Same Crud, Different Year?

Nice to see online communities still have tin horn dictators. Must be the nature of the species. Oh well.

I had planned to do some "serious" blogging but I had a headache and felt more than a little 'off' so I delayed. I'm doing a bit better now, with some food ingested. Let me hand out sick-bags just in case. Basically I was thinking over my youthful dreams and breeding and so forth.

When I was in high school, I was interested in adopting a "hard to place" older child. Sure, in grade school as adolescence was just getting underway I fantasized about procreating. Yes, seriously. Not simply a copulating act but with purpose of actual impregnation. Later as I great through puberty and so forth I never really had an impulse to marry. And interest in siring my own flesh and blood dissipated.

I'm about twice as old now, or rapidly shall be. It's only natural I suppose I'd revisit such topics. Now's a good time especially with the radical difference my day to day life will have this year. Other than myself, it'll all be different. (Heaven help me!)

OK, back to the parental thing. I heard a call on Dr. Laura from a 13 yr old asking how he can make his estranged father love him. Of course, he can't because the sperm donor is a distant, disinterested person. She advised the boy to focus on the love around him from mom, step-dad, etc. and feel bad for his bio-dad for what he's missing and may one day regret. Anyway, the call was gut wrenching. I felt very paternal and compassionate, while silently cursing guys like his bio-dad. Anyway, it rekindled old passions of a desire to mentor, do foster care, adopt or something.

In recent weeks I'd wrestled with the absence of biological grandkids. Of course, with my parents now gone, they couldn't meet their hypothetical biological grandkids. So much pressure would be off if Brother had married a healthy, fertile woman. In the ten-plus months since Mother passed I've been thinking over different things she said, trying to put together the puzzle pieces. I had decided to talk to her about these things but put it off as I figured I had all year long and could wait till she got over the pneumonia she'd been diagnosed with.

My conclusion is that despite what I'd said, Mother was convinced I'm gay. I might draw that out later how I conclude this but it's not important to this entry. So with that conclusion I've wondered if maybe it is correct. Well, as I considered my passed fanciful desires, it ultimately it doesn't matter since it really didn't involve anything in the way of a relationship regardless of gender. It really only had a cornerstone of single parenthood.

By now you know the SIL and Brother have adopted three kids. Two are final and have been for a few years. The infant, whom Mother met days before she passed on, hasn't been finalized. That was a key motivator to the change in housing arrangements. They needed four bedrooms and I, the cat and her fish need considerably fewer.

OK, I'm wandering all over a bit. I'm tired. The cat is waiting for me to come to bed, it's almost 7:30am. Focusing a bit... I'm less interested in "solving" any kind of sexuality question than I am in addressing the running theme of having no life partner in my past visions of a future. I might have an answer. I'm not ready to blog about it yet, however. And, no, it has little to do with commitment concerns. I'd commit to almost anything. I'm silly that way. I have seen, objectively, that I'd benefit from having someone to help me avoid certain pitfalls like being too nice, overly generous, or too free with spotting others some funds.

So, anyway, on levels that matter to me I feel that one person seems like a potential keeper. I'm intrigued. Sure it's a guy but really I haven't had meaningful contact with anything else in years. I could be in a partnership arrangement if it's with someone I trust, with whom I know I'll have a mutual relationship of looking out for one another. When it gets down to it, what else is there? If you have to be suspicious, forget it. I've been there. I thought I had something like that with my uni girlfriend but that wasn't true leading me to regret the ongoing nature of our intimate physical relationship and ultimately cease it and deciding to cut bait.

Last week I heard the end of an hour of Dr. Laura where a wife was calling to say she'd been wedded 17 years and when she wasn't sure the marriage would last early on, she aborted their first child. It was a child she didn't tell her husband they were expecting. She had lately decided to be "totally honest" with him and told her husband. She was upset at his horror and was calling for advice (Dr. Laura said never, ever speak of it again). Things like that scare the hell out of me. It's actually a scenario (a potential spouse aborting child secretly) I'd wondered about through the years. I'm nuts like that.

So, ok. I'll just leave this entry as is. I'm sure it'll stir something. I hope. Maybe? No guests invading today means plenty of rest. Sunday we hunt for new accommodations.