Thrilling Thursday

So again I didn't sleep well.  I think the cat is hiring aliens to carry me off and drag me around the countryside because that would explain how exhausted and achy I feel when I wake up. Phone rang which dragged me from bed and into some clothes. It was a recording. It's it usually? The cell phone company was offering something or the other.

I watered the plants and mowed the lawn. Soon after, when I'd just put the sprinkler on, grandmaneighbor came over to borrow a rake for the backyard clean up. She's planning to have a BBQ tomorrow and asked if I had any ideas on cleaning a propane grill.  I knew I had some tools around from Father's grilling days and said I'd come over.  I found them and off I was, sprinkler left on.

Grandmaneighbor and I sat awhile. She's diabetic and she needed a rest and to drink her orange juice, feeling like she had low bloodsugar. She said it was around 60 which is not a good number!  It was a nice chat about her health (more than I needed to know, really) and so on.  A lady pastor at her church passed away unexpectedly, something she related when I mentioned Mother's passing had been unexpected.  

I noticed she had a small basket of medications on the table.  It sounds like she knows what she should be doing.  Her cookies are sugar free, she has a doctor, she walks a lot for her health... they tell her she shouldn't be yelling so much though. I told her it all keeps her young. 

Later I found out the grandkids she has have been in her care all their lives. Some she took right from the hospital, another at a month old.  They all belong to her son.  She didn't say what he's doing or why he's not involved.  Her remark was the mom(s) couldn't care for them.  Reading between the lines, he seems to have gotten one or more women pregnant and his mom stepped up so her grandkids didn't end up in foster care. Sad situation. 

Since she's single, I'm trying to imagine this older woman faced with one, two , three, four kids about a year apart in age from the time of infanthood!  She's crazy.  They're older now, in grade school and middle school so it isn't (or shouldn't be) such a problem.  It is no wonder she seems worn down.  As I told her before, she isn't the first grandparent to be raising grand kids and said our neighbor had after his daughter's divorce.  

Although I didn't get into it, my grandmother made sure we had clothes, toys, books, clean laundry, made beds and cooked dinner for the house of us nearly every night until the year she passed away. She was even the one to put me to bed or reading me to sleep.

Anyway, I was there longer than I expected. I did come back to get the propane meter I'd found in the garage while organizing Father's toolcart a bit the other day.  I just couldn't take all the activity as the kids came in from school and then her older grandsons and later he daughter and so forth.  I needed to escape back to my quiet kitty-guarded bunker and to see if I'd flooded the yard yet with my sprinkler!

Tonight around 5pm I napped, not feeling great after I had a small meal.  I got up around 8pm after an odd dream of a stakeout.  Now that I type it I see a relationship to the VMars episode this week.  Interesting.  Got email from Brother asking if I've worked up the numbers yet for him about the estate and what he'd need to borrow.  I realized tonight I have more work to do because when I did it before I delibrately didn't include money I was paying out since I wouldn't borrow money to pay what I'd already paid!  Thus I've made more work for myself.  A bit irritating, really.  Also, since I was at grandmaneighbor's I didn't get to make a couple calls related to the numbers game.  Lastly, I see I paid one balance off in the same amount that was due when Mother passed which seems improbable.  I want to see what payments I'd made and so forth.  The mortgage has come down just a bit even with making the monthly payments.  I have to tack on Mother's tax bill, the property taxes and insurance too. Lots of things. And all the improvements I've made.  It had to be done at some point, I just didn't realize I'd be doing it right now.  Grrr.  I emailed that I'd do it Friday.  I had only said I would do it this week, not what day.

When I think about moving from this house I feel sad and lonely.  While I won't be any fewer in company, there won't be any "ghosts" and memories to keep my self sane and comforted.  Makes me want to vomit, really.  I won't even know my neighbors.  I may not even know the area.  Very sad. :(  I like the status quo.  I'm not sure what "happened" to my getting  time to see if I wanted to buy before the sale and making a 'last pitch' to the SIL if I didn't (before it went on the market).  Now I'm worried I'm getting the short end.  Yes, I'll have cash but I have little desire for that.  And, yes, I'll have the furniture and things but I won't have the house which is what I'd asked Mother for and would've had if we'd finished estate planning. So I'm sad and concerned I'm doing myself a disservice.  I'm confused and feel completely directionless.  I don't know who to talk to. Brother not only has a conflict of interest but he seems totally disinterested in my delimnas.  Very disappointing.  Mother would say, "Why are you surprised?!"  She would also say, "Go! Live! Enjoy! Run from house! Buy new! Do adventures!"  I try to console myself with the notion that the SIL isn't "winning" here, I'm ensuring my nephews and niece have a real home and my Brother is not throwing away his income on rent while the SIL lies around demanding more children, more things, more house, more, more, more!  I fear this will not go well and they'll battle and the SIL will demand they sell and move and it'll all have been wasted.  Makes me want to, yes, vomit!

That is enough blog for this entry. It is Friday now. No idea if duckie will be online. Probably not. I should call or email Vegas. I do want to scream. I would do close to anything to get Mother's advice. :/

Like right after Mother passed, the house has seemed much too quiet at night when I try to sleep. *sigh*