Disaster! Avoided?

Well, today was a good-ish day. Not perfect though. I felt good at 5am but decided I could sleep longer. I woke up later and felt crazy and had to rush to the toilet. Sigh. I got extension ladder out for neighbor and put out a few pipe clamps too. Neighbor was getting out his mower and I stepped over to talk to him about ladder and clamps. Brother had already arrived. We left for banking appointment.

We parked in 10 minute parking but I figured that probably wasn't going to be long enough. It wasn't. It took an hour longer! But no ticket. Mother (and Father) probably interceded! Mother would've said, "They wouldn't dare ticket!" The space Mother always used was open too. Anyway, I swear that place is crazy. The woman we dealt with is OK and nice but her spot is basically the reception spot so people kept interrupting. That is insane place to put someone working with customers! Also, she had to go the long way around because there is no gate for her to get to the printer easily. And they needed all kinds of identification stuff: photo ID, bill, credit card... craziness. Regular bank didn't need that. There is sign mentioning Patriot Act and ID requirements so that's probably why the crazy demands. Or they are just anal? Could be. Anyway... Brother was put first but we're both on account. Amazing that the stuff had to be written by hand and then added to computer. Other bank it was fast and all right on computer except signature cards. Anyway, I was able to get a cup of water to entertain myself with.

We got the new account set up under estate title and our names on it and found out the Visa account with them was not covered. *sigh* That would've been nice, $8000 less to pay! I think Father probably didn't do that when he opened it because it seems strange Mother would not have since she loved to insure accounts. Oh well. Anyway, automatic payments will be made on same basis Mother had done except we lowered the payment to $100 instead of $120 which is still above the minimum. We then took out most of the savings in the new checking account. That account was supposedly "free" but we got charged $5 because both of us are on it. What a crazy thing! I didn't want to order checks because that had more fee and we knew we weren't going to write checks from that account anyway. We had the temp checks. We then escaped and went to regular bank. Manager was out to lunch so we walked to fast food. Brother made me pay because I am rich and powerful (he thinks like duckie!). My order was wrong but I ate it anyway. I wanted turkey and ended up with ham, bacon and something just like Brother. I ate pork! Now I am unclean! :D

We then went back to bank and manager was back. Brother said experience was painless! It was. Brother signed signature card, we got stamp for selling stock (free!), and deposit was made. Then it was back to house so I could fetch bills and go to post office for stamps and bill paying. I got money orders and stamps but was sure I forgot something. When I was doing bills I remembered the one I forgot and got back in line. I don't even remember putting the bills in a mail slot. I guess Brother did that for me while I was waiting to get another money order. It was then to home improvement to look at paint and random items. I got appliance paint for the range hood to make it white instead of the cream-tan it is now. I saw "frost glass" paint and got for neighbor since he wanted it and didn't see it when he went there on weekend. We came back to house, I put on walking shorts and took paint to neighbors. He had to take grandson to baseball but seemed appreciative.

Day was OK. Am short on paying mortgage but have half-a-month to get more money together. Glad most bills are paid. Worst case I can put mortgage on credit card like a crazy person to avoid late fee. :P

Tired. Put all bins out for pick up tomorrow. Cat was angry over night but I don't know why. She is mean to me? :( I can feel less paranoid! Money is in bank for Mother's auto-bill pay tomorrow, most of my bills are paid for June and June hasn't yet come even in Duckie-land Down Under! Tomorrow I will call for advance unless mail brings news from insurance that it is being paid. Not sure what to eat for dinner since lunch was not pre-planned meal. I had forgotten to take my yogurt with me so I had to throw it out when I got back. It was only half-eaten. *sigh* :(

Brother says I am not crazy if I want to buy house? Agrees Mother would say, "RUN! Why would you want to stay there?!," though. Talked to him more about Mother's plans for this year. He still agrees there is something "wrong" with situation and that death was not expected. He thought she was good for 10-15 more years. I said I used to tell her, "If you only live to be as old as your Mother..." and she didn't even made it to 72 much less 85! In January she was talking of buying new truck. Had travel plans for Phoenix, Vegas & Europe plus moving! Instead, the next month we were arranging burial! Crazy assed! Ooo I see the mail person! I must take him my outgoing mail.

I might blog later if I am bored or something good/bad happens.

It is 1am (Wed). Mail was lame? Mostly junk. I went to neighbor's for a couple hours. That time went quickly. His wife kept asking about Mother. :( She seemed v confused tonight. More than other days. Kept saying she didn't know where husband went but I think she meant grandson and then she didn't remember grandson had left for the night. Neighbor tricked her by saying he had gone to groceries and gotten chips for her. He then got her bowl of chips. That seemed to put her at ease. Very sad. I guess she had a bad/weird dream too which he was hoping she would forget and I guess she did. Neighbor was upset because grandson had platic bag with his baseball gear that had lots of bills and things. Stuff neighbor thought was closed or paid off. He wasn't very clear. He might say more another day. He didn't seem to have a good night. Seemed really tired. Grandson has game on Wednesday so he will be back. Life around here is kind of unusual. I understand it but it just seems to tortured! The dead and the dying, stress... it's all crazy assed! Terrorists should come and euthanize us so there is no pain! Living is pain! Pain in the bum! :D

Duckie is online but seems to be ignoring me? I don't know why he has gone silent. Maybe he is passed out on floor with empty bottle?

Grrr...

It's Monday, a public holiday (Memorial Day) so there's not all that much happening. Tuesday will be key. I'm going with Brother to get Mother's savings and then I'll be able to pay myself back a little for things I have paid for the estate. That's good because I need that money to meet my June bills. I can't believe June is coming already. That will mean more obnoxious kids out of school making noise and one month closer to Mother's birthday.

I'm depressed. Very depressed today. I slept passably, no clearly memorable dream. I woke up in a very downbeat mood. The cat climbed on top of me so I didn't get out of bed until after noon. For some reason she stayed in the bed all night near my feet instead of moving to her chair. I need to clean cat box today. I promised. I put flag out before I went to bed around 4am. Sure I "miss" Mother but over all it's the oppressiveness of her absense that's gnawing at me. I shouldn't be alone so much. I see that if I can keep my hands busy I get distracted and only when night falls do I risk a depressed mood again. That's often when I'll go online to chat. Maybe tonight I'll sleep earlier since Brother will be here probably during the 9am hour for the 10am appointment. I could stalk Duckie online for awhile.

It's odd. I've long been a fairly solitary character and now I find some cravings for human contact. I'm sad and don't like what I see ahead for my life: long distractions until Death finally comes... I can see myself becoming a workaholic like Father and Brother. But I think that will only happen while I lack companionship. All I need, going ahead, is income. I worry about being able to attain outside work that will bring a sense of worth to my life. I'm very hard on myself and still feel blame for Mother's passing, my lack of saved capital and so forth. I just want to go away. Part of me has a desire to do compassionate work, perhaps something with the "gay community" or maybe I'll end up sleeping in a doorway down town. I wish the Duckie was here (or I was in his basement). We could keep each other company!

As much as I might, on some level, like to keep this house I think it's an unrealistic proposition. I hate the mental anguish often involved with living. It's just so hard to imagine for the rest of my life I will have no parent to turn to and share events with. This is not what I had expected this year. I hate it. The disruption makes me feel like I was hit upside the head with a baseball bat. As usual my mood will improve with more nutrition and activity until finally the hour comes where I can sleep and avoid things.

4pm now. My mood improved after one meal but I'm sullen after working on the wallboard. There are airbubbles showing under the tape! Grrr. So I'm going to wait until I can get neighbor here to advise me. I also am concerned about the money sitation for the estate. Maybe I won't be able to pay myself back even as much as I hoped. Damn it! Well, I'll do my best. I'm pretty sure I can stay ahead of the curve but it won't be a snap. I really don't want to ask my uncle for help again. *sigh*

5:30pm. Neighbor was watering his lawn. We chatted. He wants to borrow extension ladder tomorrow so he can see if he can use it to further trim his cyprus things. He said his wife had bad night but got up at 11am today so that is good. We watched other neighbors toss a football around. They seem to have had a gathering for Memorial Day. This is the unofficial start of summer in the States. Radio shows have been repeats and guest hosts. Very annoying and talking about Iraq! Not sure how early I will turn in. Mood is OK. Must get "enough" sleep for tomorrow and need to decide what to wear for the banking meetings too. There are shirts I think I can wear again now because of weight loss. I am a bit concerned about cat. She has basically spent all day in my bed, not gotten up. She probably will decide to come meow at me.

8pm. Sun has gone down. I might nap awhile. Feel drowsy. There is Everwood tonight. There is two more shows after tonight although I don't know if it will be two parts or two hours. Nap is a good idea. I will go try that!

All Lies?

So... it is Saturday. Brother called? Can you guess? YES! You are smart! He had to verk. He said cops called to say 'bus is leaking diesel'. Fun!

That is OK. I really wasn't in the mood to have him over anyway. He is going out of town (guess?) to a baseball game probably with RL. That will be good for RL! It has been cloudy today. No threat of rain though. Too bad.

I did some painting. There was caulking that I did ages ago to fix stucco cracks around windows and things and I painted that over finally. I have gotten less afraid of doing things since it has been necessary to do these things. I made a chocolate milk breakfast drink around noon and saw neighbor was wandering over so I met him outside. He apologized for not calling back last night. He didn't get message. That was OK. I figured he was busy with wife and he was.

Radio is boring? They are talking about spanking. The more you spank, the less fear child has over spanking. That makes sense. I am not sure if I got spanked. I don't remember? Father was brutish! Huge and strong? Would probably snap me in two? :D Now I am bored. It is just after 3pm. I also did more finish work on moulding with wood putty. I am almost out though! Neighbor thinks wallboard taping is going OK? He told me don't be afraid to use lots! He has seen that I am afraid of wasting product! :D

Between Grandmother saying, "if you break it I'm not buying you another one" and Father obsessing over not wasting food is it a surprise? Brother still says he is having problem with that. If there is leftovers he will eat them. If the kids leave food, he will eat that too. Eat, eat, eat. He has gained weight. Maybe he has gained the weight I have lost? :D Also everyone is packrat? I have sewing materials older than I am from Grandmother? Neighbor throws things out at end of projects so it doesn't collect. I always keep "just in case" and end up drowning in stuff! My keeping things have not been bad because am still doing work on house and kept things have come in handy. Even when I saw moulding I keep all cut off pieces until done with moulding install completely. And I keep pieces and label them so there is record in case I need to buy more. I have bits of carpet, paint chips and flooring too. It is important to keep records of materials used.

Neighbor was trying to talk me out of doing expensive things like removing the acoustic texture (popcorn / cottage cheese) from the ceiling. Maybe he wants to get rid of me quicker? :D

Mail is here. I wonder if there is good mail today or just junk for election? It was mostly junk and one bill. Meh.

Small update because Duckie never reads the blog anymore. Ha! Went next door. Saw cooking show (it made me wish I had someone to cook for) and "Most Wanted" too. And some news. Neighbors seemed tired. Neighbor's wife said she liked me and asked again when Mother is coming home. I think she's just glad to have the added company. On Sunday neighbor said she had refused to get up and it was almost 4pm. Sad! I did random things in the house. Sanding, other finish work type things. I stayed up until 5am because I wasn't tired? Cat is angry because I didn't let her sleep in bedroom. :/ The rest of the day was blur. I took a walk. Thought about Mother. Put flag out for holiday weekend. Will put it out again Monday which is official day of observance. Now Duckie is online so I should talk to him!

Just A Dream?

So I had a weird dream that there were dozens or hundreds of messages on the phone answering machine. I happened to check it later in the day because I'd ignored a computerized ad from a cell phone company. I was surprised to see another message. It seems the banking entity with Mother's savings called on Thursday. I guess it was while I was mowing. But I wonder if my subconscious picked up the phone ringing and was trying to tell me something in that dream.

Anyway... I returned that call which meant leaving a message. I got a call back later after Brother called to tell me he couldn't get savings without me because of the court documents and their policy. So we are going Tuesday morning to take care of that. Monday is a public holiday in the States. At least Brother finally did something about that account. The crazy thing is we apparently have to open a new account for the estate there, move the money and then take it out! And for some reason I need to bring a billing statement, credit card and photo ID for proof of who I am. That's more ID than I ever needed for anything. It's not like I'm asking to access nuclear secrets! I guess they are just paranoid.

I got up at a fair hour. I was surprised the neighbor wasn't outside. Eventually he came out to do some watering. I decided to tape and mud the wallboard. The tape I have is crap. It doesn't have adhesive so it's held on by the spackling which dries fast so... well... I got it up there and it's drying overnight. It looks like crap but there's still sanding and a couple of coats ahead, plus the spray texture and eventually paint. It'll be fine. I'll make it fine damn it!

I also found instructions for installing the French doors. They were stapled to the top of the frame. Who is going to look there?? Well, I guess I did. I'm annoyed at the doors. I guess "left handed opening" means it's the left hand when you come in from outside! How stupid! So now I'm annoyed with the doors. I either have to put them in backwards with the outside facing in or just throw myself under a bus. I don't want to return the silly doors--I'll figure something out?! (OMG it is TEH DUCKIE ONLINE!)

I called neighbor and left message. Thought I could visit this evening but didn't get a call back. Don't know if he saw the message but he probably had a bad evening. I managed to barely entertain myself instead.

Thursday. Now what?

Well, I got up kind of early today. Sleep was not too bad. I spent a bit of time outside just talked with neighbor while he watered. It was sunny, warm and there was a good breeze. I just didn't feel like doing anything. Eventually I did. I mowed the front "lawn" and took the roots out of the flower box I cleared out. I got bored so I sprayed weeds growing in the sidewalk of houses to the south and even scraped some of them out with a shovel.

I felt better after I had a little exercise but I needed another meal before I didn't feel drained and ready to nap in the flower box again. I thought I'd see neighbor later in the day. He had planned to bring his wife out front for awhile but I didn't see him outside again all day.

Brother emailed with the tax number for the estate. I didn't tell him we got that more than a week ago from the lawyer but that's OK. He says he could be out on Saturday. I went online a bit to chat but it's dead tonight.

Clay Aiken was on the Idol season 5 finale last night. He has different hair. Don't like it. I watched the segment. I don't know the set-up but there was an award given to best impersonator and someone impersonating Clay "won" and was asked to sing. Clay then came out and took over singing "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me" which was the song that won him the "viewers choice" spot in the wildcard round making him the last picked contestant that season. Being cynical I noticed the "impersonator" said, "I'm game," when asked if he would sing. The host repeated that at least twice and the impersonator was very campy. I think this was all a setup poke at the "Clay is gay" allegations in tabloids at the beginning of the year and an attempt to shore up his fan base ahead of a new album release.

On Edge

I'm on edge. It seems I'm always on edge these days when I wake up. I felt really good when I woke at 5am. I had 4 hours sleep then and decided I should get more. Ugh. The longer I stayed in bed, the more tossing and turning and more on edge I felt. Finally I got out of bed when I heard neighbor mowing his lawn.

I've puttered around so far. Still can't find soldering iron. Haven't called on advance. I'm worried Brother won't get Mother's savings out of that account and moved to the estate account so I can pay myself back some of the money I've used for the estate.

Cripes. I just found a soldering tool. Maybe? It was right next to me in a drawer. I'm not sure how this one works though, it doesn't seem to plug-in to an outlet. That's disturbing.

Now 1pm. OK, that wasn't a soldering tool but neighbor had one he thinks could be 50 years old. It worked. I even singed my finger testing it. The light is working and installed. Yay me!

There's emergency equipment outside. I think I'll investigate!

Looks like a house fire about a couple of blocks north. :(

It's quarter past 1pm. Not sure what to do with my day now. Should start the advance process but I continue to resist even though I know it has to be done because insurance hasn't (yet?) paid. Sigh. I hate all the demands for money. It's like a coloney of ants gnawing at your flesh if you haven't reached a threshold of financial independence / freedom.

I cleared out part of another flower box and managed to get the debris packed into a bin. All the bins are full again. Earlier this afternoon I packed more of the landscape debris from the driveway into the bins. I think there's a good chance with one more week of full bins and I'll have gotten rid of that unwanted vegetation.

I think it's becoming clear that I can't... err... I shouldn't continue living alone long term. At the very least I should take an outside job to ensure some level of human contact because whether I stay in the house or not, it'll be bad for my mental health to remain isolated. Visiting with neighbor is clearly just a stop-gap. The cat is nice when it purrs but she just isn't much for conversation. I think my disturbance when I wake up is facing the social emptiness. I'll then throw myself into projects to avoid thinking about that, to avoid the idle hands problem and then night will come. Maybe tomorrow night I'll visit with neighbor. I haven't heard anything from Brother yet about his having withdrawn Mother's savings to deposit in the new estate account.

When this year began I had this great arc planned out, things I wanted to talk with Mother about, make efforts to build an outside social life, etc. Duckie accused me of moping in email but he was at work so he was probably just irrated by annoying customers. I'm not moping, I'm coping. I'm aware of my place, my struggle. I puzzle about it, I battle myself over it. I try to stay active, I'm getting my meals and meds. It's just a challenging situation to not have a physically present social network to depend upon or reinvigorate me. This is part of why I want to travel fairly soon. I could go bug Vegas and just disengage, unplug for a bit from the estate. The neighbor has remarked how it would be nice if I could've been part of RL's baseball season. There's a certain shamefulness in how I've continued to be marginalized by Brother and SIL. Doesn't say too much for this family's bonds.

Cat seems to want me to sleep. I just might but I was going to have something else to eat. Wonder what Clay sang on the Idol finale... maybe I'll look that up.

Quiet Tuesday...

I slept better I guess but still woke up too many times. Not sure why. I didn't do too much today. I was looking for my soldering iron and didn't find it. I couldn't find Father's either. Might ask neighbor if he has one. Mother was going to buy me one of those cool-to-touch ones last year but I talked her out of it. *sigh*

This evening (it's 7pm) I filled one bin with yard debris that's been in the drive way. I'll be glad when the driveway is cleared out.

Neighbor introduced me to the woman on the corner who has been having work done. She's very lovely and her property has really looked nice too. I also met her handyman. Maybe I'll use him. I'll want to brush up on my Spanish after just swearing off use of my foreign language skills. He's actually living in Mexico and commutes like thousands of others. Good for him! His work comes highly recommended. He's got a lot of projects ahead of him so work I might have might not fit into the schedule. Anyway, that was pleasant.

I just saw neighbor's daughter drive off. I'm surprised to see her out here on a Tuesday. Neighbor seemed different today. Not sure what exactly was different. He seemed cheery but distant. Of course he said his wife's protime was way off (blood too thin). I remember those days with Father.

11pm. I've heard to clips from tonight's "American Idol 5" finale. Hicks did a lousy job on Elton John's "Levon" but buzz is he'll win. I pigged out and ate a whole canister of Pringles potato crisps. I'm very bloated tonight but I think that's from the lactic acid in the milk I'm using because lactose-free is twice as expensive as regular milk. Or maybe it's the bottle carbonated water? Or both? I still have to catch up with Monday's "Everwood" episode. Not sure if I'll do that tonight. No reason not to I guess.

It's after midnight but I just finished watching "Everwood" and it was a good episode. I don't usually like Charles Durning but he played that old guy fine. I was right who they are killing off. It's a shame too. *sigh* How stupid is it such a nicely written and acted program got cut!? Grrr.

Monday Blahs

I slept fair, not great. I had a weird dream about Las Vegas and the hotel resort "NY, NY" and an earthquake. No clues whatsoever what it means.

Cleaned the catbox, refilled water and food for Kitty. Fed fish. Fed self. Mail was mostly junk but Mother keeps getting a billing statement for a cancelled credit card with zero balance. These kinds of things are just mind-numbingly dumb. Nothing from the insurance. I resolved to take a day off but that didn't last. I did a bit of flooring work and might nail in the moulding since I'm just not feeling perky today and don't want to get depressed tonight. It's Everwood night though.

Last week Ephram had maybe two minutes screen time. Some comments online lead me to I guess some places didn't get last week's show. What I read of the Desparate Housewives finale, I'll just skip watching it. No sign of Shawn Pyfrom or Ryan Carnes.

I didn't call on the advance. Since I was planning to take a day off I didn't want to make any calls. The phone rang and I answered one of the two times but there was no answer. It's probably just more pre-recording political messages for the June election. I have food to eat so I'll do that and listen to rain awhile.

It's about 7:30pm. I'm having my second bowl of cereal. I just nailed most of the moulding in. Tomorrow I guess I'll fill the gap areas. I need to find my wood putty again. I'm bored. Maybe I will stay up late and wait for Duckie.

You Tell 'em, Elton!

Elton John was in Cannes presenting an award to Kevin Zegers for his acting in Transamerica. Here's what happened according to a news article:

"Then, as photographers called out during his address, he added: "If you saw 'Transamerica' ... I'm talking ... you fuckwit, fucking photographers you should be shot, you should be all shot. Thank you.""

OMG TEH BROTHER!

He came over! Are you dead of shock? No? Amazing.

He didn't call first and just arrived at around 11am. I was still lounging a bit in bed. I had another terrible night of sleeplessness and tossing-turning. Cat is upset at me. Sigh. Should do catbox tonight because rain is forecast for Monday.

Day started off a bit awkward. I don't think he knew how I'd be. We took a bit of a tour so he could see the back yard and so forth. See with his eyes that I'm not being lazy. He thinks house will look nice! I agree. House will look very good. He said it was shame Mother didn't live to see it. That got me a bit emotional because I had thought that off and on. It's very hard on me.

We first went to home improvement. I couldn't find the light for the kitchen cabinets. He looked for work parts! He always does that. He is worse than Father--always on the hunt for work parts! We then went to grocery. I spent $101.99 and supposedly saved $50. I splurged and got a tin of chips for $1 and a bottle of Dr. Pepper (Cherry Vanilla) to go with my salad. I decided Mother would have said you have to take care of SELF--it is ok to treat self once in awhile! I always saw that as being enabling but considering I'm battling to keep my sanity, we will take Mother's advice!

Kitty is here. I gave petting. Maybe she will like me tonight? Oh. She is excited and purring. This is a good sign!

Where was I? Oh, grocery. That was good. Frozen food sale wasn't as great as I'd hoped. But I got enough I think for another month. I saw there was a new frozen salmon dinner and immediately if Mother would like it. Silly me! Heh. She was like that a long time too seeing things like those ugly tangerines and thinking she would get them for Father. Sigh. :/

We brought groceries back to house and I got them put away quickly. Open freezer and turn bags over! HA! Well that worked for many items. What else? I got that put away and Brother decided it was time to eat so he started on a salad he had bought. I hadn't eating anything and decided to have one of the salads I had bought too and my Dr. Pepper. It was odd? I stood behind counter and he sat. Mother used to stand behind counter and I would sit! But it seemed natural. Salad was good but I don't remember it.

It was after 1pm and we then got started on putting wallboard into the eyesore (used to be window, Father put up distressed mirror selving) area! Brother held while I drove screws into the wallboard. Just as I had figured out, one sheet was not quite enough for that area so we trimmed the second sheet a bit and will still have enough for around the French doors.

When that was done, I pushed ahead and wanted to bring the French doors inside. I got my sets of wheels (they're for file cabinets) and they were wonderful for getting the doors out of the garage. Mother and I got them and I had used them to move her old china cabinet when she gave it away after Father died. She hated the thing which Father only bought because a coworker had gotten one for his wife.

Again those wheel things came in handy. I don't remember exactly why we got them but they've done very well! Free pettings! Mother was so good about making sure I had all kinds of crazy things to help me with the house handy-man tasks. I wish I could thank her for being insistent on some of the acquisitions. I would try to resist and she would say, "Get it!" "That way I / you know you've got it if you need it." Now that I type that I remember Grandmother (Mother's mother) using that phrase or something like it. It is good strategy for some items. Father would go overboard on acquiring tools though. If he misplaced something, he'd just get new and end up with many duplicates! Some of that is good because I am using those tools but there is way more than I'll ever use probably even if I were building a house from scratch! I am glad he had the sledgehammer, axe, hatchet, table grinder, table saw (Grandmother bought him that) and hand tools. Lots and lots of sockets. But I digress!

Anyway, we got French doors out of garage and into the walkway. We were going to remove the doors and just take it in as three pieces but clearly we needed a third party. I offered to get neighbor who had offered to help in the past when we were taking those inside. Well, the removal of the doors was scrapped when neighbor decided it could be carried inside! Well, that and rolled on the wheels. Neighbor and I carried as needed. Brother moved the sets of wheels as we made it from one set of steps to another. When we got to the entry, it was rest time! I got all the boxes and things out of the way so there was clear path while neighbor and Brother kept doors from tipping over. I took over from Brother and with neighbor, we tilted and lifted into the house. It got put back on the wheels and... "Zoom!" Down the tile into the kitchen-dining area. Free petting for Self for putting the tile down from entry to the back of the house. It was good for wheelchair and now for these doors. Sometimes I have good ideas!

Doors are leaning against the original back wall of the house where the new wallboard went up. Neighbor declared he and I will be able to move them if needed. I invited him to show me his technique for finishing the wallboard and he'll do that when convenient. I feel very good. Pleased the wallboard is finally up and I can get that finished and the doors are inside so I can frame it out and finally get that done too. Very pleased with today!

Brother is going to get the savings out of the credit union account and he has agreed to let me write a check to myself for reimbusing some of what I payed out so I can pay my bills in June. This way I don't have to ask our uncle for a loan because inheritence advance will likely take more than 10 days since it will be probably mailed, and there will probably be a business hold on it of five days when deposited. Even if I pay myself back some money from the estate that will still leave enough funds for the June mortgage.

Brother left around 5pm in car with the kids videos and old baseball bat that neighbor asked me to give him. I also made him take the car cover since the car is not kept in the garage. It is after 6pm. Kitty is back demanding attention and I should take meds and consider dinner! I think I might sleep OK tonight. That reminds me, I need to close the windows since rain is possible tonight.

Bizarre Saturday

I had a horrible time sleeping. Tossing and turning, too warm, uncomfortable... ugh. I didn't go to the home owner's association meeting. I saw 9am (meeting at 10am) and said forget it. I was behind on sleep anyway. I didn't finally get productive until 1pm when I started cutting moulding for Father's old room. Then I put that stuff away and did some sanding and cleaning of the entry door for when it gets painted. Neighbor wandered over. He had asked earlier about the extension ladder. I got the ladder out, we looked at it a bit. We chatted.

He said he couldn't believe he was kicking himself over $100 after spending thousands to bail his daughter out on her SUV. He paid the $20K balance off for her. He's right that for that kind of money he could've gotten his kitchen redone and new carpet. But, hey, I'm no different. I debate purchases for myself a lot and have at times regretted them.

I guess Brother is coming over tomorrow. We don't need to get into a fist fight or anything. Neighbor says this house isn't worth it. He talked of not having a good relationship with his brother and his regrets. His brother was 13 yrs older than he, had a wife who didn't like neighbor and so they didn't really connect. That brother passed away. I understand in the abstract that he's saying but Brother needs to meet me somewhere other than entirely on his terms.

It's obvious SIL doesn't like me. Whatever. She's always treated Brother's family like 3rd class while always kissing her own adoptive parent's butts no matter how abusive they got. I tried to break the ice with her but she just seems so pushy and incapable of listening to facts. As such she insists the estate has no hope of paying its debts which is beyond bogus. Even Brother says he won't talk to her about the estate. I don't blame him. She offered to get quotes on carpet. I'm still waiting on that.

I'm very disappointed that I'm not in financial shape to move on. I thought the insurance would have been resolved by now but still not a word from them. I'll have to (or we will have to) take an inheritance advance because I don't have money to keep putting into the house. In fact, I've got under $300 which won't cover my June bills. Wouldn't have been the case if I hadn't paid Mother's tax bill. I'd like to not have to borrow money to live on for June but would rather pay myself back some of what I've spent from Mother's savings. I've been considering taking a low-end job but I don't want that distraction while still working on the house because that'll push sale time even further since I've been the slavish worker droid.

I need to eat more. These past few days I think I've been cutting corners too closely. Need to try to take care of myself. I'm just not very good at that. I think of myself as piggish and lazy. If I wasn't so lazy I would've had all of this stuff done a year or two ago. I feel like a mammoth failure. I part blame myself for Mother's passing. I feel like I'm being punished for "honor thy father & mother." If I'd been a "normal" child I would've had my own life like Brother and never lift a finger to help parents and would get money from house sale with having done no work. If I had made my own career with millions I could've paid all estate debts.

I also blame myself for not being on top of getting Mother's final documents in order so her wishes could be filled.

Holiday Rained Out?

It is 9:30. So the account handler from the annoying estate creditor called! Didn't take the day off because of rain. Decided it would be more fun to call me instead. I didn't get to sleep in. Ugh. This was actually the second call of the day. The first didn't leave a message so it was probably a campaign ad recording. Forget sleeping in. I didn't get to sleep even the usual number of hours! Grrr.

On the upside I don't have to here from that annoying estate creditor until July now! That is if we got the needed money into the estate account by month's end. It turns out I have enough left for that but not enough for my June bills. Have no choice but borrow funds (either get inheritance advance or talk to uncle) unless insurance pays or Brother lets me pay myself back for some of the money I paid out for estate things.

I've decided that hell has many telephones.

Did I mention it is official that Everwood was not picked up by the new merged network because they decided to bring 7th Heaven back even after a series finale? How sad is this? Show had a spot on schedule but they uncancelled another finished show instead! And, of course, the poke in the eye of worse rated programming getting picked up by the merged network. They do many drugs at Hollywood.

Maybe I should hide in bed!? I can sleep outside in the dirt where I can't hear the phones! :D

That was 12 hours ago. Good grief! I didn't even remember that happened today. I really thought it was yesterday.

I spent many hours outside cutting the moulding pieces for the hallway. That got done. I wish Mother was around to see it because it looks good. Or it will when I have it finished. I did have some problems doing the work alone because it was hard to keep the pieces stable while I sawed by hand or while I was using the jigsaw (sabresaw). Today's mail was junk. When I cleaned up my work area, I spent a bit of time with the neighbor while he trimmed some of his cyprus that are between the properties. I finished filling out my ballot early this evening. Gave the cat hair ball goop after putting her off earier because I'd just washed my hands and planned to eat.

Need to watch this week's Everwood but I've read Ephram is barely in it. Oh well. Supposedly two endings to the season were filmed: one if there was a season 5 coming and the other if there wasn't.

For awhile Everwood was listed at 8pm Sundays on "the CW" network website. There was even a webpage for it. Here's a copy that was posted on an Everwood fan site.



Sigh.

Not Feeling Well

I slept really badly. I had to rush off to the bathroom this morning too. *sigh* I have eaten a fried rice bowl and yogurt but feel completely drained of energy. I need my rest.

Still waiting for Brother to show up. Tried tiller again. It didn't start up. Very drowsy. Got call a day early from that pain in the hairy bum creditor. She'll call again after 2pm. Boo-hoo. She won't be at work tomorrow which is why she called a day early.

Everwood is not on the CW network's schedule. They brought back 7th Heaven which had a *series* finale already and was cancelled back in November since it lost $16m for its old network. CW also brought back One Tree Hill which got lower ratings than Everwood. I don't know if it's possible to understand network management. Depressing turn of events. *sigh*

Does nothing GOOD happen?

That was 11am! Predictably Brother did not show. He called and said said he had go into work early. I was upset. There was arguing and fist pounding. I was a mess. Not only did I feel drained and felt like someone had taking all the liquid out of my skull when I woke up but I felt a little dizzy this morning too. What a crappy day. I napped a moment in one of the cleared out flower boxes while waiting for Brother to arrive (before his afternoon call).

Eventually I calmed down (or whatever) and it was decided that I'd go to the bank to open the account for the estate. I got that done pretty quickly and walked back.

I had tried the tiller earlier and it was still being evil and tried while Brother was on the phone but it still was evil. When I got back I saw it had been sitting in the sun and tried it again. The piece of crap started right up. It hates me. Or maybe it just hates a cold start. Don't care. I got the rest of the back yard tilled. Yay me.

I called the annoying creditor's number and she had gone home so after disturbing my sleep she'll have to wait until next week anyway to get the info she sought! How stupid! It is no wonder I was over the edge.

Mail came. For some reason there was a late notice to the estate about the policy Mother had on Brother which he supposedly had taken over. More evidence of dropping the ball or just stupid companies? Maybe both?

I think Friday I'll try to "sleep in" for my own sanity but then again I'm kind of stuck having to wake up to med and then sleep again. It was OK when I did all night and took meds when I went to bed but this is not working well. Either I go to bed really late or have to interrupt sleep for meds. Need to figure better scheduling. Maybe naps.

I just threw caution to the wind and asked to visit neighbor. Turned out we'd both had trying days. Him with his daughter and grandkids and a friend of his wife who he hadn't seen in six months dropping in and derailing his schedule. He also misplaced a folder of important paperwork. Anyway, we did get a good laugh when he though I'd said the neighbors had dragged bathtubs out to the street. I was talking about the medication ad that had just ran on TV! I said it was only a matter of time. I've take a baseball bat, shopping cart(s), brick, tricycle and other items out of the street and that's almost all just this month? His other neighbor sold one car last night and he was excited until I mentioned they'd parked a new car out front. He was skeptical and cursed at the sight!

You see, they've had all manner of cars. Crap cars. Ones that didn't run, had no roof, etc. There was an old RV parked for years with weeds growing around it that finally got dragged off. That was wonderful because finally you could see to back out into the street! Let me think now... they've had the RV, two Mustangs, Civic, Jaguar, Jetta, Audi, Pontiac (with tiger-stripe upholstery!), Beetle, Chrylser sedan plus a Truck. And now a convertable has been added. That's eleven autos. I think they're down to six plus (I think) a disassembled motor cycle in the garage. Did I mention there's only three people in that house? Do to the parking, sometimes I have no place for my trash bins for pick-up day! I like to bookend a vehicle with my bins if I can. Hopefully it annoys the owner. Very passive-agressive!

They've made the street at the immediate couple of houses into their personal parking lot for years. It's an on-going joke / battle with their abandoned vehicles.

It's almost 2am. Where was I going with all that? Not sure. I should sleep. I made sure I had more to eat this evening. I hope I'll feel OK tomorrow. Brother seems to think he can come out Sunday. I won't hold my breath though. I don't care that much. I can still find things to do for the house. I just need to concern myself over money for food and June's bills.

Out For A Walk...

Well, I slept absolutely horribly. It was really bad. I got up I think around 10am and abandoned the bed to the kitty. I ate around 11am, the neighbor had gone out and had just returned. He had planned to get groceries so I assume that's what he did.

We chatted off and on through the day. I walked to the home improvement to take back items I didn't use for the gate. Only worth three bucks! If I'd known it might not have been worth my trouble. Oh well. I stopped at the grocery on the way back to get two money orders. They are cheaper there than the post office. I got one for the Yard Nazi fees** ($125!) and another to pay my quarterly life insurance premium. There was Gatorade on sale so I got four large bottles for eight dollars. I also noted the frozen food is on sale. Since I was walking, I didn't buy anything else and walked home.

I took the "long way" to look at new houses being build nearby. Holy crap! $650,000 starting price and for that you don't even get a garage for your car! A few houses are probably as wide as the typical two car garage. All of them are two stories but you'd have to be mentally ill to purchase if the outsides are any indication.

The mail brought lots of things from the lawyer including my letter of administration for the estate. Yay me. I also got forms back for the county property tax that I had to sign and will mail tomorrow. There was some other stuff too. Lawyer says would probably need $300,000 to buy Brother's interest and pay estate debts of the house. I need to think about this. It's probably worthless to do if the insurance doesn't pay though. I called Brother to ask if he I should open the estate checking account or wait for him. He said wait. I asked if I should borrow advance money and he said wait. I said should I breathe air. He said wait. He claims he will come over tomorrow so we can "discuss" what we want to do. He didn't seem in a great mood but it was near time for him to leave for work.

** This neighborhood was built with a community pool / park area.

Top 3 - American Idol 5

I've listened to the performances from tonight's "Top 3" show.

Elliott...
1. Open Arms: Clive Davis' pick. AI2, Clay sang it during the group rounds and was cut before returning as America's Wildcard Choice. A younger Nick Carter sang it during BSB's European tour days. Well rendered beginning but wobbles badly later. A bit too short.
2. What You Won't Do For Love: Paula Abdul's pick. OK but very lounge singer.
3. I Believe to My Soul: Artist's choice. Pretty darn authentic! His best of the three.

He's got a nice soulful voice. Solid style. Was probably nervous earlier.

Kat...
1. I Believe I Can Fly: Clive's pick. Putrid song. She tries but sucks worse than even R Kelly.
2. Somewhere Over the Rainbow: Simon's pick. AI2, Kim Locke sang it several times. Kat's best of the night. A bit theatrical. Tries to show off mid song but it lacks emotion. Ends OK.
3. I Ain't Got Nothing But the Blues: She's got something but is AIN'T the blues. HORRIBLE! And the high note is sour enough to scare small creatures.

Might be better doing theater.

Taylor...
1. Dancing in the Dark: Clive's pick. Not a big Springsteen fan. The choice made sense but it was a bit inauthentic.
2. You Are So Beautiful: Randy's choice. Great choice. Not bad. Except the falsetto. *shudder*
3. Try a Little Tenderness: Boring. Something's missing here. Seems forced.

Whatever.

No predictions because I didn't see, only heard, the performances. None of them grab me but Elliot could be interesting depending on the producer. Kat reminds me of a better Diana Degarmo. I've not heard anything that I've kept this season. I've still got Clay's performances from AI2. I also have Anthony Fedorov's from AI4 and listen to them or rewatch frequently.

OK Day?

It's about 7pm. I slept about six or seven hours but since I went to bed after 5am, I got up after noon. Oh well. I stayed up to chat with the Duckie which was good for my mental health.

I ate, fed the fish, brought up the bins. I didn't do a lot today, just cleaned up a bit out front. I did get two bills paid though. Always a plus I guess. No email replied from lawyer, no email from brother. Mail today was only junk for the upcoming primary election.

The neighbor looked sullen sitting outside. He doesn't do that so I went next door for a bit. I had loaned the mower and weed whacker to the house across the street overflowing with bastard children. He mentioned another neighbor had asked about the house and seemed interested in maybe buying it. If I don't have to use crap realtor I will be happy!

I've been feeling OK today. I watched a marathon of Everwood episodes (rumors that it was not brought over to the new merged network won't be confirmed until Thursday) that I had saved up. It's a damn good show. I might write a bit about the different episodes or elements in time; I'll probably watch each episode again individually. I like the show enough I'll probably end up getting DVD sets because I haven't seen either of the first two seasons.

The kitty is in here guarding the doorway. I don't know what she's expecting. Silly kitty! Need more food. Neighbor has asked me to call and maybe come over tonight. He definitely had a bad day/night. Said he had sleep trouble and got up too early and had trouble bathing his wife. He was glad that she had a good appetite today though. I'll call in about 40 minutes.

Ordering Pizza?

Funny and not so far fetched either!

Pizza (Flash video)

Monday!

Well it's after 2am on Monday. I made it through Mother's Day. It's a bit chilly tonight, I've got a blanket draped around my shoulders but it's making me sneeze. Probably too much cat hair. That's my excuse anyway. Loitering a bit to see if Duckie will show up. We haven't chatted in almost 10 days. *sigh*

It's noon, I put out the bins and am cooking a frozen spaghetti thing for breakfast. I'm sneezing again. Grrr. Not sure what I'll get done today. I'm not really feeling a lot of desire to be outside tilling. My sunburns are still sore. The cat abandoned me for Mother's bed. Wonder if she realized it's anniversary day or maybe I thrashed around too much. I slept restlessly. I had some dream about clearing the garage of wood full of nails and then wandering about on the street trying to get rid of the stuff. Too close to reality! Ha-ha. I should be dreaming nice, happy things. *sigh*

Food is ready. I'll fetch it and chow down. I probably should do groceries again soonish. That irritates me because money is still short because of all the extra costs I've endured. I still can't believe that tax bill. Duckie had an idea that I could bill the estate for my handyman labor. That isn't a bad idea. I wonder if Brother would go for that?

It's nearly 3pm. Still moody. Hungry, probably should eat another meal. I put in some undercabinet lighting. Two of three. The third is broken and needs replacing. It's always something, isn't it? Grrr. It looks good though. Mother would be pleased. She and I got these lights for this purpose, I just didn't get them installed soon enough for her to see them.

The lawyer emailed that she will fill out the property tax forms and send them to me for signature, copy and mailing. She is cc'ing the SIL because I guess that's the only email she has for Brother/SIL?

Not done much today because I've been depressive. It's 20 minutes until 5pm. I feel like I'm going to be sick. I saw the neighbor for a couple minutes outside, scrapped some weeds trying to come up out of the sidewalk. Mail had my credit card bill and bank statement. Those brought to home my complete lack of funds for next month. Email from the lawyer says she will fill out the forms and mail them to me.

Crappy Day

Well it's Mother's Day. I didn't think I'd feel bad because we never did make a big deal out of it but I've been all kind of moody.

I thought I'd at least get a call from Brother but nothing. I think it's crap that he "forgets" his Mother on the first Mother's Day since she's passed. He's an asshole. A medicated asshole but still an asshole.

The neighbor did mention he thought it was unfair that I'm doing all the work since Brother has a stake in the house as well. He's very right but what can I do about it? If I do less, I'm going to be screwing myself. If I complain he'll just get pissed and I have to deal with him since we're legally bound in this circumstance.

Been a real struggle today. I did get a few things done. All of the shed remains are now in the driveway. I put in the gardenhose holder in the back that I'd reconditioned. I put up a bit of primer in the hall bath to cover the orange test paint spots. I also finished the reconditioning of that tool square that I dug up in the back yard. It's now painted silver on both sides and quite readable. I'll want that for a project or two upcoming. I tried out my two cans of wall texture. One didn't work but the other did. I got some sprayed into places that needed it. It'll be OK. I'm not a huge fan of the stuff but that's what's on the walls so that's what I'll put on repaired spots and the newly hung wallboard too.

What a day! I'm seem to swing between pissed to agrivation to depressed to suicidal to just not giving a damn. And to think it's only 5:30pm. Sigh.

Updated, 2am Monday... From what I read at "Television Without Pity," Andrew (Shawn Pyfrom) isn't in Housewives from (last night) so I may skip it until this coming weekend which I think is the season finale.

Using a can of spray primer in the bathroom isn't very smart healthwise because of the odor but with the fans going on opening various windows it got cleared out. Basically I just didn't care if I got sick or not. I've got a pain on my right foot that I haven't even checked out. I'm just not in a mood to care.

I ate a fried rice bowl, a bowl of cereal and another strawberry preserve sandwich on Sunday. It helped the time go by. I also cleaned up the battery-powered light Father had in the shed and removed the hardware from the shed doors: hinges, latches. I finally got those towels into the dryer. Lots of busy work. They better be dry by now! I'll get them out sometime Monday or when I think of it.

No call from Brother. No emails from Brother, SIL, Vegas... no one. I was the forgotten.

Sunday was the series finale for "The West Wing" which Mother had been watching. She had wanted the Jimmy Smits character to 'win' the presidency and that was the outcome. Monday morning makes it 3 months since Mother passed.

Busy Work...

Well, I got outside around noon and moved much of the rest of the shed debris to the driveway. There's still some large sheets of wood in the back yard and the doors to move. It was too sunny and warm to till so I went inside a bit and took apart the medicine cabinet in the non-master bath.

I cleaned up the shelves and the door nobs. I don't think this needs replacing, just a bit of paint. What I thought was rust on the shelves was just detritus, oils and dust build up over the years. Some dishsoap, water and elbow-grease got it off. I'll want to swap out the light cover though because of the scorch marks in the plastic after 30 years of light bulbs. That's easy and inexpensive.

When it got a bit later in the day, I took more shed debris out to the drive and also took up two trash cans worth of vine things and hibiscus.

My forearms are sunburned. I put some lotion on. I finally ate a meal around 4pm. I just wasn't in the mood for food earlier. The cat has been napping in her chair in my room as well as Mother's bed.

Talked to the neighbor a bit while he was watering at mid-day. He was disappointed it's just me this weekend. Again. He gets it. He even remarked that he didn't think the SIL had been over since Mother passed. He was right about that. She usually only dropped in for Easter and Halloween. I don't even think she's dropped in for Mother's day. Mother would make note if she got a card, call or anything. I'm really sorry her wishes were not in written form.

Will probably visit the neighbor this evening just to get out of the house. Tomorrow (Sunday) is Mother's Day and it'll just be me, the cat and her fish. I wonder if anyone will think of me. It's a little bit of a pisser not to have contact with Brother for Mother's Day considering the significance of that day this year. Monday morning it'll be 3 months. Sure he has to do something for his wife and no doubt she'll do battle with her adoptive Mother which is the never-ending thing. What does one do for Mother's Day that first day without one? Brother's first Father's Day without one of his own was his first as a dad. Mother and I cooked up something special that Father would make.

I was so "sure" I'd hear something from the insurance company by now but nothing in the mail but ads. I'm feeling a bit conflicted and maybe a little mournful. Something. I don't know. Just annoyance perhaps because I'm doing all this work and Brother gets to enjoy the fruits of my labor without doing anything of note. I'm doing this for Mother. I still "feel" as if she's around if not present. A part of me wouldn't mind buying the house but, in all honesty, I haven't a clue what to do with myself for the rest of my life. One thing I need to get on is finalizing change of beneficiary on my insurance policy and updating my estate planning.

I'm rambling. Maybe Duckie will be online tonight?

The Shed Is Collapsed

Father's self-built shed is down with the neighbor's help. I quipped it could've been easier to tear down the house. It took us about two hours, a crowbar, shovel and sledge hammer. Father is infamous for "overbuilding" but hey it lasts, right? Consider its age, the wood is in remarkable shape. Now I just have to figure out how to get rid of the debris. *sigh*

The water dept did a sloppy finish job and ran off.

Stayed up a bit too late. Watched a film. Did not sleep at all well. Weird dreams again. Was awakened by the phone. I ignored it. It was the advance guy I talked to. He left a message. Hope I don't have to go that route.

I haven't eaten yet. I did change the cat box. Kitty was upset so it was definitely time to do it.

Not looking forward to the weekend.

Need A Job Like That

The water dept. is back. They've been out there since 9am and it's almost 1pm and they've just started working. The rest of the time they've been standing around BS'ing. They probably get $30/hr too.

I walked to the bank this morning and paid the mortgage. Found out I have a $6 fee if I want a cashier's check from my account. Mother gets them free. Different account types though. I beat the lunchtime rush so I was back just before noon. I cleaned out Father's self-built garden shed in the back yard. The plan is to get it down tomorrow so I can finish tilling the back. I looked at my check list of things and there's still a lot to do inside. I keep forgetting about carpet but those things will be quick.

Those vine things are evil but I'm trying to remove as much of them as possible. I seem to be allergic as they appear to be the cause of my sneezing fit yesterday. Sigh. Food (breakfast) is ready. I'll eat and get back outside. I was hoping for more hours of overcast but that didn't happen. I have to suffer the sun unless I put up artificial shade.

The neighbor mowed his lawns and watered at least out front. He seemed in a pretty good mood today.

Wednesday Is Here!

Ok, I don't know why I'd be excited for Wednesday but I'll pretend I am. Stayed in bed until noon because I stayed up really late to see if Duckie would come online. I guess I didn't stay up late enough. Sigh.

He had a good Q on yesterday's blog though. Why go to court? Well we didn't have to show up, just the lawyer but I wanted to go anyway and I guess SIL shamed Brother into going too.

As heirs at law we don't really 'own' anything yet until debts get paid. We need the letters of administration so we can sell Mother's things and do other official business to settle debts she left without paying out of own pocket.

We can do things like sell or tranfer stock, sell house, sell truck, pay me back for paying Mother's bills these past few months, pay Brother back for burying Mother, etc. We have to close all of her accounts and open a new interest earning account just for the estate once the lawyer gets us a new tax ID number for the estate. Over the next four months the creditors will now officially say, "This amount is owed, pay it!" We already know who and how much but we have to give four months for any creditors to pop up. I'm confused why lawyer told court there are five known creditors because Brother and I only count four. I have emailed lawyer asking about that. Lawyer is lazy and probably ignored my emails. Oh wait! Maybe she is counting the Yard Nazi fee? That is due this month. I think I am paying.

Speaking of the four (one is the mortgage), the one I deligated to Brother still hasn't been updated as to whether it was insured and will go away. I think the lawyer might "get it" that adding me as co-administrator means things will get done. Brother is too busy! I laughed to myself when he said "we" have been paying mortgage. Yes, that's true because we've gone to the bank together. It's been my money--ha, ha!

I am not clear what I will do today. I will probably take out vines in the back that Brother doesn't want to keep.

It's now 6:30pm. I tilled the back yard until I ran out of gas, that was maybe 60% of the yard. I let the tiller cool and refilled. I think I have just enough to finish the task.

Those things are not vines. They are evil and numerous! It'll take all day to get them out tomorrow. They smell good, almost like butter. I asked neighbor for some help to remove shed in a couple of days. I sneezed awhile. *sigh* The water dept. didn't come back so there is still a huge concrete mass in the middle of the street and no lights on the warning things. Stupid.

Brother says he won't be out this weekend. Shocking, right? Uncle called! Asked if house was on market yet. His house is on market now. When it sells they are leaving for Tennessee. Asked if I needed money. Well, I'll be flat broke (cash poor) when I pay the mortgage and rest of this month's bills but anticipate available money before April...err... June comes. Why did I think this was March!? I need to eat more food.

*** BEGIN SPOILERS ***

Watched Desperate Housewives from two weeks ago. It had Shawn Pyfrom (son Andrew) and Ryan Carnes (bf Justin). It tugged at me a bit. Ryan needs a bit more acting experience. He doesn't seem to have grown like Shawn. Anyway, he is upset that Andrew is moving away to live with his grandparents. Mom, Brie, conspires with him to get the grandparents to decide not to take him. When his stuff is packed up, Brie brings "one last box" that has gay porn in it. Brie's stepmother (Carol Burnett) freaks out. They not only don't take Andrew, they elminate his trustfund too. She conspired with Justin because Justin said he loved Andrew. She wanted to know why. It makes the episode bittersweet after seeing this past week's show where an exassperated Brie leaves Andrew in the middle of nowhere with a duffle bag and some money. The straw that broke the camel's back was his seducing her AA sponsor in his mom's bed. Her AA sponsor is a guy with a sex addiction.

*** END SPOILERS ***

The shows made me ponder Mother and what she would've thought of the episodes and made me ponder Vegas and his coming out. Made me wonder if I should just take on a partner (without regard to gender) just so I have someone who cares about me and likewise, someone for me to care for. I don't need sex, just desire emotional intimacy. I have a big void in my day-to-day life right now that the cat and her fish aren't able to fill. It's tough not having local friends at a time like this. The kitty is good, though. She is on the floor napping behind me.

Digging Up The Street

The water dept. is back to rip up the street again. Fun. Fun! The clouds cleared already. I didn't sleep well again. Probably anxious over today's court hearing. I got up around 9am. It's about noon now.

I brought some blocks around to the front to guage for a new front step that isn't quite as high as the existing. I'll get some feedback but I think it looks OK from across the street. I tried to get myself killed by stuffing the pampas grass base into a bin. I almost decided to wait for Brother but dismissed that in favor of self-sufficiency. I had chastized myself this morning for not having felt self-sufficient in my life. Of course I've also felt like I was useless and lazy too.

I did manage to get a cut on my hand though. It isn't a good project unless some blood is shed for the cause! I'm hot and sweaty which annoys me a bit but it'll pass. I think I'll just leave that garden hose holder thing painted white. It looks less obnoxoius to me this morning and what's it matter, right?

Had a small frozen angel hair pasta meal for breakfast. I think I'll have some gatorade and wait for Brother to arrive.

It's now half-past 6pm. Court was fairly uneventful. The lawyer got a haircut. Brother commented on the preparedness but I wasn't so impressed. She seemed a bit unfocused talked to the judge although her paperwork was good. Found out why she needed to talk to the "half-sister." It seems the court wanted a bond waiver and needed more information about her relationship to Mother. There wasn't one and under CA probate she has no stake since Brother and I exist. If we didn't, then she could make a fuss. I knew all this because, as I told Brother, I had taken some time to read some of the probate law before we engaged a lawyer. Anyway, the judge agreed with her opinion. The lawyer said the "half-sister" refused to sign a bond waiver and seemed unhappy with the circumstances. As I explained to Brother when Father died Mother got everything since there was nothing not in both names. Since Father didn't leave anything to the "half-sister" her interest ceased to exist. Had Mother died first, the situation would be different.

The court has to make certified copies so we have to wait another week for our letters of administration. That also costs $30. Did I mention the initial filing fees were determined based on the presumed gross worth of the estate? Crazy. Probate is some kind of institutionalized necrophilia.

Suddenly Brother is more interested in assisting that creditor which wants to keep the account in-house. No idea why. Maybe he took his meds? I'm really getting to know my Brother in a different light. He's not as sophisticated as I am but that could be by choice. He's not stupid. He's far more emotional than I am. He also talks a lot. He talked a lot when we made the final arrangements. He talked a lot today with the lawyer. I haven't put my finger on what kind of emotion triggers it. I generally only talk a lot when I'm tired or when something really specacular happens. At the house today he was introspective. I hadn't really seen him like that. That's usually my bag. I expected to feel some kind of emotion when the case was announced and I heard the judge speak of "the estate of (Mother)" but all I felt was that expectation. I didn't feel anything unusual. The courthouse is ridiculous. You come in the door, immediately into a zig-zag queue for security and right there is the single elevator door. The area is probably smaller than some prison cells. It was bizarre and didn't reflect the very nice and spacious courtroom--nothing like those I've been in for jury duty.

Anyway parking was $8 all day. Even with the waiting and jawboning with the lawyer we were gone in an hour. If we'd tried the other lot which I'd suggested it would've been $4 ($2/half hour). Maybe next time. Basically the court is giving us 18 months (that is until a date in Nov 2007) to settle the estate and close probate before it says, "What the hell is taking so long?"

We stopped at the home improvement place so I could get my needed boards to finish that gate. I got that done this afternoon. I'm not entirely happy with it but it looks good and it works. Why fuss? It's the cursed perfectionist streak.

The neighbor invited me over this evening. He was a bit tipsy. He thinks his wife had another mild stroke over the weekend. Wouldn't surprise me. Father had that problem too despite medications and symptoms similar to those she had. Not having that kind of spousal emotional bond, I don't know how it must feel but on an intellectual level I can at least say I've had the experience with a parent. You can't do anything. There comes a point in these kinds of cases where you can only make the patient comfortable and let nature take its cruel course. I feel bad for the neighbor. One can almost feel his distress. Maybe I'm more sensitive to it because of my own care giving experience. I actually like the moments of empathy because it makes me feel less isolated from humanity.

It's after 7pm, I need to eat. The water dept. are still causing havoc in the street.

Lazy Monday

I got up and put out the bins. I'm concerned one of the yard debris bins is too heavy and won't be emptied.

I didn't do much today. I didn't sleep very well. I've still had some allergy problems today. I really couldn't decide what to do today so I went to the back yard and uncovered the old water hose and removed the holder for it. The water spouts work fine back there which is good to know. I spent some time fixing the back step where it had pulled away from the sunroom's foundation.

I painted the water hose holder but it looks bad white so I'll probably paint it again. Maybe tomorrow. Brother and I are going to court tomorrow so I don't know what I'll get done.

I've been particularly hungry today so I've had more meals but not over-eaten.

Watched "Desperate Housewives" tonight on the web (it's now free with ads). I ignored the stupid film ads that they're putting in it. It was a really good episode. I think I'd sworn off watching after suffering the ads last week. I tuned in after seeing a comment that Andrew (Shawn Pyfrom) was featured. Do wish Mother was around; I'd be curious what she thought of the episode.

I think I'm feeling elements of mental burnout. I need a break from all things "estate" to recoup a bit but I suspect things will begin accelerating. I can get all the stuff done but I need more time than 2-3 weeks.

I saw the neighbor briefly early this evening and let him know I would be out tomorrow. Oh joy: the radio has an ad for advanced funeral planning. Cripes!

I think I'll go to bed early. Probably 11pm if I decide to watch something. Wish Duckie was online a bit more.

Well it's after midnight. I've stayed up longer than I really wanted but for some reason I just don't care. I think I'll fetch a yogurt and get in bed. I feel odd, I'm somewhere between 'not caring' and 'anxious'.

Sunday...

(A Sunday update is coming. I'm just not feeling great tonight. Lots of chest congestion.)

Here's that Sunday update, I'll keep it short. I got the base of the pampas grass out by myself on Sunday morning. I came in around 11:30 to check email since Brother had not arrived. He had emailed that he was doing "daddy daycare" and would not be over. I was quite angry. Another diss! Later in the afternoon I called and he said the SIL still had a migraine from Saturday and was sleeping in all day. Don't know if that was true but at least it's a decent excuse.

In the intervening time, the neighbor came over and chatted a bit. Saturday he couldn't get his wife out of bed at all. Sunday he was hoping she would get up. I took the afternoon to pull weeds in the back yard and then got the mower to scalp the overgrowth. It looks better but not great. I've been sneezing on and off since yesterday. Allergies triggered by whatever I got down in the yard. That caused me lots of chest congestion last night and I stayed up until that seemed to calm down. Brother and I are going to the court date Tues.

Easier To Destory, Than Create?

Not always. I got outside by noon and just couldn't bring myself to battle with the pampas grass again today. I had scrapped a layer of skin off the palm of my right hand. Both of my hands, even at almost 9pm, are very stiff. I decided instead to begin building a new gate.

Well, that took awhile. I first cleared some area and began looking for places to sink a post. The problem has been that the obvious place to put the gate is next to the fireplace but the foundation for the fireplace takes up a lot of area. The two choices were either go in front of the fireplace or behind. I can't go far in either direction because I need the meters to be readable so I'd want those outside the gate. I don't want to go back much because that will expose a window. I managed to find a spot just behind the chimney where the foundation of it wasn't so expansive and dug out a hole.

The neighbor was interested and offered his unused concrete which he was otherwise just going to throw out. We kicked around places the post could go. Anyway, I dug the hole, put the post in and put brick around it just so I could start on the other side. I did a new gate on the other side a few years ago. I still had another steal mounting kit that Mother had liked and planned to use it. I ended up mounting that on the fence between this and the neighbor's property. I had dug a hole there too for concrete so the anchor bolts could be set in it. Things were going OK until it came to concrete time. The neighbor mixed some up and smacked his head on the metal support. He got a nasty looking cut but it didn't bleed. I hadn't really mixed concrete before but remember Father mixed some back when I was a little kid. I know he had an actual small orange-painted mixer that would spin. In those days you had to add the sand, rock and water separately. Now you just add water. For the repairs I've done, I use pre-mixed with no added water needed.

Anyway, I kept the post level while he filled in around the base. He said he learned how to use concrete from his dad when he was a kid and reminisced how much that guy knew how to do and ended up complimenting Father saying he was like that as well. That's true. Father was not a well educated person in book learning but had many skills. Some from his military career, others from his farming childhood. I can diagnose a computer but there are many great practical things I'm not skilled with. I'm not into motors, for example. I understood what my Brother did to get the chain saw and tiller working but that's outside my comfort zone. I'm not going to play with gasoline and combustion. That's Brother's skill set. I can read diagrams but I try to avoid anything but rudimentary electrical work. I'd rather Brother do it. That's part of his job. I'm just unsure of myself enough to get myself electrocuted. Anyway, it was nice for him to say that. I hadn't give it much thought and, unfortunately, Father didn't teach me such things perhaps because I had health problems as a kid.

So ok that was boring but I got about half-way with the gate project. I didn't have enough face boards so I'll have to get three more. We'll need a few other bits of lumber too since I'm cannibalizing the lumber that would've been for the French Doors project... I got quite sullen this afternoon when the mail came. Mother had volunteered to help Arnold's campaign and mail came related to that. It just irritated me that she wasn't done living whereas Father was essentially waiting for Death to finally getting around to claiming him. Just seems unfair. It's fucked up.

Brother might show on Sunday. Need to get some things done while he's here. I don't want another lost weekend.

Battle Pampas Grass

Well, I took on the pampas grass on the north side of the house. What a pain! The blades of grass stick to your clothes and they're kind of sharp. Now this thing, how it got there I don't know, this thing was taller than the roofline and perhaps wider than I am tall. I got it cut back with shrears but clean up has been less than neat. I've take up half the driveway again with this mess and there's still more to move. Highly annoying since I have no empty bins so I'm dragging this stuff from one end of the lot to the other! Anyway, I dug around the base to get to some roots but I couldn't get it out today. I'll try again tomorrow. I managed to bend the metal spade on the shovel too! I really started to feel a bit exhausted. Of course I had only had a bowl of cereal and some Gatorade. When I'm exerting myself on a project like that I drink plenty of Gatorade so I don't get dehydrated. I've been treated for dehydration before. It's not fun.

I was awakened by the phone. One of Mother's creditors was calling to beg for a payment so they don't write off the account as a loss. I explained the lawyer said "don't pay anything" until that stage of probate and so the woman took the lawyer's info. I have no problem paying as long as the funds are available. I'd rather they get the money since it is legitimately due to them than some collection agent. The lawyer emailed that if we were willing to go ahead and make the payment. I call the SIL because she had been CC'd on that email which she hadn't read yet. She's irritating. I have no idea why she's so angry over the estate. She's convinced herself there is at least twice as much debt as there is and is always pushing to get the house done and sold. It's off-putting. Anyway, I'm trying to use her to get Brother to go with me to the court date on Tuesday. She didn't even know what time the hearing was! I don't know if they talk much at all. It's all very... weird.

I'm going next door to watch some TV and socialize. I haven't been in about eight days. I decided I needed the break.

My meds arrived in the mail today. They'd been delivered to another street! Obviously they didn't take 7-10 days like the recording said. So that trip to the pharmacy and the wait was a bit of a waste except I ended up with a week's extra meds for free. Maybe I'll use that service again. Postage was $1 and change.

Brother might come over Sunday. I'll expect him until I hear differently. For now it'll be me and the cat on Saturday.

I went next door for a couple of hours. It was a little odd, or maybe it was me. Anyway, Brother emailed. He thinks the creditor should "go hang" because they'll sell the debt to a collection agency anyway. He seemed quite angry in his email. I've emailed the lawyer to find out why there was agreement this payment could be done. I replied to Brother and asked if he would be against even using Mother's savings for the payment. He said I could do what I want with my money. Basically I don't want to be taking calls from a collection agency, I don't want them to be trying to demand even more money and other high-pressure tactics. That's stress I don't need. And Brother does need but mostly his wife will probably have to listen to because she'd probably answer the calls. Mother has the money in a savings account, if we can access it, so I don't see a problem. Maybe he or his wife had a battle once with this creditor over an account. I don't know. Mother's dead, sure, but it would be nice to protect her "good name" by servicing her debts. It's less stressful for all involved except, of course, coming up with the money. I'll probably have urges to play in the freeway traffic if the insurance doesn't pay.

I hate it when Brother seems angry. He seemed angry a lot growing up. Anger is toxic to one's health and the health of those around you! I'm probably better keeping my distance. I've found myself very often adversely affected by such drama. He really needs to uncomplicate his life. I don't understand how he allows himself to be tormented by the drama caused by his in-law's relationship with his wife. She's INSANE for coming back for more, time and again. Add in her health dramas, money dramas, unstable work history... I don't know he would enjoy spending more time at home rather than keeping the hours he does working. He acknowleged a desire to edit his life, simplify. The SIL talks of being worried about losing income since the kids she's been baby-sitting are soon leaving but I don't know if she has any plans to try to replace that income. Yes she has a new infant (which she demanded) and a daughter who seems more and more developmentally delayed. There just isn't a lot of rational planning. She's 36 this year.

I feel fortunate that I'm not responsible for anyone by myself right now. I openly admit I don't know if I could take that on. I wouldn't want to do what Brother's doing. There's no benefit to that kind of stress. I'm still getting used to taking care of the cat and her fish. Well, I'm just getting used to focusing on myself. That's frequenly been a blind spot in my life. Too focused on other people, too often detrimentally. I don't know if this is comfortable. Surely I'll have to watch out for just finding some hard luck case to take in but I don't want to stay solo for all time. I already is dull and feels very empty. I want to be careful to not allow myself to be defined, or even consumed, by work.

Between the SIL's paranoia and pressure and Brother's seeming denial and anger, I wish I was handling the estate all by myself. I see this as a kind of adventure and as taking care of Mother. I'm still a bit ashamed for some of how long it took me to get focus. Tisk, tisk. There are plenty of things irritating me and that need to be worked on but most days I can pull it together and be productive. I don't know how that will work for me when I'm out of this house. I'll miss having it to work on. Must remember Mother's words when I said there were some things I'd do differently in the kitchen, "There's always the next (one)." Wish Mother were here.

Read something a bit depressing. Someone was quoting scripture, I think they were books of the Apocrypha which isn't in all versions of the Holy Bible (e.g. not in the traditional King James). It essentially said when you're dead you have no idea what's going on with the living nor do you miss it because you don't even remember it. That seems to contradict Catholic teaching where the memory is part of the soul--is that from St. Augestine? Well, there may be a reason that collection of books is known as the Apocrypha and absent from a many Bibles including modern printings of classic versions which originally included them such as the Vulgate.

It's 1am. Perhaps I'll linger and see if Duckie will appear. I'm tired of blogging.

It's Thursday?

And so it is. I stayed up late (past 2am) to see if duckie was coming online. I went to bed and got up before 11am. Around noon I went outside.

I decided to take a shot at the farside of the drive way and pulled out much of the overgrown grass. I guess I startled a lizerd in there because suddenly there was something wiggling at my feet. It was part of a tale. That thing continued to wiggle into a circle one way, and then another, for easily five minutes. I never did see its owner. Anyway, I got that flower box (not that I remember it ever having flowers mind you) cleared out. I got the tiller working although it was awkward to use in such a small area.

Later I decided to tackle the southern side yard. It went about as easily as I could've expected and eventually I got it basically all cleared. I still have some bags of concrete to remove. Well they were bags of concrete 10 years ago. Now they're blocks of concrete. Otherwise it doesn't look bad. Another thing to cross off I guess. I now have more debris in the driveway. This I can just bin as room becomes available. I battled some allergies along the way but that seems essentially settled now.

In the later afternoon I'd put away my landscaping tools and got the paint out. I finished the last side of fence. One more item complete. It was getting later so I call it a day. I've had cereal, a small frozen meal and a salad. Not a lot.

Been wondering if I want to go next door this evening for a bit of TV and chat. Might be a good idea. Better phone soon if I'm going to, however. The cat is demanding her dose of hairball remedy. I guess today was productive but it wasn't as satisfying as it might've been. Oh well.

It's about 10:30pm. Feeling scratchy in the lungs. Allergies. Grrr. Didn't go out this evening. Just got an email from the lawyer. She needs to get in touch with the half-sister(*) to answer questions for the court. I have no relationship with her so I passed the request off to Brother & SIL. Just because I'm paranoid, I'm curious what kinds of questions. Anyway, Tues is our court date but I guess we're not going, just the lawyer.

(*) She is daughter of Father's first wife. May or may not be Father's. He supported her as if she was anyway. She's over 50 years old.

Good Wednesday?

Today seems to have been a good day. I slept OK. Brother did show up. Well, I called when it got to 11am and left a message with the SIL. He called and said he had worked late and the baby was up but that he was coming over. I was outside tearing out some kind of shrub from a huge flowerbox. The neighbor was over to chat a bit. We got the shrub remains stuffed into a bin. Except for a small tumbleweed's worth because there was a lizard.

Brother was on the phone doing work things when I came out to the car. We left and I realized I had forgotten my $5 off coupon for the grocery. As it was I wanted to go to the clinic to get some meds to tide me over until the refill arrives by mail. That wasn't a problem and was supposed to take 10 minutes. Well, I went outside to join Brother who was on the phone again doing work things. That 10 minutes went long and my name still wasn't on the electronic board. I decided to go inside and my name was called. We agreed that they probably were just waiting for me to come inside. Oh well. We left easily and went back to the house so I could get my coupon. It was then off to the grocery.

I spent $80-something on food which was good. Supposedly I saved over $40. Yay me. I didn't get the cat food though. I wasn't going to pay $9 for 4 lbs! We went to Petco which had moved a couple of times and it smells horribly. I was going to be sick and their price was no better. I decided to go to the nearby grocery which had been remodeled. The price for the 4 lbs bag wasn't any better but the 8 lbs bag was $2 cheaper than the pet store. I got it. That was still $3 cheaper than buying two 4 lbs bags. The cat barely had a day's worth left.

I was annoyed when I got back home and realized my cereal could've gotten me a free gallon of milk. Of course they only had one box left so I couldn't have bought the three required. I'm having the housebrand milk rather than the lactose free I usually get. We'll see how it goes. I don't have to drink lactose free I just came to prefer it. I started drinking it because a doctor suggested trying lactose free stuff. Anyway it's expesive and I'm cutting corners.

What else is new? Oh we got back to the house, Brother eat quickly and left. I finally had breakfast around 4pm and was working on the flower box area more until it heated. I started eating and the other neighbor showed up asking if I still wanted to get rid of the lemon tree. He came back with a companion and they got it hauled away although it took them three trips. It was worth the $25. While they were doing that I was trying to get the tiller started but it just didn't stay running. I ended up turning the dirt by hand. Now it's 8pm and I am eating salad and being bored by radio. For some reason today felt like Thursday. Brother said he will probably won't be back until Sunday so I'll have to find things for myself to do to keep from getting into trouble.

Lazy Day

I was awakened at 8am by the neighbor calling to see if I could come look at his computer. He had gotten a new flat panel monitor and it wasn't working. I agreed to come over later. I had diagnosed for him on Saturday that he would need a new monitor because the other was intermittent but he thought it was ok on Sunday. I guess it didn't last and so it turned out I was right I guess. Anyway, when I brought in the bins around 11am he came outside and said he got it figured out and the screen was working fine. I was kind of glad.

At noon he was outside have something to drink and asked me where I was going. I was just stepping outside while I waited for "lunch" to finish cooking. It was actually breakfast but noon is too late to call a meal breakfast; he invited me over later to see his purchase. I called about 2:30pm to see if it was OK to come over to see the new monitor but he was just getting his wife up for the day. I decided to do laundry instead. I had just put the laundry on when his grandkids were dropped off so at least he had some company today.

I did some extra clean up work in the area where the lemon tree was because there was dirt still on the walkway. I also got rid of some of the wild grass that's grown up in walkway cracks. Still, I didn't get anything of real note done today.

I felt pretty good; sleep wasn't bad for a change once I got to it. I needed a day of some rest. I just had dinner. I went wild and had two chili dogs. My second batch of laundry is in the dryer now. With evening approaching I feel a bit bloated. I ate too quickly. That happens when I'm eating alone and not at the computer. I'm a bit concerned about my lack of accomplishment today but that's just random guilt.

No sign of whether Brother will be out tomorrow morning for a grocery run. Maybe I'll get an email.

Had a very different, quite affection-driven dream.

1am. No email from Brother. Cat is here to put me to bed.

Meh.

So it's after 7pm and for some reason I'm feeling down. The tree is out, I should still be full of glee. Maybe it was because I had to pay by credit card to have my meds mailed to me and the phone thing says "7-10 days" when I'll run out Friday. They never said what the cost would be either. I tried calling my Brother's place to see if the SIL will be at the clinic or maybe he could take me to pick up my meds but there just isn't reliability there. I could take the bus but that would be $5 and hours of my time. Good reasons to be depressed I guess: Feeling alone and isolated.

The cat has come in to meow at me. I don't like this feeling. I wonder if I could go next door this evening or if I should just hide in bed. Hard to say. *sigh*

I watched Desperate Housewives for the first time in months. ABC is now streaming the show online for free. They run ads though and they're annoying. This one is sponsored by some lame romantic comedy film. When it's time for the break, the ad takes up the whole screen, domes some stupid flash animation (same each time) and plays a trailer. When that goes away then you can click to continue watching the show. It's annoying and I don't think I'll watch more shows that way. Watching didn't perk me up anyway. Maybe because I used to watch it with Mother or maybe because the episode just was that good. Who knows?

It's almost 11pm. Somehow I managed to piss away the hours. I had another meal to see if it would improve my sullen mood but it didn't really. I'm going to bed but first want to put out some trash. I don't know what I'll do tomorrow. Depends on how grumpy I am.

Happy Birthday.

As a fan of Art Deco, I would be remiss if I didn't say Happy 75th to the Empire State Building in New York City.

I admit I like the Chrysler Building's aesthetic more but here are American Eagles in Deco style on the Empire State Building's front façade:

Victory Declared.

The trunk is out! The neighbor came over and showed me how to sharpen the ax on Father's old grinder. A sharp ax made a lot of difference. We took terms hacking at the last few bits of the root system and I continued digging around to undermine the trunk. With him pushing and me pulling, we were able to uncover what was still holding it in place. I held the trunk down and he hacked at the final roots. It took passes at three angles but finally I was able to collapse the trunk completely and break it free. He's in a little better shape than I am in terms of endurance but I can't stand the direct sun and had a had and jacket on since it was cloudy when I started this morning. I didn't need as much time to recover. I find myself taking routine breathing breaks for about 30 seconds so I don't get light-headed. That probably has to do more with my asthma history than overall health. I took pix and left a message at Brother's that I got it out. When he was getting ready to leave yesterday I told him, "Don't worry about it. I'll get it out." Without the neighbor's help it would've taken me several extra hours but he seemed glad to get the exercise which he said was more than he had had in years. He's definitely got a kind of "care giver" cabin fever. I know that mental state too well from when I couldn't leave the house in 2002 because Father could not be left alone at all.

I wish Mother were here to see the tree gone. She hated it and wanted it removed, certainly before the house sale. I did see the bird (a Monk's hood) she used to talk. It was on the fence today. Maybe it's keeping her up to date? I'm taking a breather and letting the sun get a bit further behind the peak of the house so I have a little shade to fill the hole and smooth the dirt out. After that I think I'll basically "call it a day" for out door efforts unless I get bored. I'm sure I can find something else to meddle around with. There's still a bird-of-paradise to trim back, for example.

Brother emailed to say he can't do the grocery run until at least Wednesday now instead of today or tomorrow. I've got food for several more days. I hope he gets that trunk cleaned of the gasoline. It's 2:30, I think I'll switch to short pants and have some Gatorade outside.

Another Week...

Well Sunday brought Brother over but nothing really got done. The lemon tree trunk is still in the ground but I'm going to have it out in the next 24-48 hours if I have to blow it to bits! It vexes me and I shall conquer.

So Sunday, Brother came over. He brought his own food. We got the triangle area that the lemon tree is in cleared of debris and rocks. Lots and lots of rocks. And then it turned out Father had buried some brick too so that came out. There were spiders. Many spiders! With the rocks and fallen leaves it was a great place for black widows and I saw dozens of them yesterday. By noon it was clear removing the tree would require more effort. We went to the home improvement so I could get the oil needed for the chain saw and buy gasoline for it and the tiller. We did lunch not that I was in the mood but Brother wanted to eat. That killed another hour. Like an idiot (although I thought of it) I didn't make sure he put a trash bag or something under the gas can so there is petrol in the carpet of the truck (the boot for you non-Americans)! I need to listen to myself.

The tiller look less time to get working but probably sucked up an hour of time. The chain saw in the end burned the wood more than cut and so it was "discarded" to the mythical "yard sale" pile. I stayed outside until 7:30pm or something working on that stupid tree. We didn't get the doors inside, didn't get the wallboard up.

I tripped last night and fell on a garden tool. I got lucky, it was sideways or I would've had three prongs stuck in my back. I ended up bruised and embarrassed. Vegas called at 9:30pm. I can't tell how things are going for him and the bf. He isn't sure either so I don't feel so bad! Ha!

I had another rough night. The cat stayed in the room but not on the bed. I didn't dream of buses this time but art work and things I couldn't find. I need a holiday! Badly! I told Vegas that getting out of bed and weekends are the worst. I'm used to having other people around or taking after of them so I'll forget to feed myself or just put it off because it's not a social thing. Getting out of bed is now less about dread of facing the day and more about how stiff and sore I am when I wake up. I was a bit concerned to see Brother out of breath swinging the ax. He seemed to struggle more than I did and I don't really consider myself in good shape!

Brother revealed he's not in a great hurry to sell so if we can do it (meaning I can do it because the insurance has paid) we might wait and sell next year instead so we can do it right instead of "half-assed" which I might be amenable to. I'm not ready to move because I don't know where I'll be going, will be paying the mortgage until the house sells, etc., etc. If it has to go down this year because the insurance doesn't pay that's that will happen. Otherwise I'll have many more options at my command and that would be most welcome!

Well it's noon, the sun is out. I should get outside and attack the tree some more. I think I'll rig up some shade though.