On Edge

I'm on edge. It seems I'm always on edge these days when I wake up. I felt really good when I woke at 5am. I had 4 hours sleep then and decided I should get more. Ugh. The longer I stayed in bed, the more tossing and turning and more on edge I felt. Finally I got out of bed when I heard neighbor mowing his lawn.

I've puttered around so far. Still can't find soldering iron. Haven't called on advance. I'm worried Brother won't get Mother's savings out of that account and moved to the estate account so I can pay myself back some of the money I've used for the estate.

Cripes. I just found a soldering tool. Maybe? It was right next to me in a drawer. I'm not sure how this one works though, it doesn't seem to plug-in to an outlet. That's disturbing.

Now 1pm. OK, that wasn't a soldering tool but neighbor had one he thinks could be 50 years old. It worked. I even singed my finger testing it. The light is working and installed. Yay me!

There's emergency equipment outside. I think I'll investigate!

Looks like a house fire about a couple of blocks north. :(

It's quarter past 1pm. Not sure what to do with my day now. Should start the advance process but I continue to resist even though I know it has to be done because insurance hasn't (yet?) paid. Sigh. I hate all the demands for money. It's like a coloney of ants gnawing at your flesh if you haven't reached a threshold of financial independence / freedom.

I cleared out part of another flower box and managed to get the debris packed into a bin. All the bins are full again. Earlier this afternoon I packed more of the landscape debris from the driveway into the bins. I think there's a good chance with one more week of full bins and I'll have gotten rid of that unwanted vegetation.

I think it's becoming clear that I can't... err... I shouldn't continue living alone long term. At the very least I should take an outside job to ensure some level of human contact because whether I stay in the house or not, it'll be bad for my mental health to remain isolated. Visiting with neighbor is clearly just a stop-gap. The cat is nice when it purrs but she just isn't much for conversation. I think my disturbance when I wake up is facing the social emptiness. I'll then throw myself into projects to avoid thinking about that, to avoid the idle hands problem and then night will come. Maybe tomorrow night I'll visit with neighbor. I haven't heard anything from Brother yet about his having withdrawn Mother's savings to deposit in the new estate account.

When this year began I had this great arc planned out, things I wanted to talk with Mother about, make efforts to build an outside social life, etc. Duckie accused me of moping in email but he was at work so he was probably just irrated by annoying customers. I'm not moping, I'm coping. I'm aware of my place, my struggle. I puzzle about it, I battle myself over it. I try to stay active, I'm getting my meals and meds. It's just a challenging situation to not have a physically present social network to depend upon or reinvigorate me. This is part of why I want to travel fairly soon. I could go bug Vegas and just disengage, unplug for a bit from the estate. The neighbor has remarked how it would be nice if I could've been part of RL's baseball season. There's a certain shamefulness in how I've continued to be marginalized by Brother and SIL. Doesn't say too much for this family's bonds.

Cat seems to want me to sleep. I just might but I was going to have something else to eat. Wonder what Clay sang on the Idol finale... maybe I'll look that up.