Nerves

I feel nervous today. Got up about 9am, it's 15 until 1 now. I had breakfast (mac & cheese). The frozen meal I was going to have said "best by Mar 2005" on the box. I was annoyed. It's the third item I've seen like that. Mother had said we should clean out the freezer because there were probably 'old' things. Must do groceries in the next few days. I'm getting very low on things which are mine or neutral. There are some things, like Mother's crab cakes, I'm avoiding since I don't eat shell fish and don't know even if I'm allergic. There are some other things with caramelized onions that I best not try since I do have a problem history with onions.

I paid the broadband bill early so I'll be able to blog. I do wonder why I'm nervous. Is it impending doom meeting with the lawyer tomorrow? Fear something's not being addressed? I hate the unknown which means I'm uncomfortable not knowing what's going on with the things I left to my brother. I called his cell but there was no answer. Maybe he's getting the car--Ha! Another newspaper came today which now makes three weeks of free, unwanted, deliveries.

I felt a jumbled mess thinking about Mother's pain, how we should've gone to the ER rather than going through the usual care clinic, how doing the 'right' thing (didn't seem an ER situation) likely cost her life. The ER could've sent her for a CT while she was still strong enough to respond to antibiotics to fight infection and perhaps make it through surgery. Even if she was lost under those circumstances, I'd have known she'd had a fighting chance. Instead, discovery came too late. I feel like I let her down; I was fooled. Her back pain seemed to respond to heat and sitting up. The pain meds masked the fever, and thus clear sign of infection. Since she was on two antibiotics for the pneumonia she didn't have, that probably kept the septic infection and thus symptoms in check! Back on Feb 1, the P.A. (physician's assistant) told me if she looked worse, she goes to the ER. Great!

Unfortunately, she looked better on the antibiotics, began resuming her normal activities and thus my guard was let down. So far as I know, her blood pressure was not abnormal for her until that final day. She checked it weekly and I had her check it that day for my own peace of mind. I don't recall what the clinic saw, but do remember the doctor took another reading which is unusual.

I don't believe it's coincidental that she died five days after completing her antibiotics. Then she *was* beginning to look worse, a bit ashen, and obviously she asked to go to the ER that evening. Her feet and ankles had swollen a bit in the prior two days. When when we took her to the ER her feet were looking purple-ish, a sign there wasn't enough oxygen getting to them. No surprise to me since she was complaining having shortness of breath; coloration of her feet improved over the hour when she was put on oxygen. This was the first day there was a hint of fever and I was checking every several hours to be sure. I still remember the doctor remarking he was surprised at the 'size' of the problem and the surgeon saying once they opened her up, they may just have to close without being able to do anything other than maker her comfortable. I know the surgeon said this was one of the most difficult diagnosis for them to make even though they see it. But a CT is conclusive in over 95% of cases.

To have survived that kind of illness as long as she did tells me she was in strong shape for her age. Probably could've come through the surgery had there been ample time for it and controlled infection. I guess this makes me a bit angry, a bit 'insane', to know there was a literal time bomb, a countdown to death and I wasn't aware. It's as if she were already "dead" and neither she nor I realized it. It boggles my mind. It's foundation shaking. I feel less nervous having ranted about this. I think it was just getting under my skin.

Some kind of clear warning would've been welcomed. If it has been abdominal, not back pain, it would've been an easy move making an ER trip two weeks earlier a no-brainer and possibly different outcome. Back in 2002, I was at the same ER for several abdominal pain after having been to the urgent care clinic which treated me for "diverticulitis." I ended up back at the same ER some days later due to the allergic reaction to the antibiotic Septra where that ER doctor literally took a guess and said it was the sulfa drug Septra, not the other antibiotic, causing the allergic reaction. He didn't like my skepticism but I was the one with blood pressure in the 90's, fighting confusion, a rash, itching, swelling all over, fever, in ability to sleep, etc. He turned out to be right, though. That's when I found out my brother was also allergic to sulfa drugs!

No inflammation appeared in the CT and no diverticuli were noted on my later colonoscopy. I did get better, though. Within a year I changed my diet and haven't had a problem. I was trying to have too little fat in my diet, didn't have enough liquids, and the recommendation of using a fiber supplement had only made things much worse.

I think that's something that has me spun-around too: my own intestinal problem experience and how it both punctuated the start of the "end era" for Father and somewhat mirrored Mother's own fate. That would creep out most people, I think. Oy, been blogging almost an hour. Time for me to go through things out.

It's 5:30pm. I haven't thrown things out. Instead I wrote up a summary of the activities taken on the estate's accounts and recreated some blueprints of the house so I can estimate how much paint is needed and how much carpet there is to purchase. I know the realtor suggested replacing all the carpet with one color but damn it, that living and dining carpet is just three years old! Not sure what I'll eat for dinner. I'm running low on options. Maybe I'll see how the "bagel dogs" cook. Took it easy today because I'm stiff from all of yesterday's hauling of heavy items and wanted to get ready for the lawyer meeting tomorrow morning.

I think today is Kiwi's exodus to Melbourne, Aus. from New Zealand. Air NZ has roundtrip(!) U.S. to NZ-and-Aus flights for $800 but I have to be able to book/pay by this Sunday, the 12th. That's not going to happen. It's getting chilly. Showers expected tomorrow and rain, though not thunderstorms, on Saturday.