to have the french door set delivered vs. $20 for the truck rental. That was a no-brainer. Still, if Brother had his (Mother's) truck working we could've probably used that and saved me $20. Well I say me but it's me who is "loaning" this to the estate which means I'm loaning myself money since it'll end up with me being paid back by the estate which means it's coming out of inheritance. It's all pretty cracked! I keep imagining shifting deck chairs on Titanic.

Where am I? Ok, we found the van and left. Brother forgot where we had parked but I didn't. We made it back to the house. We ended up cutting some of the lumber and putting it in the old window area where we're going to wallboard. We only got part way. By then it was after 7pm and Brother still had to deliver that dresser. So I clean up a bit and we unload the dresser in Mother's bedroom. Actually, this one was Father's dresser and been idle for years. I picked that one because it is smaller and knew it would fit in the van. Mother's still has some things in it and would be *much* harder to move being quite a bit bigger. I got a dolly cart from the garage and wheeled it out. The cat did well, she was under Mother's bed the whole time. I had warned her a couple of times. I think she almost understands some English. Good kitty, that one!

Anyway, out to the van, into the van, he came back in to grab a few things and away he went. I got the clean up the mess. Wasn't a big deal because it's typical of how he leaves the scene. I understood it was well after 7pm. I also let him take that dolly cart (hand truck) with him since he'd be going up stairs. Supposedly the SIL has filed for tax extensions for Mother. Today is the deadline. Why SIL didn't do it a week ago (or more) when she knew she'd be to filing for an extension I don't really know. I should've used the accountant that Mother had used and none of us ever really liked or trusted. At least things would be done, right? Oh well. Just says Mother was right to want me in charge of all this mess. It's almost too bad that didn't get into writing. No, it is too bad.

So it's now 9:40pm. I have eaten a bit and my muscles are starting to stiffen up. I'm tired but not quite ready for bed. Last night I didn't sleep well. My dream was a replay of Mother's last day or so. Today was 2 months. Incredible. I still wish she was here so she could pay for things and be entertained with the destruction and stuff.

Kitty is meowing. It's too early to turn in. I should have something else to eat. Nothing too substantial though. Maybe one of those breakfast milk shakes or something. Or cereal! I'm addicted to cereal. Or getting there.

I have some notion about what to do this coming week. I have replacement bath fans so I'll install those. I'll cut more lumber and maybe--and I mean maybe--try to do the wallboard. Putting up the board might be too unwieldy for one person and I'd hate to ask the neighbor. I need to see how he's doing. Maybe go over Monday evening. Tomorrow being Easter I don't want to intrude. I might leave a card though since Brother didn't take the cards I got for the nepheices. I hadn't filled them out yet.

There are some other things but I'm tired and this entry is long. I will try to remember them and write later.

Miserable Mood

Well it's 11:11pm and I'm feeling a bit miserable in mood. I did basically nothing today. It rained so it wasn't conducive for doing much. I also didn't really have any plans on tap. The mail brought my $15 from jury duty which, of course, ebay has sucked up. Well, that plus the bus fair for my trip down to the court house means a net loss for my troubles.

Not much happening online and haven't watched anything. I did put some more MP3's back on the 'puter. Older stuff that bring a bit of nostalgia. The cat just came in to holler at me for not being in bed. Brother is supposed to come over in the morning so maybe she has a point.

I spent some time on YouTube looking at concert clips last night. I'm glad I didn't go to a Clay Aiken concert at least yet. Didn't seem like much of a show. I think I'm looking forward to Anthony Federov's debut CD more than Clay's new album. It really depends on the song choice. I've seen rumors Anthony's doing some Spanish-language tracks. Well, um... my Spanish is crap (unused for at least a dozen years) and how weird is it for a Ukrainian to compete on American Idol and get a record deal to sing in Spanish? I don't know if I have an opinion on the "internet gay rumors" about Clay except that I wish people would just leave him alone. I just read a statement today that Hispanic actors have a moral duty to speak up for illegal immigrants. It's like those who want to "out" Clay (or anyone) to force them into a public role regardless of their personal feeling.

The house is feeling a bit claustrophobic. Could just be in my head tonight. Is it because tomorrow is two months since Mother passed? That's still not "real" to me. It's like she's off on some holiday and I'm just here playing house with the cat waiting for her to return. Just read a story in another state about a 14 yr old who was tossed from a truck his mom was driving. He hit a poll head on and died, the 10 yr old sister is critical and the mom is a quadriplegic. None had a seat belt and alcohol is suspected. What a waste! I mention the story only because a relative visits a web board I read and the topic was something like "Just in time for Easter" or something. Very cynical. Very me.

Vegas is going to Hawaii with the boyfriend and I just realized tonight how only a month ago he was lamenting his financial situation that he didn't expect pay for the things he wanted! Sets my teeth on edge. I liked him better before he turned vegan. Then buddhist. Then back to omnivore. Then gay. Anyway, I have no idea what his next surprise will be. Maybe he'll announce he wants to be a woman!

He's still down on his mom for immediately embracing the boyfriend thing. Well no shit! You date women into your 30s and then say, "Hi Mom. I'm queer now," it's going to be a shock! His recent email claims he thinks there is "healing" going on. Right. I'm amazed at his intolerance of his parent's faiths and views. It's that whole diva/bitch thing going on that I butted heads with. You know how it went: "Oh, tomorrow you put Mother into the ground, want to go to a tit-bar?" Anyway, you can read the prior posts on that social encounter (no, we didn't go). I don't think it got through to him when I wondered aloud why he came over. To me it completely seemed like he wanted to feel he had done a good thing, something to put on his "good person" resumé. A notch on his belt. Clearly he wasn't here for me. I'm annoyed that I'm still annoyed a month on. Deep cleansing breaths time!

Should get into bed and pet the kitty. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel better about life and living.

Lazy Day

It's been very warm today (mid-high 20'sC). I slept ok last night, woke too early but then dozed off and got up late. I've been mostly lazy. The toilet had stopped up but cleared itself by the time I woke up. That's good, I hate that outhouse odor. Will probably do spackle soon. Nothing worthwhile in mail today either.

It's now coming up to 6pm. I did the spackle work. There was more than I thought but it took less time that I imagined. Kitty is lounging in the added sun room. I'm a bit bored, feel drained too. Need to eat a proper meal. Rain due tomorrow, maybe Saturday too. I can think of some "busy work" for myself this evening but I'm not sure what my plans are. I just feel blah. Food will help with my lack of energy.

I listened to some clips of Idol contestants doing Queen songs. Either those songs are harder to sing than I realized or this season's crop of singers are lacking. Paris started off with a nice vocal tone but she didn't have the vocal power or range to really soar on the chorus. The Hicks guy was pretty good and Leon's favorite wasn't bad but the others I listened to seemed hopeless. Next week it's Rod Stewart week. Mother was a big fan of his.

Gah! I keep forgetting Easter approaches. Normally the army of Brother-SIL plus ankle biters would be over. With Mother gone, I suspect very little chance of a visit or even a holiday dinner invite.

Why Fly When I Can Walk?

So I walked to the home improvement. I flipped a coin to see if I should ask the neighbor first. He happened to pop outside and I asked. He didn't have any spackle any more. Anyway, I first walked to the bank to put in a rebate for estate planning software Mother had purchased. Then I checked the chemist (drug store) to see if they had anything I wanted. I decided I didn't care for their prices and went down to the grocery next. I picked out a couple of Easter cards for the niece and nephew--EEP, I just realized I forgot I have two nephew. Damn. Well, the infant can't read anyway and the adoption's not final right? Uh... yeah, that's it. Anyway. I then grazed around the store and saw many sales. I left the cards by pet food and went on the to home improvement store.

I got the spackle. It was $6 or $7. Then I grabbed a cart in the parking lot and went into the grocery and shopped. I ended up picking up too many items to walk home with. I saved over $40 they claim and just now I saw I had a coupon for $15 off if you spend over $80. Damn it, I could've really made out! I'm such a flake at times. Of course, I'm not used to handling coupons and so forth. Mother did that. At least I shopped smartly but still indulged myself a bit with a deli pre-made salad, for example.

I wasn't even planning to do groceries except that I decided the fridge had too few items or, at least, too little variety. Now I'm better stocked. So how did I get home? I called the neighbor and asked a favor. He came in his pickup and took me home. I was very embarrassed but we were talking food here and like I told him I didn't want to be like everyone else and steal a cart. They even say on the carts that it's against state law to remove from premises but I see it done a lot. But I just couldn't do it. Besides, I'd probably get stopped with my luck or profiled because I'm not the right ethnicity and not sufficiently homeless-looking either! I could've tried to get written permission to take the cart but that was just too weird.

Anyway, it wasn't a big deal but I still felt bad. He said he didn't get his wife up because she had a bad headache so there was no point. I understood and mentioned Father would get headaches too and he mentioned it's usually in an area where she had part of her stroke and I agreed. That was Father's issue. His bad headaches were stroke-related. Found out the neighbor's been having his hip pain for two months! I lightly chastised him that he shouldn't wait so long. Of course we both know how it gets for care-givers and I think it gets worse with older people. Mother, for example, wasn't so quick to get medical attention either (unrelated to her final condition). Anyway, he's been using those crutches and was expecting his to be delivered today (I don't think they were). Those are old and not so comfortable being wood with no padding but they do the job. He'll enjoy the new ones of the light aluminum, padding and so forth. He said he didn't sleep well because he skipped pain meds before bed. Ugh. Well, hopefully he'll go easy on himself as best as he's able. I'll keep an eye out as much as I can. At least his grandson seems to be on spring break--he was over there today.

Tonight I've been battling ebay which says my bank refused to let them deduct fees from my account. No idea WTF is going on. The account was verified, there's sufficient funds... no one else has had a problem getting paid that way. What makes ebay such a difficult prick? Anyway I've tried paying again from the same account. ebay've already assessed me a $15 return fee--the bastards. I hate the website because organization is terrible. I couldn't find the bank account info on ebay, and when I want to pay the fees it sends me to paypal! It's impossible to find contact info if you want to actually call tech support. I'm not going to sit online and "chat" with a tech. My ebay experience has been crap between how hard it was for me to get signed up and things organized to the fees, to battling paypal to work and now this problem? And to think just last night I was considering putting more items up on ebay! Cripes, I don't know if I have any spare mental fortitude to battle with it again. Anyway, that's had been annoying. I've been annoyed a bit today with outside things: ebay, message board idiots, voters...

I want to eat. I've had cereal, some blueberry cake, a frozen dinner and just had a strawberry preserves sandwich. I actually want cereal again! I probably want something crunchy anyway to work out my stress. I didn't do the spackle work. Better to do when it's light outside than to waste electricity on it. I had considered painting the fence but the pain says I have to wash the fence with soap and water and let it dry first. Well, fine but if it's going to rain Friday, I don't want to take that up tomorrow! It also says not to paint in the direct sun too. Whatever!

I slept OK last night, fairly rested. I had the most fantastic dream. I mean that as in it was so unlike me or any dream I've had. I'll write about it if I'm sure I won't forget the dream. That happens a lot. I'll write about a dream and then I'll be unable to recall it further. If there's ever been a dream I'd like to have a recording of it was that one.

Why Can't I Fly?

I wish I could fly. I need some spackle stuff and don't want to walk all the way to the home improvement store and I don't know when Brother will be coming over to pick up Father's old dresser. I guess that's going to the birth parents of the infant nephew because they are poor and have nothing to put clothes in.

I stayed in bed a bit later than I planned but my back ached. I realize it's because I had to move one of the big glass doors yesterday. Anyway, today wasn't completely wasted. I brought up the bins, mowed the lawn, put out the last of the grass seed and sprayed for evil weeds. I also changed the cat box. I need to give the fish some fresher water soon.

Kitty has been a bit dejected, not sure what's up. Maybe it's all the construction... err destruction... noise that has her unsettled. Poor thing! I must remember to give her more petting tonight. Right now she's on Mother's bed. Still waiting for her to return I guess. :/ I'm having a chocolate milk thing as a change. Not been enjoying my meal choices today. I had a chicken and fried rice bowl, cereal and two hot dogs. I was out of buns and didn't realize it so I used slices of wheat bread. It was sufficient. I hated opening the block of cheese. Mother wasn't here to share. In fact there are still some ghosts in the kitchen: food products that are Mother's. It unsettled me so I'm in here blogging for a bit.

I was thinking of going out tonight to the home improvement place and maybe bring back a few grocery items but I'm not sure what I'd get that I can reasonably carry. Much laziness! Better to go during daylight. Also this week is "spring break" for most government schools which dampens my enthusiasm for a night walk. I should do laundry. Maybe I will if I don't turn in early. So long as I can distract myself with tasks I'm doing OK mentally. It's when I get idle or when I see reminders like food for Mother that my mood depresses. Not sure what I'll do with myself tomorrow other than going to get spackle stuff so I can fix walls where the paneling was. Nothing heard from the insurance investigator. I hope no news is good news.

Short Day

I'm tired. It's after 10pm. I got about 8 hours in bed but my back is tired and my fingers too. Today I took out the window sill. I got the frame for the sliding door cut. I broke three blades doing it too. I was going to patch the nail holes left by the paneling but the spackle was dried out so I didn't do more tonight. Still, I got some things done today. The bins are out. I didn't change the cat box. I'll do that tomorrow. I hope she won't mind, I'm just too drained. I finished all my blueberry muffins. Maybe I'll have cereal before bed. Must get rested. I even found Mother's old wooden crutches that I took next door for the neighbor to use until he gets some of his own. He's still favoring his hip so he wanted to try using crutches in the house. He thinks he's injured it lifting his wife. I hate to see him like that. I joked that he better not need a hip replacement. Anyway, I noticed he has his grandson over there. I don't know if it's spring break for him or not. RL has spring break this week. Maybe I don't want cereal. I'm too lazy to fix it. Much too tired. Going to sleep now!

Useful Weekend!

So Brother was late Saturday but that was no big deal. He showed up, we got things accomplished! We took out the 8 foot glass sliding patio door. I carried the heavy door on my back--Duckie would be proud! It took awhile to get the track and casing out especially on the north side because wallboard has been nailed through the casing. Father used huge 3 inch nails.

I took a bit of a break and Brother began filling in concrete where a gap existed between the house foundation and the sunroom add-on foundation. I filled concrete too; I like that. It's fun, like frosting a cake but with fewer calories! What next? We then decided to attack the "eye-sore" in the dining. It used to be a window to the back yard but the sun room blocked it. Father put up wallboard, "distressed mirror" and shelves. It had been a long time but it came apart much like I remember it going up: lots of brute force. There were a couple of points where it became too much or too dangerous (I would've broken a window swinging the hammer) so Brother decided it was a good idea to cut instead. I let him do that because he wanted to use the reciprocating saw which is not my favorite power tool. These are saws they use to cut roofs off of cars. Anyway, it did the job and were got the shelves out. Next Brother wondered if we should be brave and take down paneling. Now you have to know that in America, in the 1970's, paneling on your walls was a big fad. Father used lots in the public areas of the house. But we'd been lead to believe that he used glue and nails meaning we would have nothing left but the "bones" of the wall, the studs and joists and have to put up new sheet rock / wallboard. And, of course, we'd have a mess in doing demolition. Father thought he used glue everywhere and so did Mother.

Guess what!? That wall did not have glue! Only nails! I was rolling with glee. Money and torment saved! The original walls are in pretty good shape considering they've not seen any light for 30 years. I have the nail holes to patch and of course they'll need painting but that's in pretty good shape. Do need wallboard to fill in the old window area so it matches the wall, though. That is project for another day, a day when I have ability to transport the sheets to the house! I could beg neighbor for truck or wait for brother to bring van since Mother's truck is still not fixed. I slept pretty well considering. I did stay up too late but that meant I could finally chat with Duckie. He hides offline too much! I suspect I'm on block but he won't admit! (kidding)

Got up at an OK time, before 9:30am. Cut down old paneling for trash bin. Still have to cut the aluminum casement of the old patio door. I was too lazy to do it by hand this morning. Will probably use reciprocating saw. I would recycle but city says "no scrap metal" on pamphlet! Waste of aluminum! Oh well. Not much else done today besides eating and some talking with neighbor. He came over and looked at progress and offered ideas. Kitty did some hiding today but stopped when I told her, "no guests today." I think she understands my words!

I wish Mother had been here to see the paneling come off. It was evil!! When put up it was very dark stain, almost black which made the house seem dark. When I was at uni, Mother painted it white which sort of helped but the paneling was very rough texture and not good looking. When Father died she and I painted it green. We'd have taken it down if we knew we could! Of course, that's just one wall which doesn't use a full panel just smaller cut pieces. Other walls may have glue. Will take it out of dining if there is no glue, only nails. That will make big difference. I'm excited looking at it. I wanted Mother to let me try this before but she wasn't ready for what she feared would be evil, hard project. Instead it only took a few hours. Brother had glee too! Was best surprise all month?

More later.

Friday Happened.

It's now Saturday, 1am. I'm going to bed. Brother claims he'll be here "late morning" but I won't hold my breath.

Nothing of note happened Friday.

Tired But Awake

So I napped for like 6 hours. I'm awake, still tired. Never did get a meal so I have a blueberry muffin at hand now while I see if anyone Down Under will be online to chat. I'm still tired. Yes, I said it already but it's worth repeating. I feel like I've been in a clothes dryer! Kitty stayed with me just for a short time to 'put me to bed' and then left to investigate a noise. She's probably on Mother's bed.

I hope I don't have to stay long today; I don't want to go buy lunch. I'm surprised I'm still wanted there as it is. I get $15 for my trouble. It used to be $5! Still wish Mother were here, she could drop me off at the bus stop! It would save wear on my knees.

It's now quarter to 7. No duckie online again. I want to go back to bed but can't. Grrr. I'll be glad when I come back today and can rest properly. Going to have a meal and then it's off to the bus stop. No rain scheduled for today.

11:30am now. I'm back. It took about 30-40 minutes to get the final jury panel. They never did get to me. I was the first to arrive this morning, at around 8:20. My right food seems to have a callous or something now but I guess I'm none the worse for wear. Kitty is in my window and said hello. Still wish Mother were here. I wonder how long that'll annoy me. Probably at least as long as I'm in this house. I'm still tired but should have a proper meal. Either salad or a sandwich. I'll probably have both today anyway, just unclear on the order. I guess the sandwich is less effort. I didn't have that meal I'd considered before going to the bus stop. I have no idea what I plan to do with my day now that I'm back.

The Wheels Of Justice Grind Slowly

Ok, so I got up after 2am so I'd be awake and ready enough to make the bus. Well, it happens that I missed the bus. Twice. Yes! Imagine my surprise. How did it happen, did I doze off? Nope. I was at the bus stop. Well, I thought it was the bus stop. It had the bus route number posted but it seems the bus picked up its passengers in a different place while still claiming to use that corner. Anyway, I finally got on the bus which itself was running a bit behind. I got to the court late but early enough to still hear the same lame humor from the presiding judge. Lucky me. So I sat, and sat. While they do call two groups of people to court rooms many of us just got to sit except for when we got our 20 minute mid-morning break which, predictably, involved sitting some more.

I see Good Morning America. I see The Tony Danza Show. I watch The View. I see the local 11am news. What's this? It's time for lunch! Return by 1:15pm because there are courts which might still want to seat juries today. I check the "food court" in the building and can't believe it's $5 and up for a 6" sub. I'm not paying that. I walk to Wendy's (hamburgers). The rain starts. I get my burger and go all out and even get cheese. Exciting life, no? Not about to go through the same problem as this morning, I walk a few more blocks to see if I have correctly concluded where the afternoon bus will appear to pick me up. Making note I seem to be right, I go back to the juror lounge and wait. Oh, joy! Someone's put on the daytime soap "One Life To Live." I watch anyway. 1:15 comes and goes. It's about 1:40 pm and they call another group. Woo-hoo, I'm in the group! It's off to the next building which means going four floors up and taking the bridge. And walking until you reach the ends of the Earth. Or nearly. What do we do? We wait outside! And wait. Eventually we're called in one by one, not as a pack as happened other times I've been in this process. We hear the usuals things, get sworn, a prelim question is asked. Some people need to be talked to one at a time because on their answer. I was one of those people. In fact, I end up being the next to last talked to as we stand in the hall as each person is brought in one by one and I was one of three not dismissed. We get done and wait further. 3pm comes and we are brought back. Another round of questions. One by one we go through the process of answering standardized questions.

Anyway, the judge calls it quits at 4:30pm meaning we get to come back tomorrow at 9am to continue the process of selecting a jury panel. So much for "one day/one case" really. At least having to return tomorrow means I'll get $15 whether I end up on the panel or not. The first day is all on you and since I paid for my bus trip to the court house, I actually paid in order to sit numbed out of my mind. So we got out and I'm like... well if I hurry, I can get the next bus which is supposed to arrive in 5 minutes. I walk four blocks and wait. The bus turns out to be running late but I'm never so glad to see it. I had gotten a free voucher for a bus ride but you have to scratch off the time and date used. I use my finger, a pen... the thing fights me. It was mauled good enough for the driver and I made it to the back of the bus. My head was throbbing. My eyes ached. I wished Mother would be home so I could share my day. Of course I realize that isn't going to be; wasn't depressing just worth a mental note about only have the cat to talk to and the blog and neighbor. I got off the bus where I had thought the bus was going to pick me up this morning and walked back to the house. The kitty was hiding when I came in but soon made herself known.

This morning, in the rain, walking to the bus stop I took a short cut and walked passed a homeless guy wrapped up, head covered, in a blanket. This afternoon he wasn't there but his blanket was neatly folded; I guess that's his spot. I'm not sure if I'll go that way tomorrow morning or not. It's not as convenient a shortcut given the actual pick up point but is good for the afternoon. Tomorrow I expect I'll not be picked for the panel. They have to eliminate a lot of people to get to me. Dozens in fact. I'll probably be thanked by the court for doing my duty and told to go home. Probably by mid-day which means no express bus for me. I'll have to take the hour long ride that goes all over the place. I'm very tired. Could sleep but I'm hungry. Will probably have a meal, might nap. How about just a nap. Ugh. More later.

It's Unnatural!

So I'm awake well before dawn. Got up during the 2am hour. It's now 5:20am. Feels so unnatural to be awake like this. Going to bed now, I could feel right at home doing. It's dark, fortunately not raining and hopefully won't during my walk to the bus stop.

Brother emailed saying the infant got shots Tues, the niece is still sick and he's still sick. Fun. The realtor guy Brother wants to use thinks the "murder house" (for those who don't remember yesterday's entry there's a house on the market here where murder took place) won't have any impact on market value. Time will tell I guess.

They tell you there's a lot of waiting around during jury duty. There is! It's terribly boring while you wait to see if you've been picked for a case but I don't know what I want to take with me. The orientation has always included the same jokes. Maybe there's finally new material! I can live in hope, right? I'm not eager to get a case, just eager to get checked in, get called to a court room, get rejected and best case I'll go for reassignment and told I'm not needed and then can go wait for a bus so I can get back here to my bunker and hide out from the world. Since I was on a jury that 'hung' (no verdict reached) I doubt I'll get put on a case unless someone is desperate for jurors. I'll be leaving in less than an hour. I think I'll log off and figure out what I want to take with me. Wish me well and no muggings on public transit!

HA!

So I got an email from Brother that he can't make it today saying it will have to be tomorrow. Great, maybe he'll take me to jury duty! (HA-HA!) There's been no rain yet. It's pretty warm and dry but rain due tonight now and, of course, tomorrow. It is not even 1pm.

Rain has started. It's about 5pm now. I took time to shred stuff. That's pretty depressing as I go through all the old documents and see my screw ups or just reminders. I did find the check thing where I paid for Brother & SIL's rent! Maybe when house sells I can get paid back? Mother was very upset when I told her I had paid rent. Of course, she had said 'no' to paying (couldn't afford) and Father had been secretly paying their rent for months (he borrowed the money) and had said, "No more!," which is why they called me while I was a uni student. It was almost $500. I did get paid back some over the years from Brother, about $100 worth.

Got email from a realtor we've known ages. Competing house coming on market! Scene of murder. Not sure if it'll screw up fair market value or not. Sent email to Brother's realtor guy for his opinion.

Will try to be in bed and sleeping within an hour. It's very early but I have to get up early and want to be sure I'm functioning when I stumbled off to the bus stop and into jury duty. Today is weird.

So I Didn't Go...

I didn't get up and do jury duty two days early. I didn't get much sleep and it's just as well, Brother's bug seems to have hit me today a bit. As I've said before, "An empty colon is a happy colon." It's almost 3pm so I should get around to finally eating something.

I made a call to check on one outstanding claim and got good news, that account insurance has paid in full. It was anticipated, yes, but there's nothing like those words after a overly dramatic pause as the rep. is looking up the benefit. Of course I was thinking during the muzak, "Please don't be an Accidental Death policy." Because a few of them have been including still another policy I found recently that was on Father. Useless now, sure, but worth noting how many items of debt were insured. All things considered this is going down relatively well so far even if not entirely smoothly. The stress is hideous, the unknowns are mind numbing but for a brief moment today, finding that account is now paid, I felt as if I were in the calm eye of the storm.

It's 4:30 now, and a written notice came confirming what the call had revealed. For some reason seeing it in writing didn't spawn the same excitement. Drat. Had a blueberry muffin, changed the cat box and put out two of three bins. Will need something more for dinner. Perhaps I'll do chili again since rain is expected. Seems jury day, Wednesday, is not 60% chance of rain and tomorrow thunderstorms possible. Fun! I think I'll try a nap tonight and stay up from the very early hours so get on a schedule best suited for Wednesday's trek.

It's 10:15pm. I tired napping early, about two hours ago. Couldn't. I was a bit restless. Got up, put out last trash bin and seeded neighbor bin with old newspapers for recycling. Fed fish. Washed up a bit. I feel ok. Sometimes I just have to get in bed and let the mind wander to center itself. I have an impulse, if large policy pays, to move quickly and tell brother to 'finish house'! :D Ideally I'll find employment that I can walk to (or carpool, that's ok) and a nearby grocery so I have the basics within reasonable distance. Night employment is good; I enjoy the night.

So Is This Where I Scream?

So Brother didn't show up this morning. I called. He was still sleeping. The niece is sick, the infant is having trouble keeping down his formula. The SIL whined about not getting enough sleep. Boo-hoo, this is the joys of motherhood! So he called me at noon, said he knew he was running late but thought clock change was tonight when it was this morning. Then he's like what are we going to do and I'm like depends on what kind of time you have. And so he just wants to putter around in the garage and take me to get groceries. Wow. So he talked to a guy about scraping the "popcorn/cottage cheese" texture off the ceiling and he'll do it $300/room. That'll be two thousand but he can do it all in one or two days. So Brother's like for that kind of money I'd just leave it alone or do it myself and I'm like I don't mind paying it's having the funds and so I ask it depends on what kind of money you have to invest in the project and he's like "I got nothing." Nice. I'm not only managing the estate's affairs, I am the estates temporary bankroll plus trying to keep my own self from drowning plus doing the clean up and handiwork. GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY!

So he did show up just after 1pm. We went out and I deposited a check for the estate and then got the money back for the stuff Vegas made me reimburse him for. Of course I gave him $20 and only got the $18-and-change so he still won out. Fine, water under the bridge. We then did the grocery thing. Another $100 worth a food should keep me going for two or three weeks. I wish Mother were here. The grocery shopping is the most morbid of all the things I've been doing because she was always doing the shopping and I was along to fetch items, pack the car, etc. I *hate* shopping for myself, especially in "our" favorite grocery store. I got in and got out as quickly as reasonable. She and I could take an hour grazing, trying to decide if we wanted to try something new, etc. This is just fucked.

So brother had diarrhea today. Eventually I had to fetch a change of jeans from the car. He's been here at the house, at the home improvement, and at least twice more at the house too. I cleaned the toilet after he left. He did get some things cleared in the garage: his old car parts. He actually still hasn't emptied the trunk of the car since last weekend so he couldn't take more things with him. He says he'll come Tuesday for a short time. I might try to take care of that business myself and wave him off. We did talk about the fiscal burden. He says if the insurance doesn't pay than to sell the car for money. Makes sense. I think I might consider "lying" to him if they do happen to pay out and just say I have made the money which is going to pay for mortgage or other things. Better to make him sweat than to put everything on me thinking I'm made of money. He says I should not expect the truck will be working in time for it to be used at all during this process. I say he should sell truck!

I am going to declare an 'end' to the paper sorting. I think all I have now is to go back and do shredding of items set aside for that. We found our original sets of Star Wars figures in the garage. They were in a garbage bag, still in their "Vader" cases and hidden under a shelving unit. It was definitely a surprise! We believed they had been thrown out or given away more than 10 years ago after I left for uni. It was a cool surprise though. Really it's the only thing "exciting" found. I don't know why I took it that way. He was very understated. I asked what was in the bag and he said, "You're going to be surprised." I was! Mother had denied throwing them out or getting rid of them. Seems Mother was not untruthful! In my teen and early adult years I was always skeptical but I'm paranoid, as Father said and he would know from crazy! HA! Leon returns from Tokyo! That is good, one more person to chat with. I still have missed chatting with the Duckie though.

Ok, it's nearing 11pm. I'm feeling tired but maybe because I'm due food or maybe just because I'm tired. I can't tell any more. I want to get up early tomorrow and attempt to get jury duty done and over with. That means awake at 5am probably and walking to the bus stop hoping I don't get mugged or ran over in the dark. Fun! Went to the neighbors this evening. We watched a couple episodes of Cold Case which I haven't seen in many months if I saw it at all this season; it's not a bad show it's just not one I remembered was on TV. I seemed to be the only one able to follow the twists but between the stroke patient and her husband always up doing errands for his wife, I guess I didn't have a lot of competition on the attention meter. She asked if I'd heard from Mother yet and I said not lately. She thinks Mother is traveling. What a cruel thing life can be. Ugh, I'm hungry again but I had two hot dogs and a blueberry muffin today and that's all. Maybe I'll do yogurt tonight and cereal in the morning. I'll need to take a few things from my wallet if I'm going on public transit.

Need to think of new ways to raise funds for the coming months. Good night! Must remember to put out bins tomorrow evening (rain is possible--again!!) and change cat box.

Another Weekend

So tonight ends regular time here. I have to change the clocks but I think I'll hold off until tomorrow. Got to install that new thermostat so why have to set the clocks twice, right? Anyway, that's one idea. Or maybe I'll change them anyway. I felt fabulous at 5am. Like a fool I didn't get up then, instead I went back to sleep and when I did wake up again I felt like I'd be rolled down a hill. Been a tough day on me, been feeling dark and moody. While I felt better this afternoon, I'm still having a rough time. I am missing Mother, I'm tired of the cat in my bed, trying to mull what point I have to my life any longer, whether Brother's bringing the nephew tomorrow, what to put on the agenda tomorrow... It's probably just stupid cynicism and fear of the adversity coming in a month or so. Adversity because I'm sure the insurance won't pay so obviously all I see is a featureless, inky void ahead.

I really need a resolution to the insurance case. Duckie's comment yesterday did have a point about getting an outside job. That could be both mentally beneficial and offer some income but it'll definitely slow progress on the house sale preparations. Can't afford that if we plan to make a May date. Must talk with Brother about that, get his notions on a backup plan.

I can't help but wish Mother were still here so I could avoid this circumstance. My head feels like it's being squeezed like a pimple. Grrr. Must find a diplomatic way to get my Brother to be more involved in this house preparation. I'm feeling burned out and used, even used up. I wondered what the least impactful method of putting myself out of my misery was... perhaps throwing myself under a train? I need a respite. Will try to do jury duty on Monday if weather is good. Not expected until Wednesday--me at jury duty, not the rain. I so want to scream. Missed Duckie online by minutes while I was making food. *SIGH*

I guess there is going to be a sequel to the first "Eating Out" (why!?) but what are the chances they'll get Ryan Carnes back now that he's in "Desperate Housewives" as Andrew's boyfriend? Been listening to some music tonight. It's helped with my general mood some. Wish me a good night's sleep or maybe that the cat smothers me with a pillow!