Bizarre Saturday

I had a horrible time sleeping. Tossing and turning, too warm, uncomfortable... ugh. I didn't go to the home owner's association meeting. I saw 9am (meeting at 10am) and said forget it. I was behind on sleep anyway. I didn't finally get productive until 1pm when I started cutting moulding for Father's old room. Then I put that stuff away and did some sanding and cleaning of the entry door for when it gets painted. Neighbor wandered over. He had asked earlier about the extension ladder. I got the ladder out, we looked at it a bit. We chatted.

He said he couldn't believe he was kicking himself over $100 after spending thousands to bail his daughter out on her SUV. He paid the $20K balance off for her. He's right that for that kind of money he could've gotten his kitchen redone and new carpet. But, hey, I'm no different. I debate purchases for myself a lot and have at times regretted them.

I guess Brother is coming over tomorrow. We don't need to get into a fist fight or anything. Neighbor says this house isn't worth it. He talked of not having a good relationship with his brother and his regrets. His brother was 13 yrs older than he, had a wife who didn't like neighbor and so they didn't really connect. That brother passed away. I understand in the abstract that he's saying but Brother needs to meet me somewhere other than entirely on his terms.

It's obvious SIL doesn't like me. Whatever. She's always treated Brother's family like 3rd class while always kissing her own adoptive parent's butts no matter how abusive they got. I tried to break the ice with her but she just seems so pushy and incapable of listening to facts. As such she insists the estate has no hope of paying its debts which is beyond bogus. Even Brother says he won't talk to her about the estate. I don't blame him. She offered to get quotes on carpet. I'm still waiting on that.

I'm very disappointed that I'm not in financial shape to move on. I thought the insurance would have been resolved by now but still not a word from them. I'll have to (or we will have to) take an inheritance advance because I don't have money to keep putting into the house. In fact, I've got under $300 which won't cover my June bills. Wouldn't have been the case if I hadn't paid Mother's tax bill. I'd like to not have to borrow money to live on for June but would rather pay myself back some of what I've spent from Mother's savings. I've been considering taking a low-end job but I don't want that distraction while still working on the house because that'll push sale time even further since I've been the slavish worker droid.

I need to eat more. These past few days I think I've been cutting corners too closely. Need to try to take care of myself. I'm just not very good at that. I think of myself as piggish and lazy. If I wasn't so lazy I would've had all of this stuff done a year or two ago. I feel like a mammoth failure. I part blame myself for Mother's passing. I feel like I'm being punished for "honor thy father & mother." If I'd been a "normal" child I would've had my own life like Brother and never lift a finger to help parents and would get money from house sale with having done no work. If I had made my own career with millions I could've paid all estate debts.

I also blame myself for not being on top of getting Mother's final documents in order so her wishes could be filled.