Grrr...

It's Monday, a public holiday (Memorial Day) so there's not all that much happening. Tuesday will be key. I'm going with Brother to get Mother's savings and then I'll be able to pay myself back a little for things I have paid for the estate. That's good because I need that money to meet my June bills. I can't believe June is coming already. That will mean more obnoxious kids out of school making noise and one month closer to Mother's birthday.

I'm depressed. Very depressed today. I slept passably, no clearly memorable dream. I woke up in a very downbeat mood. The cat climbed on top of me so I didn't get out of bed until after noon. For some reason she stayed in the bed all night near my feet instead of moving to her chair. I need to clean cat box today. I promised. I put flag out before I went to bed around 4am. Sure I "miss" Mother but over all it's the oppressiveness of her absense that's gnawing at me. I shouldn't be alone so much. I see that if I can keep my hands busy I get distracted and only when night falls do I risk a depressed mood again. That's often when I'll go online to chat. Maybe tonight I'll sleep earlier since Brother will be here probably during the 9am hour for the 10am appointment. I could stalk Duckie online for awhile.

It's odd. I've long been a fairly solitary character and now I find some cravings for human contact. I'm sad and don't like what I see ahead for my life: long distractions until Death finally comes... I can see myself becoming a workaholic like Father and Brother. But I think that will only happen while I lack companionship. All I need, going ahead, is income. I worry about being able to attain outside work that will bring a sense of worth to my life. I'm very hard on myself and still feel blame for Mother's passing, my lack of saved capital and so forth. I just want to go away. Part of me has a desire to do compassionate work, perhaps something with the "gay community" or maybe I'll end up sleeping in a doorway down town. I wish the Duckie was here (or I was in his basement). We could keep each other company!

As much as I might, on some level, like to keep this house I think it's an unrealistic proposition. I hate the mental anguish often involved with living. It's just so hard to imagine for the rest of my life I will have no parent to turn to and share events with. This is not what I had expected this year. I hate it. The disruption makes me feel like I was hit upside the head with a baseball bat. As usual my mood will improve with more nutrition and activity until finally the hour comes where I can sleep and avoid things.

4pm now. My mood improved after one meal but I'm sullen after working on the wallboard. There are airbubbles showing under the tape! Grrr. So I'm going to wait until I can get neighbor here to advise me. I also am concerned about the money sitation for the estate. Maybe I won't be able to pay myself back even as much as I hoped. Damn it! Well, I'll do my best. I'm pretty sure I can stay ahead of the curve but it won't be a snap. I really don't want to ask my uncle for help again. *sigh*

5:30pm. Neighbor was watering his lawn. We chatted. He wants to borrow extension ladder tomorrow so he can see if he can use it to further trim his cyprus things. He said his wife had bad night but got up at 11am today so that is good. We watched other neighbors toss a football around. They seem to have had a gathering for Memorial Day. This is the unofficial start of summer in the States. Radio shows have been repeats and guest hosts. Very annoying and talking about Iraq! Not sure how early I will turn in. Mood is OK. Must get "enough" sleep for tomorrow and need to decide what to wear for the banking meetings too. There are shirts I think I can wear again now because of weight loss. I am a bit concerned about cat. She has basically spent all day in my bed, not gotten up. She probably will decide to come meow at me.

8pm. Sun has gone down. I might nap awhile. Feel drowsy. There is Everwood tonight. There is two more shows after tonight although I don't know if it will be two parts or two hours. Nap is a good idea. I will go try that!