End of the Week

Well it's Friday. Rain due tonight. I feel like someone was trying to suck my brain out my neck while I slept last night. I had a dream about... something. Wasn't interesting enough to remember right now, certainly not erotic.

Went next door for a couple hours last evening. The neighbor gave his wife one of those toaster pastries. After he asked her, "Could you taste it?" A nod yes came. "What did it taste like?" "Sausage!," was the reply. And he said, "Maybe more like apple?" A nod yes came. And he tells her it had been apple and cinnamon. Nothing new to me, I'd seen this kind of confusion with my own father. Later she blurted out, "Why don't you go home!," to me. This hadn't happened before. She was tired and wanted to go to bed. I understood; I'd see this kind of behavior before. She sleeps about 16 hours a day now. You don't want a major stroke, or series of them for that matter. Your brain gets scrambled. You're may be better off dying from it than arresting the death process if only because surviving a major stroke leaves you in a very undignified state. She'll only be 65 next month. She hasn't yet reached the level of dementia my father did where words became replaced with hand motions and cross looks. I hope she doesn't. Modern medicine can be inhumane where it halts death but leaves you just barely alive such as the Florida case from last year of Terri Shiavo. Her autonomic functions continued for years but she was effectively dead, being fed by machine, brain reduced massively as the dead tissue atrophied. It's 15 until 10am. I was just reading the Shiavo autopsy. Oy! I don't know if I want to read that kind of detail about Mother although I'm expecting a copy of her autopsy. Sometimes it better to be ignorant.

I'm going to call the investigator's cell again; maybe try the office number too. Leave messages if necessary. Not sure what I hope to accomplish today. I'll have time to decide that while I'm finishing breakfast.

Well it's 15 until 2pm now. I finally got ahold of the investigator. She's sent the paper work to the medical provider who I then called and left a message. I did get a call back there. She hasn't gotten the paperwork yet and, as I suspected, since Brother's name is on the death certificate (because he paid for the cremation) he might have to authorize. Or both. Or neither. Depends on exactly what the insurance company has sent. It'll take 8-10 days for the records request to be processed. So I'll probably not know anything until the end of April when the insurance company will laugh at me and tell me to go away. Called brother around noon, SIL said he could get up in 'an hour' which he might've but he hasn't called yet. I want to find out his plan for the weekend. I'm so very tired today. Had two bowls of chili from the grocery deli for lunch. The cat seems bored. I don't blame her one bit. There was already a small shower today. I wish it was sunny outside. I go out, I find I'm uncomfortable and come back in only to think I should go outside! Ugh. I think I'm getting "cabin fever" a bit.

After 4pm still no call back from Brother. I'm shocked! (As if!) Feeling really down. Unclear why but I am feeling a sudden push of wishing Mother was here. I'd like to scream with annoyance but it would do no good. I want to hide in bed with the kitty. *sigh* :(

It's about 5:30pm. I finally heard from Brother for a couple minutes. He had the day off. Didn't seem interested in anything I had to say in part because he had a guest in the house and was watching the baby nephew. Anyway, when he hung up to go discipline the niece I was just a little annoyed. WTF did he call? I'm sick of this shit and doing all this work at the house. I was *thrilled* (bullsh!t) to hear him say he hadn't even given a thought to coming over this weekend. WTF!? I want to bang my head on something sharp now.

Not yet 9pm. No idea how I managed to distract myself for these past three hours or so. I've been snacking on crackers. I took out the wrong ones. These are mother's multigrain ones. I wanted just saltines. Will probably have a yogurt in a bit. Brother emailed that he's supposed to come out Sunday. I need to be emphatic but polite: I can't do all this alone, it isn't fair nor is it healthy for me. I wish someone would wake me up from all this. It's a great annoyance!

Another Assembly Line Day...Zzz

Last night I was cleaning out an old notebook and found some family history info so I typed that up for the SIL and went to bed probably at midnight. Well, I got up probably around 9, maybe a bit later. Nothing from the insurance investigator still. Strange I think. I've done little all day except organize and sort through bags and boxes of items. I found some old drawings, sorted this room some more. It's interminably dull but I could be done with all that this week! Paid the internet bill early. Nothing new in the mail otherwise. Nothing in email either. I did see the neighbor this morning. He was coming back from a quick errand. I was investigating the petrol door open on a car parked on the street. He said he found it that way when he came out. There was no cap either. Oh well, it's not our problem. Car belongs to another neighbor's daughter. Damn it. I'm sneezing a lot suddenly; stirred up dust again! Supposed to rain AGAIN this weekend. That's a pain in the hairy bum! Anyway, I haven't found anything exciting. Money would be exciting. A gateway to Aus would be exciting.

OK, I wandered over to Arstechnica and suddenly my day isn't so borring. I give you the iGoatse iPod skin. If you don't know what "goatse" is, you're better off that way!

Boring Day (So Far)

So it finally did rain, last night and earlier this morning. I swear they have no clue what's going to happen despite billions in technology. The best bet is to go outside, sniff and look around. You can often 'feel' or 'smell' when rain is coming. Anyway, that's supposed to be over for another week. We'll see.

Today's not had much excitement, just some shredding, some sorting and taking out trash. Still no call back from the insurance investigator. Kind of bizarre, really. What else? Not much comes to mind. Heating up some Salisbury steak for my mid-afternoon meal. The house is starting to close in upon me a bit despite the extra space I've made. I'm still waiting for Mother's return. Or something. Had a 'sexy' dream which is extremely unusual for me. I've had less than a dozen that I can recall. Now, there wasn't sex but it was friendly. Even more unusual, I was a directly involved character which has happened about two other times. Clearly this dream reflects my desires mentioned in the blog yesterday. Some intimate / hanging out time.

The cat seems depressed; actually she is looking depressed and that's just sad. I don't know what else I can offer her. At least the sun beams came out today to warm her aging bones.

3:20pm, boring mail; it was all ads.

Here's The Real Tuesday Post...

Now that I got Monday caught up, it's Tuesday, still just about 5pm. I forced myself from bed and didn't eat until mid afternoon. I had a beef-noodle-veggie bowl thing and just had one of those meat-cheese pastry things. Will need to eat more later.

I got email back from the estate lawyer on the stock and made a couple calls on that because it was still listed in both parent's names. Now we're talking one share. ONE. O-N-E. Why Mother kept one single share still around, I have no idea. I didn't trust the information from the first customer service agent. She was black but that had nothing to do with it. She was just so vague and this was too important so I called again. Talked to some guy who obviously had done this before and was very clear, step-by-step. He didn't contradict the woman but definitely filled in the gaps. I downloaded the forms and have to wait for the court in mid-May. Don't have to go to that appointment; might or might not. It's way the hell downtown in the mid-afternoon. I've got maybe six weeks before I have to decide.

The cat seems depressed. I could use some cuddle time or just 'hanging out' time. Something away from the situation.

If I Didn't See It Before...

...was it really there before now? I found the ziploc bag with the cancelled cards. It was among the estate bills and things. I'd looked there multiple times for them before now and while trying to locate the home improvement receipt for things Vegas demanded I pay for, I found the cards. I think I need to lose something else so maybe I can find that receipt!

I have the moulding one where I expected it would be... I emailed Vegas asking, "are you sure you actually gave me your receipt...?" and his reply included a tip where he last saw the reciept which is exactly where the thing was still sitting: in the garage on an end table under a dead monitor and laptop. No wonder I couldn't find it. Ugh. The only thing 'missing' now are my grandmother's graduation ring (which I've seen in the past week, probably in my dresser since it had been kept there since she passed away) and my life insurance policy which I've also seen; it's probably in the box next to my bed. The rain has come late but seems to finally have begun. It's almost 5pm Tuesday.

Back to Monday... there's an old cliche about being so busy you meet yourself coming in the front door. I think I've about reached that level. Today (Monday) it's off to the post office, the bank (will deposit laptop check) and competing home improvement store as well as call the insurance rep to find out of the medical records request was faxed and where I'll need to go to personally authorize and another call to a probate department to find out how to get a net credit on a closed account disbused as a check. Amazing these things aren't automatic! IT is crap. This is the 21st century, dang it. I called and the net credit will be sent in the next 7-10 days. Of course it'll be in Mother's name so it'll get deposited in her account.

Mother's gotten offers for more credit, more business and so forth even from entities which know she's already passed on. How mind numbing! It seems like some companies never share date across departments because there's always another number to fax a death certificate to. Incredible how archaic processes of some business is, especially the business of being dead. You would think they never deal with a deceased customer.

On the plus side, the addition / sun room has nearly been completely shaped up although I've still got plenty to sort for trash and shredding. I need to work on that a lot so I get maximum use out of my bins. Vegas had the idea of painting the walls in the sun room and Brother seemed interested.

I went to bed early and refused to get up at a respectable hour of the morning. I wanted to take "time off" on Tuesday.

Well That Was A Waste

Well Brother came over today but not until after 11am, no where near the 9am he had claimed for last weekend's visit that never happened. He brought nephew RL with him. Basically it amounted to sorting out comic books for an hour which is good because that means many of them went with Brother where they belong. Woo-hoo, more room at last!

We then went out to the attached garage so he could see the state of things. He then decided the nephew should mow the lawn. That killed at least another hour, closer to two. The nephew is too short to really easily negotiate the mower. I mentioned that it was nice but will probably take all afternoon so brother took over. He decided the mower was set to high and mowed it again! I'm thinking... there's fuck all good grass and I could knock this out in 20 minutes on any day. Anyway, he wanted the seeder fetched which I got with the nephew in tow. Brother then put out weed and feed which I know is old. Rain is due, apparently even tonight. It even rained last night which it wasn't scheduled to do. I haven't noticed the grass seed I put down having taken hold yet. Maybe it will soon. I don't really care. The nephew declared his hunger after I took brother on a tour of the rear yard and addition / sun room and explained its state of chaos. Brother said we'd go out to eat, his treat. That's fine with me. I fed on a 'spicy chicken sandwich'. Brother got a burger and chicken nuggets. I got through my fries in time for him to complete his meal. Now I know he eats too fast and Mother would caution me about doing the same but dang! It felt uncomfortable riding shotgun in the Zilla Mobile without Mother in the driver seat. That's the first I'd been in the car since it was taken to the shop for an estimate, about six weeks ago.

Anyway, we then wen't to the local home improvement store. I'd only wanted to go there so I could do a return on the masks and back support that Vegas had made me buy. Except I can't seem to locate the receipt right now. Anyway, we squadered a couple hours there while I showed him the different things I had in mind for the house, or that Mother and I had in mind. I did learn that Brother isn't sure we'll be able to sell this year. That's good that he understands it might just now come together. I also took time to review some of the topics I emailed him about just to be sure he heard as well as (presumably) saw them. Anyway, we looked at lighting and agreed on a new outdoor light (the realtor recommended we get a new one). We looked at other lights, the wallboard, for concrete patch, for concrete resurfacing, at carpet, etc. A whole MESS of things. And we agreed. That's good. I like agreement. I bought a new programable thermostat and some concrete patch. Tomorrow we're doing a post office run, a bank run and a trip to the other major home improvement store.

We then put stuff in the car, filling the trunk! I love the idea that things finally were moving out and I don't have to look at them again. The nephew has no sense of how much soap he needs to wash his hands. He had a ton of soap! I eventually turned off the tap and gave him paper towels at the home improvement place or we'd have been there for days. And then he did the same thing here at the house!

The thing is the house has soft water so his over use of soap foamed the sink! I walked by to get a pair of pliers and I had him turn off the water because it had been on so long and he had it on full blast! He whined 'but I still have soap on my hands' (again) and I explained (again) that he used too much soap and that particularly in this house the water is different and you need *very* little soap to do the job. Brother understood but laughed because they go through a bottle of soap twice a week and his water bill is sky high. I can't handle that. I'm very conservation minded and not just for fiscal reasons. Waste weighs on my conscience. That's probably from Father who would always go on about not wasting food or maybe Mother's very conservative use of lighting and artificial heating or cooling. That sensibility has served me well and yet I still chastise myself for using too much light or something. I still am annoyed with Vegas over his demands. He was pre-warned and gave no regard to those warnings with his perpetual use of powered air filters, demands for artificial heat, washing each dish as it's used rather than as a group and so forth. URGH! I thought Buddhists take a vow of poverty or something. Did I mention he bitched at the laundry detergent I had on hand? Good grief. I was able to provide him with something milder for his... denim! Yes, denim!

Anyway, the cat has come out of hiding. Good for the cat! I still feel bad for her, she'll lay on Mother's bed still waiting for her to return. *sigh* I'm not sure if I want to see going next door tonight or not. Perhaps not. I promised some tuna for the cat so I better get on that soon. All in all it was clear my brother didn't want to spend much time in the house itself with where he drifted and so forth.

A Blah Friday

It's 6:30pm. It was warm and sunny out today. I was sore when I woke up. I've been using muscles I haven't had cause to use in ages with all this climbing, bending, carrying, lifting, etc. The cat was cute. She came up and sat on my chest awhile, purring, then got down and lay next to me for a nap. I got up but wasn't in the mood to eat. I need to eat something else, of that I'm sure.

I feel like I got little accomplished but I got my brother's old dresser cleaned out and my grand mother's old chest of drawers emptied as well. I got *something* done, though not much. A statement came in the mail confirming the insurance paid off that one account but it also showed the payment I had made was credited back along with the interest charged since Mother passed! So I have to wait until Monday to find out how to get that money out of the account because, of course, they only work Monday-Friday and go home at 2pm Pacific!

The neighbor just about begged me to come over this evening. He's got his grandson and complained about how picky he is as an eater. I feel bad for him. I'll go over in about an hour or so. No problem. I could use the down time.

It's almost 11:30pm. Went next door. That was ok. The grandson spent most of the time playing poker online while I watched some TV with the neighbor and his wife. Also a stroke victim, on some of the same meds, she has the same poor concept of time that Father had. She can't tell if it's daytime or night. If the grandson turns out to be gay, I won't be surprised. He's always seemed feminine and I swear I saw him do a pirouette coming through the house. Of course, having known Vegas 14 years and not really considered for a moment he could be gay and he now has a boyfriend and is 'out' suggests I haven't any gaydar that is of much use.

Brother phoned. I had given him a ring just to see when he's coming over this weekend. He says it'll be Sunday. Let's hope he makes it this time. We need to discuss many things and get some kind of organization going, some movement forward. I'm actually percieving an 'end' to the trashing/shredding process maybe in one more week. Then I can start measuring, cutting, painting and installing floor moulding. Well, not quite. I need to empty this room and my bedroom and rip up the existing flooring. I haven't heard back from the SIL on carpet installation quotes. Some moments I feel "fuxored" by this situation. Because, really, it has been resting on my shoulders. Cleaning? Me. Sorting the house contents? Me. Dealing with estate accounts? Me. Paying the bills? Me. Carpetry? Me. This will be the first day my brother's been here working on something in probably over a month. This is why when the SIL said we just must use the realtor they've been working with, I'm thinking... uh... maybe not so fast! We need to set milestones and 'drop dead' periods. If that larger policy is paid off, I'll have means to hire labor. If not, it's basically down to, "What can I get accomplished," and that's about it. I've felt pretty serene today. Must be the extra sleep I forced myself to take.

Sloth And Paper

I went to bed finally and it was about 3am the last time I noticed the time on the clock. I woke up at 6am, passed out again for awhile. When I did wake probably before 10am, I decided I wasn't rested enough. Having a cat laying on top of me is a good way to know it's not worth getting out of bed yet. I didn't. Yes, I was lazy today. I didn't really get my day fully started until the afternoon.

Called brother later in the afternoon just to see if he'd read my emails since I'd seen no reply back. We were interrupted by another call and he said he's call back. He didn't. No surprise, it was nearly time for him to go to work anyway. We were just commiserating.

This evening I've been in the addition area, sorting boxes and bags of papers that Vegas and I had set aside for me to do just that. Some things got recycled, many things found a home in the trash bag. Other stuff went into a separate bag for keeping or shredding later. Even though I know I spent hours on this I feel I've little to show for my efforts. Oy! I imagine my back may ache a bit tomorrow. I did some climbing on the furniture and, attempting to keep my balance, suddenly realized I was the only person in the house so if I fell I'd be in a real fix! Potential disaster averted.

I've had cereal lately; I'm not really a cereal eater. It was Mother's. Unopened and due to expire in April, I figured I best get to it so it didn't go to waste. Been a nice departure from my usual routine. I'm having some rice, broccoli, chicken, carrot, almond thing for 'dinner' right now. I can't believe how tired I feel overall. It has to be stress. If I didn't have that insurance policy question hanging about I'd feel more comfortable with the future.

I opined that I must be doing a penance having to sort all of this stuff for Mother. Found some old birthday cards Brother got from old girlfriends. I'll shred them. Seems no reason to ask and I don't feel like meddling or being accused of meddling. The desert is that cherry and chocolate concoction again. Blech! I'll eat it anyway. I need the nutrients. I don't really miss the regular TV schedule (I dropped cable TV as a cost saving measure). It's a bit more of a social thing for me. That used to be the only time my Father and I were alone: watching TV. Well, he watched TV and I sat there doing homework. And now going to my neighbors for a bit of evening TV watching as well. I don't care to watch TV alone. It isn't entertaining enough to do it! If I want to know what I'm missing, I can check out spoilers online.

I got a photo of me and Vegas in email. I look pale! I don't know if it's the direct sun, if I'm really pale or if it's in contrast to his olive, tanned skin. Probably all of those. I've never been a sun worshiper. I also think I look feminine. I think it's because I'm smiling. It was windy so my hair isn't the best. Actually I look like I got Hitler's stylist to do it. Oy (again)! I'm eating that cherry thing. I should write and complain. Who the hell gave raves on this in the taste testing panels? OMG! I spy Duckie online!

Ok, Duckie has been online. We've chatted a bit. That's good but I remembered I didn't mention the SIL talking about being afraid RL (oldest nephew) is gay. Or will grow up gay. Now Mother would tell me the SIL was saying this for ages but part of me wondered if Mother was just probing. I haven't really have much of a relationship with the SIL, she basically ignores me, so I didn't know. Anyway, we were talking about how bad the niece is doing with her speech and how impossible it is to get her into preschool under current circumstances. We all know the girl is delayed (thank you, freebasing egg donor!) and it's been a real concern. I think she was surprised when I revealed Mother and I had looked into funding preschool for the niece but were knocked over by the costs--see past blogs, I think I ranted on this topic months ago. So then she was talking about the niece and how she preferred to do boy things, that she's a tomboy which the SIL likes because the SIL doesn't like girly-girl things either. Now, I laugh because the SIL is basically the most girly-girl female I've known. Then she brought up RL and how he was the opposite and liked doing more girl type things like arts and crafts projects, playing with dolls, wanted to learn about sewing and she talked about worrying he might grow up to be gay and was refusing to let him do those sorts of activities.

I told her if it ever could've been changed it's too late. She can blame the birth mother be it caused by in utero, nurture or a combination. If it can't be changed then he is who he is and not to fret about it while he's 7 or 8! Now, mind you, I think she's a bit over paranoid. Truth, I wouldn't want any son of mine to "grow up gay" because it's a tortured existence regardless of what progress has been made in the past 20 or 10 years. I'm not convinced were even beyond the stage of "queers" being beaten or threatened with violence which was something I worked on curbing in my uni days. There's also a great deal of immaturity in the out gay community with drug use, drama, using people, deprecation of relationship building, over-emphasis on sexual release, etc. There's a lot of unhealthy practices.

The best thing they can do is to give him a confident character. He's a shy kid but naturally athletic. I admit I giggle inside when she talks of him being catcher at his little league game just after talking about whether he'll grow up to be homosexual. I find it a bit funny she's worried about him but not worried about the "tom boy" aspects of the niece. No concerns about her becoming a lesbian I guess. She mentioned the notion about RL came to my brother as well at some point. She says she asked, "He'll still be your son won't he? You'll still love him, right?" and said it wouldn't matter if he turns out gay. Well, right. She told me she said similarly to him when he thought I was gay during my uni years until I talked to him about my girlfriend and that sexual intimacy. None of that really helped our relationship which is in a weird place.

He doesn't really know me well (I think) and we're fairly different people. He's more combative, I'm more easily used. I'm probably more libertarian conservative (what's called a South Park Conservative in some circles) while he's probably more fundamentally conservative. He's much more keen on history while I'm more keen on current events. He has liked fiction while I've mostly preferred to read for information. He's more mechanically inclined while I'm perhaps better at abstract things. I think he's more shaped by having confronted the "real world" while I've not had to in such a direct way. He's resilient, a scrapper. I fret, putter around and struggle with daily things. In a crisis I'm calm and methodical; he's more emotional.

It's 11pm here. I'm going to have cereal and probably lie down a bit. Pet the cat, feed the fish.

It's Finally Down

So the Christmas tree finally came down. It had stayed up because Mother was going to take the ornaments down since she put them up. Was just waiting for her to be healthy. Since it would be more work for me I just left it up. And taking it down made things more real. Today I was thinking about the insurance person and thought maybe I should take it down. I couldn't think of a good reason to explain it still being up. I flipped a coin and two of two tosses (no need for a third) agreed the tree should come down. It's packed up now and stored where it was going to go when I had it boxed up after Mother took off ornaments.

I am tense, feeling anxious. I think I've got this figured... insurance women's bringing the application to I can see it and so they have CYA if/when they deny claim. They can say, "Look! We showed application! Mother didn't tell she had all ten toes, we reject claim!" I'm too cynical to believe they'll pay until it finally happens. I'm too cynical for my own good health.

Am pleased with how much junk I got through last evening. It is better Brother can't make it; he would be wild card and might get upset. Had breakfast but could probably have more to eat already.

Sleep was passable but I had a dream of people putting in new landscaping and making comments about what's there now. It's about noon, maybe I'll get a bit of lunch in before she arrives.

I was out talking to the neighbor when she called. She was probably a half hour behind schedule. So I walked her through the couple weeks leading up to Mother's passing. To which she could see not only did she attempt to get medical treatment (and did) but that the true cause was missed until just a few hours before she passed. She'll see all of this in the medical records. Which is one reason she had to see me. She needed me to sign a release for them specific to this state and even then she knows the hospital will decline. She told me I'll probably have to go in person and authorize their release. Once the records are available, the process should go fairly quickly. I felt a bit better talking to her and getting a sense of the process of course I'm still a skeptic. She assured me it was routine and that they've had people try to claim folks are dead when they're not, etc.

Then I called the SIL forgetting Brother would probably (still) be at work and she talked my ears off for an hour or two. Oy. The littlest nephew is still sick and was off to the doctor this morning. They've decided he's old enough for antibiotics. He needs to get well. I'm tired but I haven't eaten a lot. I did get a workout fighting to get the tree back in its box though. Some of the photos I've found from my high school and uni days I don't believe. I hope they don't decide to challenge the policy but Mother disclosed, I disclosed, she did their medical exam, I think the records will there's nothing afoot here. I guess I'll be in touch with her more. Lucky me, right?

I looked at myself in the mirror and my eyes have dark areas under them. I'm probably not getting enough sleep. Or something. Forgot to mention something I learned from the SIL today: the administrators get paid the same amount as the lawyer! I didn't know administrators got paid so I guess we'll get paid from ourselves and, of course, have to pay income tax on it I guess--if the SIL is right. Sheds new light on my brother's desire to be appointed sole administrator if she's not confusing hiring an outside person with family doing it which I think is possible.

We Have A Date / Feels Like A Month Ago

Well, I feel like I'm reliving a month ago. I woke startled, feel very stressed and anxious and have basically no appetite. I'm trying to convince myself the insurance company won't pay on the large policy. That's what they'll want to do, of course. But then I have to think like that so I'm not gasping for air when it happens. I need to plan ahead like that's how things will go. I've read the policy over carefully and they don't really reserve the right to consider challenge of the policy. I think they are despicable. The due diligence should've come before the policy was written not trying to retroactively escape from their obligation. No matter that I can intellectualize their position, this just seems like outright torment of the bereaved. I'd like to vomit but I haven't eaten.

Haven't heard from my brother but got a short email last night wondering if I wanted him involved Thursday for the agent meeting. Whatever. My mental health, especially the stress level, could certainly be better right now. It's 11am, I talked to the cat, did my morning business, retrieved the bins. Still need to empty the dryer of laundry.

My head feels stuffy, like it's in a slowly tightening vice. Had rain last night; wasn't expecting it.

Almost half-past noon. I got back in bed (sitting up) for a bit and communed with the cat. Re-read the policy. Felt better. Calmer. Got food. Trying to stay on track. Trying to stay calm. Trying to stay focused.

2pm. Feeling fatigued. No calls yet today. Mail probably still 1-2 hrs away. Will probably turn in early tonight.

It's now 5:30pm. I'm feeling hungry. Got good mail today. One card security plan has paid the balance so that's out of the way. That's expected but still good that it's done. Got a letter from the lawyer, we have a date in mid-May for court now! I'm thrilled. Sort of. Hey, I can fake it!

Talked to Brother on the phone a bit. Yes, he's really still alive! The SIL hasn't stuffed the body in the overhead. He's still planning to come Thursday for the insurance meeting. He agrees it's asinine on their parts but I'll play that game and just not expect anything good to come of it. Bastards. He doesn't know when the hospital will release Mother either. Ok, it's a joke but we're both kind of feeling that way. He says the car driver door part won't be fixed because only Mother could say it wasn't prior existing and caused in the accident. She's unavailable. So we'll just suffer. It's hard to notice anyway. I could use a nap but I think that's my stomach demanding food saying feed me or be sleepy.

It's just after 8pm now. I've been sorting bags of "stuff" into "shred" and "trash" bags. Just got a call from the woman handling the case for the large insurer, she needed the appointment moved up to early tomorrow afternoon. I agreed. Called Brother but he can't make that time, he's got a presentation to attend at work. At least I know I can sleep in a bit if I like and I was regretting having him over for this anyway just because of the unpredictability. Don't need him getting upset. Wish me well tomorrow! Now I'm back to my sorting. Oh so fun it is!

Where's My Eject Button?

So I phoned to get a change of beneficiary on my own life insurance so a form is coming for that. Maybe I'll set up a dart board for who pisses me off least. Brother never did call me last night. And he's slept today. Talked to the SIL awhile. More on that in a bit.

Got a call from the large policy insurance company, an agent wants to meet with me on Thursday, here at home. She claims she only wants to make sure the claim form is correct but I'm not buying it. I have no trust here. They're miffed because Mother died within a year of getting the policy. No one had a clue, even the ER doctor didn't have a clue for 6-8 hours into her treatment what the real cause was. Fuck them. They wrote the policy, there was only a suicide exclusion, the other stated terms were met. I don't see why they need to investigate anything else. It doesn't fit in their neat little actuarial tables. Fine.

The lawyer got back to me on that estate bill. She reminded me I don't have to pay regardless of what it claimed. That's the law. Sure, it's the law but it still annoys me. It's stressful.

So talking to the SIL. She's a pushy broad. I felt worse after talking to her. I could hear the ching-ching of dollar signs in her head through the telephone. Mother had her sized up. I heard about how short on money they are, how short they will be when she loses one of the kids she takes care of, how cheap things should be done at the house to prepare for sale, how horrible I was to suggest we might consult another realtor to shop around. She wants me out of this house, no question. It's not to settle the estate. Give me a break. It's not to help me out because when I suggested May might be unrealistic she said "but that's the best time to sell" blah, blah. She offered to paint. I've heard that before. It was 2002. She painted a hallway closet which I then had to come back and paint again. Thanks but no thanks.

She gave me the standard line about well we don't want to leave it all to you to do which of course is just crap. I've heard it before. It's been me doing it all along. This is why I was meant to get the house. I worked for it. In retrospect I'm sorry Mother didn't get her will completed and I could explain her thinking which had more to do with distrusting her daughter in law than having a problem with her son. The SIL has never been wise with money. Not only did she go into bankruptcy herself but pulled Brother into bankruptcy as well. It's taken him a long time to climb out of that hole. She's been unable to maintain a job. She gets bored easily and can't fit in with office politics. She has pursued and tossed away more entrepreneurial ideas that I can recall. Now, just as she was to return to the workforce with the niece starting school she's got a newborn in foster care (pending final adoption). And she's losing one, probably both, of the children she watches all within the next couple of months. She doesn't want to take on more kids. Ok, fine. But there's income to make up. Is it any wonder my brother doesn't want to leave his career and move across the country? It's no wonder she was pressing the issue and wants the house sold. She wants that money. I wonder if I'll get paid back for the rent money I gave them while at uni. Still waiting on that.

Mother used to say my brother could put her in the White House and his wife still wouldn't be satisfied. I get that now.

I didn't like her tone. She complains, she whines, she chatters. And she was insistent that her ideas were superior but she didn't want to say anything because it might cause hurt feelings. Oh, and because she has no part in this, it's up to me and my brother. Of course then she launches into her notions... She's full of shit. Probably gets it from her adoptive mother who seems to be a woman without redeeming merits. She also went on about her stress, trouble with the kids, blah, blah. I'm thinking: "OMG, kill me now!"

So I've been feeling miserable. Feeling too isolated today. I just want a nice quiet life with minimal drama. She's always been a drama queen. If I drop contact with my brother's family it'll be entirely because of the SIL. She loathes me, or is at least uncomfortable with me. Whatever. At different times, in different contexts, Mother and I had each expressed a feeling of being unwelcome regarding the SIL. Vegas noted that my brother seemed unhappy when we stopped in last week. No surprise, I guess. I'd be miserable as hell.

Hah!

Well Brother emailed to say he is 'sick' and didn't show up today at all. I'm shocked! No, not really. Not even a tiny bit. I've basically just pissed the day away so far, it's coming up to 4pm. I watched a couple more short films, looked over some papers, talked to the cat and slept in a bit. Need to pick something for a late lunch.

The house is depressing today. Bah.

It's 7:30pm. I've had two phone calls one a charity asking if I have items to donate, the other some survey I declined to do. I've had three meals today and for some reason I still feel heavy hearted and depressed. I'm tired. Maybe I'll turn in early and try for an early start tomorrow. Not just yet, though. I think I'm slightly put off by brother being a no-show. I don't care if he's sick. Yes, Mother might tell me you shouldn't expect help. "Help is a word in a dictionary." But um... she's not here. If it makes any sense the silence is deafening. It actually sounds louder. I'm sure it's just my brain playing tricks. I played music awhile but that got old. I'm missing the background noise. The cat isn't even snoring for me. Oh well. I guess I can't expect a call from my brother tonight. And who knows when I'll see him next. It's maddening and not in an angry way but in a sucking away mental health fashion.

Weekend Tiredness...

I slept OK but I'm tired now. I have only had a blueberry muffin so it's probably time for a late lunch. I've been cleaning out this room the past several hours. I swirled up some dust and kicked off my allergies but that seems settled. There hasn't been nearly the rain expected which isn't a bad thing. The cat is on my bed.

I do feel like I've been dragged behind a car. It's 3pm so mail should be arriving in the next hour. Let's hope for something good.

It's 11pm now. Mail was silly in that Mother got a life insurance offer from a company who has been sent a death certificate. It's silliness like this which makes it almost amusing. Sorted papers for hours and hours. The cat has been hanging out on Mother's bed. I feel bad for the cat. Pff. I feel bad for both of us. This is hard. I re-ripped some CDs because I had deleted most of my mp3 collection last month without realizing.

Watched a couple of short films late this evening. Brother is supposed to come over tomorrow, I had considered planning an agenda but I haven't gotten around to that. Maybe before I pass out I'll mull what we want to accomplish. Part of it depends on weather since they can't make up their minds if rain will hang around or not. I got a notice about the "standard business hold" on the deposit. What a bizarre practice.

I'm tired, I ate today but not really a lot. However, I feel like I'm fattening up. I think I'll turn in. I just mentioned to Leon if I turn in early, brother will arrived at noon. If I stay up late, he'll be here at 9am. Would've been nice to have a vague notion of an ETA. Am I not too cynical to wonder whether he'll actually show up?

Bah. Incompetence Ruins Day?

Guy from the car insurance called this morning. I told him about the hood alignment and driver door jamb / trim dent problem. He'll follow up with brother. Nice enough guy, if impatient. Considering I was on the toilet when the phone rang he should be glad I rushed off to pick up.

The mail pissed me off. A billing statement came. It said last month's payment is "past due" and wants double for this month. Didn't do any good for my blood pressure. This is bullshit because I paid that bill for the estate three days before it was due.

I called multiple customer service numbers and was eventually directed to the bank which issues the credit card since the account is in "probate." That department closes at 3pm (Eastern) on Fridays and aren't open weekends so I can't get any information until Monday. 3pm! That's noon in CA. What kind of a day is that? Bastards!

This is the same company that has already contacted a collection agent. The lawyer has all that info; I've had no contact with the collection agent. Sent copies of the new statement to the lawyer along with the old statement and copy of the draft used to pay the supposedly "past due" bill. Fuckers are tormenting me, I swear!

Mother got a sample ballot. I called the registrar of voters and was told to mark her ballot "deceased" and send it back. That women sounded as bright as a 10 watt bulb. This wasn't an issue with Father, he was automatically removed from the voter rolls when his death certificate was issued. Cataloged some things today. It was boring but the photos turned out OK. I found the watch my brother has been pestering about.

Needed to unwind tonight. Not sure I've done that. It's too fucking quiet in the house. It's uncomfortable.

Why Am I Not Asleep?

So I've had a problem with the small deposit. So "Where's Waldo" hiding? Seems a "5 day business hold" was placed on it. The funds will be released and available next week. At least I know why it hasn't shown up in my balance! And, fortunately, I haven't needed it immediately. Of course that meant I couldn't pay my uncle back the day of the placement but that might not be a horrible thing.

My other thought is Homeland Security probably alerted that I suddenly made a deposit that didn't match my profile and they're seeing if I have links to evil doers. Evil.

Doing ok today err... that would be yesterday now. It was time to place Mother at the cemetery and for Vegas to leave! I got 'volunteered' to do the physical placing by my brother. It was symbolically appropriate just given my relationship with Mother. Father's box is in good shape, the actual niche is concrete all sides and bottom. I had to sit and slid Mother's box into the ground on top of Father's. The area was deeper than I expected! I teared at the corners as the marker screws were put back in place. My cousin took a photo. Will probably get a copy or SIL will.

I don't know if we'll be happy with the new grave marker. The woman who had the paperwork was snippy and insisted there wasn't enough space to do what we were asking for. That's crap! We could see from other markers how many lines there were and how many others were just like we asked for. She was a cold, angry bitch. I know that's going to be a future battle. That can be Brother's problem as he signed off on it. If necessary I'll pay for the fucking correct marker!

Saw the car today, the work was piss poor. :/ The hood is clearly not aligned and some minor body damage was actually overlooked. My brother said driving the car is eery. It must be haunted by Mother. He is supposed to come out to house on Sunday.

Our Uncle actually picked me up and then we picked up Brother. A cousin was along. She's not blood related but Uncle adopted her when he married her mother. Even though neighbor couldn't make it, we were still four for the very informal service. I visited with him late this afternoon. Neighbor's wife has had a tough couple of days. He thought she might have been in a coma at one point. He doesn't need the stress.

Anyway, it was windy at the cemetery but a very nice, sunny day. Uncle said he was surprised Mother didn't want to go to sea like their parents but I said she had wanted that. Until Father passed. Coping with widowhood, she changed her mind!

After dropping off Brother, I went with Uncle and Cousin for a late lunch. I tried Sub Marina for the first time. Cousin learned a bit about me, my home bound habits, a bit about their origins, that I don't drive, etc. It all seemed a bit bizarre to her I'm sure. Uncle understood how that was; even he wasn't really allowed to take me or my brother places. Anyway, I'm glad to see the path she's on now. Her son is 10; she's going with Uncle and others to new state. She said she has a five year goal to own a house, even if it's just a trailer. That is a good goal!

I learned something Mother had never told me and I respect why she edited. She was a widow when she married my father. Prior husband was spouse abuser and died of cancer.

I also found out Uncle had no photo of his dad. Was happy to provide some very old photos for copying. Have many old photos! Some 100 year old photos look better than more recent ones. We are throw-away society now. Old photos were made to last!

Cat seems to have relaxed some. She's eaten more and had water. Brother is supposed to be out Sunday like I said but the rain has been expanded from Friday night, to thunder showers Saturday to even showers Sunday now. And cold! More hail! Dat is evil.

Vegas got home in one piece. We had awkward goodbye but it went ok. Now I've been up hours and hours longer than I should've. I've been bad! Are you reading this closely?

Productive.

Well it was definitely productive. But wow, is there much to be done. I've been sneezing off and on. Vegas leaves in the morning. We seemed to have reached some kind of meeting of the minds. I'm very tired. The garage is packed with things for a 'yard sale'. The bins are filled. There's still much to clean, sort, organize. The kitty is very paranoid and hiding in Mother's room. I took a photo of me with Mother's box. I had hoped to have some time with her, perhaps in the morning after Vegas leaves and before my uncle picks me up for the cemetery.

Shockingly the car was ready today. Brother has it now. Vegas and I did some minor demolition. I didn't find any other mold. It's clear where the leak was originating. I've patched that and will leave it visible for this weekends storm before covering it back up again with wall board, etc. I've seen things I forgot about, seen things that were new, seen things I didn't realize we had. I wish Mother was here to see all this accomplished.

I'm just about exhausted. I spent more time talking to Vegas about my situation, the work ahead, the time line and so forth. I didn't realize how heavy a burden I carry until I was articulating the circumstances. It's mind numbing. Brother is supposed to come out on Sunday. I need to take a day off. Perhaps tomorrow. I can probably take it easy, other than Mother's placement.

Today Has Been Better

It figures the last day he's here we actually get productive and on a passable wavelength. Better late than never, though. The bad news? The large policy pay out may be delayed months because it was less than two years old. That could delay my ability to move, thus the ability to sell the house. I was very down about that. Went to the home improvement store and sawed wood. That improved my mood. Got the moulding needed for nearly all of the rooms so I won't have to wait on brother for that supply run. That's good. Supposedly the car will "for sure" be done today. They found a bad O2 sensor causing the check engine light to come on. One of the O2 sensors, that car has four, was replaced just back in August. They want to charge extra. They are truly EVIL. I hope the car is available. The small insurance check has not yet appeared in my account balance. Maybe tomorrow. Anyway, because of the large check delay I can look forward to an easy April, perhaps an easy May financially but that's when it gets tightened up.

We were going to go out for lunch but did the home improvement run first and came back here for lunch. That's good I had bought a sandwich yesterday at the grocery. It was indulgent but tasty. The garage is fairly much nailed down with much staging of items for a yard sale. So it turned out that while clearing the patio room, the room he thought was too much effort days ago, we found a box of dust masks identical to the ones he bitched about needed yesterday that I ultimately paid for. He's gone off to the grocery for more water. Not that he didn't buy water yesterday or that there isn't gallons of water in the house. Who knows if that's why he's really gone out. That's fine if he needs a break.

Karma might've bit his ass--if that was you, Mother: thanks! His hard disk crashed on his laptop; he's inconvenienced and having to use the Mac to check his email. He didn't lose anything really as he had just synced before leaving.

Tomorrow my uncle will come and pick me and Mother up and we'll go out to the cemetery. He wanted to be there for the placement so we arranged that on his day off. The SIL is watching all the kids so it'll probably just be me, uncle and brother. Perhaps (doubtfully) the neighbor as well but I understand, and know Mother would, his inability to go since he's caring for his wife. I didn't get my hair cut and I am not sure what I'll wear. Maybe I'll "dress up" or maybe I'll try to figure what Mother would prefer. Today marked one month. It doesn't seem so long. Not nearly! It still isn't entirely real to me. I was up and caught Vegas skulking around. We were in the kitchen, appropriately, when the time came. That was Mother's hang out. I guess I should spend some time talking to her tonight. It'll be the very last time I have with her. Cleaning out I've turned up some things that I'd forgotten about, some things we had just gotten, even a brand new picnic set we were going to use when we took brother and the nephew to Phoenix for baseball spring training. Alas, that was to happen this past weekend. There's a twinge of bitterness.

The cat hasn't eaten in at least a day. She's hiding in my bedroom. She's scared by Vegas' phlegm problem which is like when people try to get a really huge wad of spit going. It's grotesque. He's been a bit less diva today. Will try to blog more. Will definitely make point of blogging tomorrow after service and things.

I Hate Drama

Ugh. So I beat up Vegas and now wear his teeth around my neck. No, ok, it's not that bad but we did have an argument. I'll write about it later. I'm tired. The cat has finally come out of hiding a little bit. Got lots of groceries. Browsed for supplies, worked on cleaning garage, mowed lawn as post-argument penance.

He's been complaining about heat, took over the kitchen, totally rearranged the cabinets, has a repulsive phlegm problem, and was somehow offended I wouldn't buy a back support because he complained his back was aching. I'm the one with the extra pounds! He's the one doing yoga! I think newly 'out' gay men are divas. Blah, blah. This visit was probably a mistake. Well, I don't know. I feel like I'm the one catering to him instead of being supported in a time of difficulty. It's just a bit maddening. So I paid him back for the damn back support. I mowed the lawn myself (he had volunteered). He's been full of complaints. The rooms needing the most work he dismissed as being too big of a task. Now with him leaving in another day he feels ready to work on it. I'm ready to pull my hair out.

I didn't ask him to come over, he volunteered. I didn't ask him to do anything, he's volunteered. I'm trying to conserve on gas, electric and water. No chance of that. Maybe I should have stood my ground. He concedes being pushy but I'm not sure what I'm getting out of this visit other than taxi service. He even suggested I should pay for his 'free' labor and travel cost.

Coming out has done no good for his ego and understand his place in the greater universe. Bah. I don't need this crap. I've got a Mother to put in the ground on Thursday, a 33 years of house debris to sort, organize and expunge, mourning to do, an existence to support, a cat to baby, a brother to console... Highly unpleasant this is.

Vegas has arrived.

He arrived this afternoon as expected. He didn't travel lightly, my goodness! We were going to watch "Get Real" until he realized he'd seen it (it was in his collection of films) and he doesn't like watching the same film twice. We watched "Igby Goes Down" instead. It's an unusual film but wasn't so bad. I doesn't inform too much on my situation but I could appreciate the family dynamic. Might see it again some day.

I had a frozen fish dinner I'd picked up for Mother. He's skinny as hell and yet eats like a horse. He had half a hamburger, a plate of spaghetti and three-quarters of a large pizza for dinner. Amazing. I did make cookies which he says are raw but I'm satisfied with them. We're using more power than I've probably used in weeks and he used many dishes but he also washed them, not that I asked. He did it while I was making cookies. He showed me some of his photos from Sweden and we watched a travel log on France. I guess Paris would be ok if I had a companion but my interest in it, outside the Louvre, isn't sufficient to warrant a solo journey. It's rained a bit tonight but rain should be out of her most of this week. He seems basically the same guy. I could do without the odor of his ozone machine but I'll make do. I haven't seen the cat in hours. He's turned in the for the night so I'll try to coax her out of hiding.

Not really much solid planning for tomorrow other than groceries and a medication pick up. I feel I've eat more today than usual. I know I've had two cups of coffee, the chicken and the fish and three cookies. And water. Plenty of water too. His visit is 'weird' just because visitors are not a usual thing. He's the second visitor in 15 years and perhaps the second period. Yikes. I forgot to feed the fish. I'll get on that. Damn it. I just realized I took the wrong med. Grrr. Well, I think I did. I'm so far off routine I'm not clear. I should be OK. I've doubled-up before accidentally. Ugh. How annoying, though!

And Now I Know

First, a funny: What if Microsft redesigns the iPod package?

There were times Mother would wake up and complain about hip soreness. I believe I know the cause: the cat. You can't move around the cat. Instinctively you don't roll, don't move, as you normally would during sleep. Of course, on especially cold nights, since the cat has shown a desire to sleep on top of me, be it a chest, a leg, a hip, an arm, it's no wonder aches would surface with a new day. I told the cat we may need to get a bigger bed. It's about noon, expecting Vegas in about four hours or so.

Need to eat and get some more things sorted out. I had a dream about sleep and cold nights. Grandmother, Mother and Father all made appearances. I offered assurances I was plenty warm. Except my feet, they were getting cold in the dream since I hadn't put socks on. There was a point last night where I actually reduced my sleep wear for comfort. Between the blankets reflecting my body heat and the cat against my back as well, I was more than sufficiently warm. Fed the fish, cleaned up cat barf. Not sure why she barfed her food last night but she's done that before immediately after eating on occasion. She had hacked a bit before she went to eat, it was probably just a reflex. Will give her more hair ball ointment.

I did some calculations before drifting off, it'll be a few thousand to get the house properly addressed, trimmed out and so forth inside. Not so bad as it could be. Tis a shame, of course, that it wasn't all ready for market but what home is? Having seen so many changes by one set of owners over 30 years, it wasn't going to happen here. I feel blessed it's in the shape it is. Not bless, maybe, since so much was effort I put in. Thankful, perhaps.

Public Transit Is Evil

Public transit is an abomination. I was figuring how I can take public transit, if necessary, to my jury duty date. Some of the trips could be over two hours. Fortunately I think I found an "express" route which should be able to take me and bring me in under or around an hour. That is, of course, if I don't leave until it's around time for court to close. If I'm sent home early, say around noon, I'll need to find another rout and thus a longer trip. During my uni days it wasn't a big deal to hop the bus. However, that city was microscopic in comparison. Hopefully I can do this early, maybe this week, instead of waiting. Of course, no matter what you're out the cost of the first day's transport whether assigned a case or not. Just imagine being on a bus two hours to and from an attempted murder or murder trial thus for a month or more--Urgh!

Cat is complaining about something. Perhaps it's too cold for her. I'm playing with 'danger' by putting a heating pad on low for the cat. I should think about moving towards bed myself in the near future, that should calm her down. Wish I had a working carbon monoxide detector since the forced air furnace hasn't been used / checked in months. Yes, I am paranoid. I'd use the space heater but the thing is huge. Made sense for where Mother and I planned to use it or for Vegas if he needs it at night but not much for the cat and my bedroom due to layout issues. Oh well, it's supposed to warm up in the next day or so. Tonight, though, will be quite cold.

Inclimate Weather

The weather was not so great today. Thunder storms, even hail which is rare around these parts. It's been quite chilly outdoors, around 5C (40's F). I plugged in a space heater Mother and I picked up a year or two ago (and never opened) for a trial run. The cat seemed cold and Vegas is due in tomorrow and might require its use. It's working just fine.

I didn't sleep worth two damns last night. It took me hours to drift off and I was out of be in about four hours. The day sure seemed longer which was OK, I had a lot of clean up to do. I cleared out the deep freeze and found a few frozen meals 'best by' with dates in 2004! I mopped the floors, scrubbed the tub and vanity, changed out the towels in the primary bath. I unplugged the obnoxiously loud fan in the bath ceiling until I can outright remove or replace it--30 years has put a lot of wear on those bearings. It sounds akin to grinding rocks. When we had the plumber Matt over last summer when the fan came out he was startled and thought someone had started a jack hammer! Anyway, I had gotten up last night to check for a leak in the sun room. Often over the years when it has rained there has been a leak in one particular spot. It's been fixed over the years many times but never permanently. Well, I thought I had it licked, I hadn't seen a leak in years but I'm paranoid. I checked, there was nothing, I went back to bed. While I was getting something for the bathroom clean up, I noticed there were droplets. A leak had begun.

Not seeing any obvious source, I was heavily annoyed and I ripped down trim and paneling in search of the cause. It'll be a fairly easy permanent fix and why it wasn't done 25 years ago I have no idea. Still it's more work. I guess since it didn't effect the house itself, it wasn't seen as a priority. Then again, many things about this house didn't seem to be priorities, things I've worked on in recent years. One of these days I'll have to write about the Great Kitchen Remodel of the mid-80's. Let me just say I'm pleased Mother got to see a "fully armed and operational" kitchen before she passed even if she never did quite "move back in." I still don't get that. I finished up, months passed and she didn't move in. I kind of felt bad about it. Part of me wonders if she was bewildered as the kitchen turned out far better than she had imagined. Heck I look at it and still can't believe what I accomplished. To deeply appreciate what it is like now you had to know what it was like before. I felt a scintilla of pride when the realtor remarked, unsolicited, he liked it and said it would photograph well. As she told me when I said there were some things I would have done differently had I known she quipped, "there's always the next kitchen." That moment especially, along with our existing readiness to move, has been very important in my continuing process of accepting having to move forward. Looking back, we had a good year in 2005. 2006 held such promise for us.

Mother learned some things about me, about my resilience and willingness to tackle problems as well as knowing when I'm out of my league. When I told her it was time to call a plumber, she didn't flinch. I think she appreciated most that it got done. When I halted work on the kitchen flooring a few years back, I said when the plumbing is done I'll finish the floor. I kept my word.

My approach was pretty methodical with lots of photos, drawings, measurements, mirrors... I would make plans for attacking a problem and she was surprised when they were so cleanly reflected in the final work. She also came to appreciate that I understood she needed drawings, something visual, to help guide her thoughts because for all her uncanny knowledge of minutia she was not so great with visualizing abstracts, reportedly common among females.

I'd involve her but sometimes I just had to send her away if she was hovering and I was frustrated. She would go listen to talk radio or work her crosswords in ink. I needed focus.* Then I'd call her over to hold a light or to inspect, to hand me items out of reach or when it was break time. We'd go out front to the covered porch and she'd have a smoke while I cooled off. I would also know when to quit for the night, usually 9pm, and take the time to put things away. She liked that. That really wasn't Father's method. While my method technically "wasted time" it gave me a chance to close up that day's work, prepare for the next step and mentally detach. A process I continue to employ. Not sure of all the origins for my method. Possibly having to put toys away after play. Perhaps methods I was taught studying computer science or maybe just my own iterative (an antithesis to CS) process when I dabbled as a graphic designer. *shrug*

5pm now. I'm still gnawing at my dinner. Cold chicken. Well, it's cold now. It wasn't cold an hour ago. I think Mother got to know me and appreciate me, not in some areas surely but in ways I hadn't realized. Suddenly I feel fortunate.

----

* On a related note, about 12 years ago when I was home for the summer from uni, I was working on an oil painting at night. Father would come stare at me and it made me insane. I couldn't concentrate. I know he was only showing interest and wanted to see me at work but it felt like I was on TV. I like that painting. It's in storage, I hope to see it again this year. I owe Vegas a portrait. I'm only 10 years behind. That sits in storage too, unfinished. In the not too distance future, probably within 12 month, I think it'll be time to pick up the oils again.

Entry just to have one here

Today went OK. Met with lawyer, signed documents. Found out process can't really start with court until May because the court calendar is packed. Process could drag out until early next year in fact. I almost fell out of my chair but there's nothing I can do about it. Everything else is on target. Bills paid up. Didn't get groceries and didn't even eat until 4pm or later. Vegas probably will come over Sunday, not tomorrow. Tired but not in the mood to sleep. Kitty looks comfortable and I don't want to mover her. It's raining tonight, had a bit of thunder earlier and maybe small hail too. I'm tired of being chilly. I'm tired of not eating enough too. Might have to wait for Vegas before I can get groceries since brother's not available after all.

Maybe I will sleep now. Just to warm up. It's about 15C (60F) in here. I've been avoiding artificial heat to save costs. Kiwi should be to Aus by now. Wind his up. Think I'll turn in. Maybe more detail about today when I have time to blog tomorrow.

Nerves

I feel nervous today. Got up about 9am, it's 15 until 1 now. I had breakfast (mac & cheese). The frozen meal I was going to have said "best by Mar 2005" on the box. I was annoyed. It's the third item I've seen like that. Mother had said we should clean out the freezer because there were probably 'old' things. Must do groceries in the next few days. I'm getting very low on things which are mine or neutral. There are some things, like Mother's crab cakes, I'm avoiding since I don't eat shell fish and don't know even if I'm allergic. There are some other things with caramelized onions that I best not try since I do have a problem history with onions.

I paid the broadband bill early so I'll be able to blog. I do wonder why I'm nervous. Is it impending doom meeting with the lawyer tomorrow? Fear something's not being addressed? I hate the unknown which means I'm uncomfortable not knowing what's going on with the things I left to my brother. I called his cell but there was no answer. Maybe he's getting the car--Ha! Another newspaper came today which now makes three weeks of free, unwanted, deliveries.

I felt a jumbled mess thinking about Mother's pain, how we should've gone to the ER rather than going through the usual care clinic, how doing the 'right' thing (didn't seem an ER situation) likely cost her life. The ER could've sent her for a CT while she was still strong enough to respond to antibiotics to fight infection and perhaps make it through surgery. Even if she was lost under those circumstances, I'd have known she'd had a fighting chance. Instead, discovery came too late. I feel like I let her down; I was fooled. Her back pain seemed to respond to heat and sitting up. The pain meds masked the fever, and thus clear sign of infection. Since she was on two antibiotics for the pneumonia she didn't have, that probably kept the septic infection and thus symptoms in check! Back on Feb 1, the P.A. (physician's assistant) told me if she looked worse, she goes to the ER. Great!

Unfortunately, she looked better on the antibiotics, began resuming her normal activities and thus my guard was let down. So far as I know, her blood pressure was not abnormal for her until that final day. She checked it weekly and I had her check it that day for my own peace of mind. I don't recall what the clinic saw, but do remember the doctor took another reading which is unusual.

I don't believe it's coincidental that she died five days after completing her antibiotics. Then she *was* beginning to look worse, a bit ashen, and obviously she asked to go to the ER that evening. Her feet and ankles had swollen a bit in the prior two days. When when we took her to the ER her feet were looking purple-ish, a sign there wasn't enough oxygen getting to them. No surprise to me since she was complaining having shortness of breath; coloration of her feet improved over the hour when she was put on oxygen. This was the first day there was a hint of fever and I was checking every several hours to be sure. I still remember the doctor remarking he was surprised at the 'size' of the problem and the surgeon saying once they opened her up, they may just have to close without being able to do anything other than maker her comfortable. I know the surgeon said this was one of the most difficult diagnosis for them to make even though they see it. But a CT is conclusive in over 95% of cases.

To have survived that kind of illness as long as she did tells me she was in strong shape for her age. Probably could've come through the surgery had there been ample time for it and controlled infection. I guess this makes me a bit angry, a bit 'insane', to know there was a literal time bomb, a countdown to death and I wasn't aware. It's as if she were already "dead" and neither she nor I realized it. It boggles my mind. It's foundation shaking. I feel less nervous having ranted about this. I think it was just getting under my skin.

Some kind of clear warning would've been welcomed. If it has been abdominal, not back pain, it would've been an easy move making an ER trip two weeks earlier a no-brainer and possibly different outcome. Back in 2002, I was at the same ER for several abdominal pain after having been to the urgent care clinic which treated me for "diverticulitis." I ended up back at the same ER some days later due to the allergic reaction to the antibiotic Septra where that ER doctor literally took a guess and said it was the sulfa drug Septra, not the other antibiotic, causing the allergic reaction. He didn't like my skepticism but I was the one with blood pressure in the 90's, fighting confusion, a rash, itching, swelling all over, fever, in ability to sleep, etc. He turned out to be right, though. That's when I found out my brother was also allergic to sulfa drugs!

No inflammation appeared in the CT and no diverticuli were noted on my later colonoscopy. I did get better, though. Within a year I changed my diet and haven't had a problem. I was trying to have too little fat in my diet, didn't have enough liquids, and the recommendation of using a fiber supplement had only made things much worse.

I think that's something that has me spun-around too: my own intestinal problem experience and how it both punctuated the start of the "end era" for Father and somewhat mirrored Mother's own fate. That would creep out most people, I think. Oy, been blogging almost an hour. Time for me to go through things out.

It's 5:30pm. I haven't thrown things out. Instead I wrote up a summary of the activities taken on the estate's accounts and recreated some blueprints of the house so I can estimate how much paint is needed and how much carpet there is to purchase. I know the realtor suggested replacing all the carpet with one color but damn it, that living and dining carpet is just three years old! Not sure what I'll eat for dinner. I'm running low on options. Maybe I'll see how the "bagel dogs" cook. Took it easy today because I'm stiff from all of yesterday's hauling of heavy items and wanted to get ready for the lawyer meeting tomorrow morning.

I think today is Kiwi's exodus to Melbourne, Aus. from New Zealand. Air NZ has roundtrip(!) U.S. to NZ-and-Aus flights for $800 but I have to be able to book/pay by this Sunday, the 12th. That's not going to happen. It's getting chilly. Showers expected tomorrow and rain, though not thunderstorms, on Saturday.

Bad Night

Well it's 11:30am. I've been up awhile. I had the hardest time drifting off last night when I finally get back in bed for good. I woke up stiff, I'm wondering if I have too many blankets or if I'm just staying too immobile while sleeping because the cat is sharing the bed. Maybe both but it gets chilly at night. I'd like to take today "off" and basically piss it away. Really shouldn't, maybe a few hours of unwinding would be good though. Need to decide on breakfast. No new message from brother and it's too early for the mail to arrive. And yes, dear readers, the newspaper continues to arrive! They are first rate morons. Car might be ready tomorrow but I don't believe it. It's now three weeks since Mother passed and doesn't seem even close to so long. Incredible! It's also a month since the estimate was done on the car. Must fetch food.

Almost 4pm. I had a 'lean pizza' for breakfast. Just cheese. I'm already hungry. Been sorting. I've got Father's old room finished. Having been used for storage, it had things of mine literally going back 30 years. Have done some of my bedroom already. Cat seems bored today and nervous. She was hiding for awhile. Poor thing. Nothing came in the mail today except advertisements. I feel tired, will probably make it an early night and get more food in me.

It's coming up on 7pm. I'm eating chili from the grocery which has been in the fridge. Great stuff. Got the bed made in Father's room for (presumed) upcoming guest. I lugged full, heavy dresser drawers back to my room and put them away. I admit the sweating got to me so I stripped down to underpants until I finally cooled off. Cat came out to the kitchen, meowed and I'm like, "I don' t have cheese for you. It's not good for you. It makes you barf. I don't have usually have cheese with this chili, it doesn't need it." The chili was heating up. More meowing and bug-eyed looks and I say, "I'm dumb as a box of rocks." And then it hit me, "Oh! Do you want hair ball stuff?" So I get out the tube, fed her a strip and that satisfied her. I'm a little out of practice on my cat interpretative skill.

11:30pm. Did some emailing. Car made it into paint stage today! It could be ready by end of millennium if patient. Earlier pondered if I've treated computers/computing as a "false idol," will give this more attention in time. Vegas' dad doesn't like the bf. Parents often don't like paramours (or friends) picked by their offspring. However, I've found while it might seem unfair, unseemly or just wrong, in time they may be proven correct. That is one thing I thought of a week back or more: I won't have Mother to (help) evaluate any would-be mates. I've grown some, so perhaps I'll be OK on my own. Watched some AI4 clips of Anthony Fedorov; read he's got a bilingual (English/Spanish) CD coming out this year. Ukraine-born singer, turned American, singing Spanish? Hey! Why not?

I look at a clip of Anthony singing and begin to question my motives: did I like him because he's got a nice vocal tone, was it his look? With Clay Aiken it's clearly not his look, but he did have a charismatic way about him when on stage. I like Anthony's performance, look and vocals all around. I can't help but notice he seems to have a large pelvis. Something instinctive in me responds to that in a male be it Nick Carter or Lance Bass. I think it's a familial longing looking for that male-bonding relationship I didn't get. I've thought my brother is vaguely shaped that way. I told Vegas, in email, he's lucky to now be having adult-level conversations with his dad; I never got anywhere near that level. He worked, then he was ill and even my brother told me Father admitted he didn't "get" me. No secret that. He was rural-rooted. I was the product of an entirely different culture.

I didn't really have many adult-style conversations with Mother. That was something I intended to work on this year, alas I procrastinated too long. We talked about plenty of things: people, culture, politics, religion but it was all very rarely personalized. She didn't seem the type so things were often talked about abstractly. The SIL isn't that way. Totally opposite: it has to be personalized or it doesn't register, something she openly admits. Makes it hard for me to communicate effectively to her since I think I'm not that emotive in person. I'm bored. It's midnight here (depending on the clock I favor). I'm going to bed. Sweet dreams, readers!

Lovely Day?

Well there was some rain over night but it seems to be cleared out. It's 11am. Haven't eaten yet; slept terribly. The cat startled me once with a hacking and, really, I don't know what startled me awake later this morning but I woke up stiff and tired. Bah, what good is sleep then? Had a vague, nondescript dream.

Email from the SIL this morning, the newborn was diagnosed with a respiratory virus and is due to be seen at the regular clinic today to see if he should be admitted to hospital.

Today I'm going to be throwing things out, organizing and making some calls. When Father was near his final days he'd often pull a blanket over his head while siting up. I tried that today. It was too warm and I could still hear the world beyond. Damn.

1pm now, I played phone roulette and found out the one debt policy was "accidental death" so the estate is on the hook for that balance. It's not mammoth though it's certainly annoying. Definitely a disappointing turn. Found out Father still had that insurance but since it covered "family," thus her, that's why Mother left it alone--sending death certs. out so that's all cancelled properly now. At least the Feb. premium is being returned to the account since Mother was already passed and they've promised to return the certificates. Had some fruit snack things and brought up the empty bins. Not eaten properly though perhaps I will this hour. I'm feeling restless. And stupid. This whole situation feels asinine.

7pm now. I've just about got Father's old room sorted and organized. I've also begun on mine which requires relatively little organizing. This room here will be a royal pain. It's almost a pack rat paradise. I will take me awhile but I'll get it licked. Look like I'll have some money by month's end so I'll be in a position to service the estate's debts next month, eat and so forth. This month is still holding together amazingly enough. Duckie is wise to warn me not to invest if I can't get it back out; I'll ask the lawyer's opinion Friday. It's a sad reality that I don't have a great deal of trust in my brother. Part of me thinks it's been passed along but then I think well he never paid me back from my uni days when he (and the now SIL) needed rent money. And there's multiple years worth of plans that were blown off: things to do with the nephew, helping me do things here at the house, even clearing things out! I must be cautious but it's not my nature when it comes to money. I have eaten twice today now. Today was supposed to be a 'field trip' for nephew RL to SeaWorld. Brother was supposed to chaperone.

Much Work Ahead

Well, Brandon is tall and pleasant, a good grip. He seems like a good realtor to use except I'm rocked back about all the work ahead. Mother had wanted to tap a realtor who puts his own money and workmen into getting a property market ready such as our neighbor used. I think a lot depends on how much can be accomplished. He'd like to have the house in the market for May because summer is peak.

At a minimum there's carpet to buy, doors to hang, painting to do, landscaping to purchase, ceilings to scrape, lighting to change out, finish work to do, tile to install, dish washer to hookup, sprinkler systems to install... (more detail below)

He suggested changing the windows, which Mother and I were pondering, and possibly some demolition of a half wall Father'd put in as well. I was supposed to demo it before the carpet went in a few years back but I simply ran out of time.

While we're in "good shape" on many things, we're also looking at investing. Let me correct that, it seems I'm looking at investing into the house. I know my brother is very keen on holding the car but ugh... It seems I'll have to put some of the insurance money into this situation; there seem few alternatives. Here comes to mail. Let's hope for good news such as no new bills.

Mother of God! I've been summoned for jury duty and more crazy crap came to the estate including one debt which I understood was covered by a cardholder policy. I want to scream but I'd scare the cat.

Seems the nephews and niece are sick. The infant is going off to the clinic tonight. I hate that kind of news. More stresses. That urgent care clinic is always so busy and the care I had there has not always been good, accurate or what have you.

I was nervous today, mind full of things and felt overwhelmed when the realtor left.

Sleep was fair but I had a navy / hospital dream. Didn't eat until about 3pm. Eating again now. It's after 7pm.

Rain is due tonight and for the weekend. We'd considered a yard sale for the weekend so that's looking less likely.

Let me see if I have this down: we'll need sprinklers installed, both bathrooms painted, the bath fans should be replaced, two bedrooms painted, carpet put down, flooring put down, all old landscaping removed, new landscaping put in, painting the fencing outside... and essentially cleared out the house for market. Need "new" sliding door to bridge to the edition--got a quote once, $2000 installed. He highly recommended scraping off the "popcorn" / "cottage cheese" ceiling texture. Great. Fine, it's truly fugly and impossible to paint but I don't want to do that myself because I've had a history of breathing issues and am allergic to dust. That can wait until late stage. That maybe worth hiring out.

He also suggested replacing some (or all) windows. Mother and I talked about that but knew that's going to be some real money. Could get free quotes I suppose. Sure it'll come back out of the sale of the house (in theory) but come on people!

This was all so much easier when I knew Mother had her regular income to put towards these things for her house. She was going to paint the fencing herself by brush, I'd remove the iron one section at a time for her.

Now that I'll be theoretically "loaning" money to the estate (or whatever), I feel like I've been smacked in the forehead. Then again, I did smack myself in the forehead earlier today as punishment for having missed one phone number to call about Mother's final due income.

I'm a little numb. And bewildered.

Wonder if the evil builder came to see Duckie's flooding / mess. *sigh*

Want To Bang My Head

So I just got email (past noon) from my brother: "I’ll be out in the morning between not feeling well and no sleep I don’t feel up to it." So I'm like WTF? You weren't coming out here today anyway. So I called. He is coming tomorrow and thought I might be looking for him to come out today. Well, uh... no?

Guess I'll find some quick grub and work on cleaning out a bedroom. I do so much wish I had company though. Getting up is the most difficult thing now; still feeling overwhelmed first thing when I dash off to the bath for the morning routine.

Sleeps coming more easily. Eating, once I settle on the meal is pretty OK. I'm not taking hours to finish a meal these days like the first week or so.

It's later now, got a call from my brother tonight. Maybe he thought I was bugging out after reading my email. All I did was go over some of the cleaning I'd done and give a few estimates on time. I admitted there are things I simply don't know what to do about like boxes full of books.

Anyway, you probably know how the Oscars went. Went about how I expected. Here's a bit of humor in the form of a Bunny Parody of Brokeback Mtn.

Slow Going

Didn't blog Friday. Other than running some numbers and taking an early night, not much happened. Vegas won't be available now until at least the 11th. Some neighbors in back had a party last night which was pretty loud; not enough to wake the dead. Cat spooked a couple times in the night.

Woke up startled today. Weekends are unnerving. I think, "Oh, I'll go into room X and sort things out," and just not do it yet. I'm wrestling with feelings of being overwhelmed. Monday's realtor visit will be instructional. Chatted with Dutch Tommie and he cautioned me about over doing it. I'm pretty 'easy' and can see myself biting off more than I can chew. Ought to have my brother's real physical involvement; Mother would (and did) say 'help' is a word in a dictionary.

It's fair to expect his involvement if only because pay out from the home sale will be the same for us both. It's also understandable he's not available a lot due to his working and having taken on a newborn. Understandable doesn't make it palatable. Thus why I feel blessed if Vegas can come over and help me organize and trash. It's clear that I'll be in very difficult financial shape if no insurance money is available by month's end. Should happen, though. I'm skeptically optimistic. I'm still battling a fight-or-flight instinct with urges to run-and-avoid. Been talking to the house/Mother and the cat looks at me wondering who I'm talking to. She's in Mother's room right now. I told her again I feel bad more wasn't known sooner. Now she's yowling.

I have done lots of pre-thinking about the next 6-12 months. I'd like to avoid apartment living but I'll take it if it's the right thing short-term. I'd like to actually be able to move into a place but it seems bizarre to move into a home, accept a mortgage until I know where I want to be. I looked at what's in the Tennessee town my uncle's moving to. It's dirt cheap to buy housing but there's just not much there in terms of infrastructure. Mind you, I'm used to city (ok, suburban) living.

I'm liking the idea of moving into Duckie's basement (except he doesn't have one).

Food was pretty good, a balsamic chicken and rice. The rice was a bit watery but it filled the hole. Today is the neighbor's wedding anniversary. Think I'll have an early night and try to be on late to chat.

Sleep Improves

Sleep was pretty good last night. No dreams come to mind and it was generally restful. I had more to eat yesterday than most days with three light meals instead of just two. But I woke up a mess again. The brain barely registered an awake state and it was already off racing over what needs doing.

There's not a lot I can accomplish, it feels, although I could sort the house which is a monumentally gargantuan undertaking. There's a part of me which is a bit paranoid about wanting more income at hand but I don't know if I can take another round of ebay just yet. I need to have a decent breakfast. I have had some Batman fruit snack things we'd gotten for the nephew when he came over but that was so rare we ended up with things just sitting around. *sigh*

I was thinking how much I'd have liked to known about this situation one year ago, the house could've been sorted out and virtually market ready. Finances would've been on firmer footing. Of course such thinking is helpless. I'm here today, in this moment and this circumstance. I hate filling out the claim forms because there's no way you can know some of what they ask so you have to call customer service. Fortunately the one I was working on had customer service that was *gasp* helpful. You may discover sometimes they can't give you information or sometimes they want stupid information. Or they'll claim to have included an envelope and didn't. One form wanted to know the date Mother last worked. Uh... sure. She hadn't worked outside the home in over 30 years, but I'll ask her for the date she last held a job the next chance I get. Duh! Oh and yes friends, another newspaper was in the drive today. I called and registered a complaint.

I just need to muddle through. It might be ugly but so what, right? There are no points off for neatness and form.

Kitty got up to eat. I think I'll grab something too. I am actually hungry.

Mother Warned Me

She warned me to watch my back. Good advice.

It seems my brother wants to strategize to keep the car (he could use a second vehicle) and proposed I use insurance money to pay the estate's bills until the house is sold and I can get paid back out of the estate. Rather than part with the car which would give us a lot more of the estate's funds to work with. I'd be open to keeping the car if possible but I'm content to sell it. I did wonder if there might be an alternative. I'm trying to wrestle with what is possible and what I think Mother'd have wanted. For example: if I find any, do I keep her silver set? She'd want me to keep it.

I think my parameter is if it comes down to keeping or selling, if I already know what she wanted I'll go that route, there are some things she did not want the SIL to have (her knives, for example, so she bought the SIL her own set one holiday) so if it becomes a problem and I can't buy out my brother's interest, I suppose we just sell. I want to honor those wishes. Brother's allowing me to keep Father's burial flag and Mother's wedding ring set. I want the flag because it was important to Mother and the wedding ring set would perhaps traditionally go to me for my future wife but I wanted it because she effectively never went out anywhere without it even when a widow. If there was any single possession that represents her it's that ring.

I originally considered using insurance money left to me as an ultimate last resort to keep the estate's creditors placated until the house is sold but going right to that nuclear option seems disturbing at best. I pretty quickly I realized Mother would not want that and it's not my legal obligation to do so. I'll endeavor to avoid the urge.

I made a great mistake telling him about the larger policy. Not only human, but a strategic error. That's a bottle I'd love to re-cork. My uncle warned me about being too free with information.

Yikes. I just saw a mouse at the window. Just what I didn't need to see. I'll put bait out I guess and alert my neighbor.

I've invited Vegas over in a couple weeks to help me clear the house out. He's very willing; I'm quite fortunate to have this friend nearby. Ok, nearby isn't so near but at least we're on the same continent! I've invited him to stay at the house. I'll fix a spare room for him to use.

Thought I'd Feel Better

With bills no quite as pressing and paperwork mailed off I thought I'd feel better today. I slept passably and had an odd dream of walking around unfamiliar places with my brother. Sometimes outdoors (desert, night time), sometimes not. I didn't know where I was going. There were lots of folks around who didn't know any better than I did. Talked a bit in the dream about personal property we might part with.

I haven't felt better today. I've had breakfast but I'm feeling quite nervous. The phone rang once; it was a political recording. I have a restless leg today. The kitty is sleeping in my room. I fed the fish. Mother is in the lounge / living room. Why don't I feel more calm today?