OK, OK. He's actually doing some "Save the dolphins" thing.
Simon Cowell describes Blake as a "brilliant entertainer" and has no prediction for the win this week on Idol. Weeks ago I described Blake as an "entertainer" so I'm a bit hyped to see Simon use the same term.
Blake won the coin toss but let Jordin choose whether to open or close. She chose to close on the finale so Blake will be signing first. A gentlemanly thing to do, sure, but possibly bad strategy if you want to win.
Duckie is being grumpy. That is not allowed! Kitty thinks he put me on block. It makes me wonder whether my trip to Oz will be full of personal drama or a chance to unwind and enjoy myself. I'm hoping for the later.
I still want to pick up some ice cream for the Idol finale viewing. I was sick today. I'm OK now, just hungry.
Lots of items have flowed through my mind lately. Imaginings of the future, really. Dating, not dating, lines of work, lines of education, places or ways of living. The nature of life and death. I don't see how I can be blamed for being depressed around Mother's day. She's barely been in the ground a year. I'm not in denial, more still shocked. When it comes to mind, I feel as though I'm on my first gasp after some terrible thing. I know from experience it takes years to get used to a parent's death, even one expected. Mother's was not.
There's been a lot of death on the outskirts in the past week or so too. Friends on-line with severely ill parents or grandparents or relatives passing. I had bad news about an acquaintance's cancer. Live is ugly. And stressful.
I'm tired--no, I'm very tired some days. These past few years have been a wringer making me even less interested in putting myself out there for a wife or boyfriend or even just someone to hang out with. Social interaction, relaxation, takes work for me. Somehow I feel guilty if I'm not doing something useful or productive and that keeps me from being more free with my time and energy. If you need help with something I'm happy to oblige and feel useful doing so. I'd like to work that in somewhere rather than just take a menial make-work job. Such a job would not pre-occupy my mind enough. I would simply be depressed and feel 'dead-ended.' I can't help the depressed part. It is what it is. "Be yourself," they say. As if!
I have tentatively concluded it was a (financial) mistake to live here, close to the house. I had hoped I'd have more interaction with the very last of my family but it hasn't worked that way. It isn't that I haven't tried. My interest in the kid's baseball, projects at the house and just taking my nephew to see Spider-Man had been shot down. It is what it is. I need to mull this over further. I have some ideas how to improve this.
I'm not interested in hook ups. The idea of someone touching me, at least as the aggressor or dominant character, makes my skin crawl. I'm more in need of simple affection. I could hire a lap dancer or stripper but I imagine it and can't sense any fulfillment for me. I have never been to a strip joint, a club, or a bar for that matter. I'd not go alone. It's a bit like traveling. Why go alone unless you know someone there already?
I happened to be reminded of a statement from Steve Jobs years ago about the journey being the reward. I like journeys more than destinations. I sense a path to happiness in there somewhere. It's something for me to meditate upon further. My ex-girlfriend once accused me of writing to avoid having children as my legacy. It's a thought I hadn't mulled in a lifetime. Perhaps she was only half-crazy after all?
My point in all this is I'm not getting younger. The directions I take will basically layout whatever time left of this life I've got. I'm not saying it'll be rigid and immutable but it will set a tone going forward. Essentially I put my own life on hold over the past... well, ten, maybe fifteen years. That means I have lots of pent up notions, random interests, unsatisfied wild impulses. They need sorting.
Speaking of sorting, I've been ruminating about whether to travel out of state in the next month or so. It's isn't the travel but who to contact, if anyone, while I'm there. I'd call it travel on personal business. There's still more information to gather but I want to go before July. It would only be a couple of days.
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